What sort of goon watches Torchwood? Is it the sort of fluffy fool who likes to gurgle "it's was transformed when Russell T. Davies got involved!" because it's the kind of thing a child wouldn't say, which makes Whovians feel better about watching what is effectively a slightly frightening kid show? I imagine fans of the Doctor Who franchise also like reading Harry Potter books and mewing about how they like a bit of 'escapism' now and again. Pah. You can 'escape' with a paper bag and some super glue as well...

Related: Day I review | Day II review | Day III review

There's been a lot of despondency about the recent return of Red Dwarf. Fellow writers feel all busted and beat by the lamo return of The Classic Show With A Cult Following. I feel for 'em. It must be like a reunion tour by a band you once loved, turning up with added saxophone solos and their shirts tucked into their jeans. You walk away wounded. Thankfully for me, in Red Dwarf terms, I never bought the hype in the first place as it's always been one of my most hated shows in existence. Firstly, it is Sci-Fi based, which is enough to make my puke... and secondly, it gave rise to people shouting "smeg" like that was joke enough in itself.

Related: Our Red Dwarf Section

Only in our modern televisual world could David Van Day exist. TV has always had wrong 'uns, but I'm not sure that they've been as messed up and downright tragic as Van Day. Once upon a time, Van Day was nothing more than that bloke who sang pop songs. That's all he was. A thing to occupy the trace of a melody. Now, he's forging a career out of car-wreckages, like those '50s snappers who made their money from dead teenagers in Cadillacs, as glorified by Andy Warhol. Now, David Van Day has outdone himself by dumping his girlfriend, live and on-air, on a show barely a soul watches.

Related: The Most Exhaustive TV Interview Ever? GMTV Meet David Van Day

Let's leave the debate whether chilli chocolate, onion bhaji and creole squirrel are good ideas for crisp flavours to one side for a second. I saw an advert last night for this new batch of crazy Walkers Crisps and, once I queried the whole radical crisp flavour thing, I found myself asking: "Why is Gary Lineker still advertising crisps?"

I'm not one for bitchin' about musicians doing Coke adverts. Okay, I am... but there's been some great bands in the past to pimp Coca-Cola (there's a nifty little article on that very subject here). However, doing a Coke ad' and doing a Diet Coke commercial are very different prospects. You see, Diet Coke adverts are aimed squarely at women, because, presumably, Coke think women need to lose a bit of that chub. The best way to do that is to stare at some rugged bloke doing manual work like he's a piece of sausage meat. With Duffy, sisters seem to want to do it for themselves...

Related: More Commercial Break ramblings here

Apart from Coming of Age, I can't think of a show that irritates me so much that I actually want to take an axe to my own body. Actually, that's a lie. There's load of programmes that make me think I'd be better off dead. Just Shoot Me is just the latest I've seen. You see, before I start work, I sometimes watch a bit of telly, just to get me in the mood, much like a boxer getting a rub-down before a big fight or the way a super wealthy business man psychs himself up before a huge meeting with furious masturbation and yelling insults at deaf people. Just Shoot Me gets me in the mood for a fight.

Okay. Last week I reviewed a show so bad that I'm still angry about it. I saw a trailer for the new episode last night and I got a rash with stress. Huge boils pop out on my neck when I think of the no-dimensional script. So with that, I'm seriously advising that you don't watch Coming of Age (BBC Three, Tonight, 7 October, 10.30pm). Now, some have suggested that I've got this wrong, and some have even assumed my age to conclude that I'm 'just too old to get it, maaan'. So with that, I'm going to avoid passing further judgement and leave it up to TV Scoop's readers. Click over for the highlights of their views.

As we all know, MTV is no longer a music channel. You can get your fix of pop, rock and pretty much anything else further down the music EPG, and now MTV is now the home of reality shows and, erm, lots more reality shows. You'd think that MTV in its relatively new status as an entertainment channel would have the basics covered. Simple things like scheduling a series at the same time each week so that viewers can tune in time after time. You'd think that wouldn't you? Of course you would. What we think and what actually happens seems to be miles apart.

Initially I was going to review What To Eat Now (BBC Two, Monday, 22 September, 8.30pm) but Mr Ed. beat me to it. "No worries", I thought, "my review was going to be a bile fuelled hate-piece on that odious turd at the helm of the show". As my editor enjoyed this godforsaken show, it thankfully gives me free reign to vent all kinds of spleen in the direction of The Worst Food Show Of The Year By Some Distance.

To read Paul's rather more glowing review, go here.

Loads of people have been tuning in for The Ryder Cup lately, with 1.2million watching it on Sky Sports. I was originally going to write 'feverishly tuning in', but I can't imagine for one second that anything surrounding golf is remotely fevered. To me, it seems like a game you should play as opposed to watch. As a spectator sport, golf has to be one of the worst (with marathon coverage pipping it to the post). For me, I'm with that old saying that "Golf is a long walk - ruined". So why do so many people insist on watching it?

I love Prison Break. It really is a load of old rubbishy music video-ish over-styled fast-paced nonsense. But there's no getting around the fact that it has some great set-pieces and some exciting ideas. The show is a victim of its own success - or, as a friend of mine put it recently 'a victim of its own title'. To some extent you've just got to admire the way they've kept the thing up past one series with a name like that. Now we're onto the fourth series and the cat and mouse continues, in a slightly less enthralling way than series one's wonderful Shawshank Redemption style break-out, but it's still fun. I don't even mind that Phoebe's policeman boyfriend from Friends is in it playing the same character, leading us to wonder whether they're going for a subtle Friends/Prison Break crossover. I still like it. With one exception...

There are literally hundreds of music festivals being held in the UK nowadays, and some of them - traditionally Glastonbury, T In The Park, Reading and Leeds and V - are given hours of live coverage on television, along with extensive highlights packages. Even some of the growing 'boutique' festivals, such as Latitude and The Big Chill are getting coverage too. And yet, apparently, our esteemed schedulers can only find three hours to broadcast programmes about the world's largest arts festival in Edinburgh. Surely I can't be the only one who thinks this is a travesty?

It sounds like the result of a trashy headline generator, but it would appear to be true. Less than a week since Kerry was made bankrupt at the High Court, comes the news that she's going on telly to get her norks downsized...

As news breaks of Jonas Armstrong's departure from Robin Hood, the breathless hype of the BBC's press release regarding the third series of this Dodo ("an explosive, nail-biting series finale" and "Robin's exit will be unmissable") reminds me that we were sold a similar pup with their supposedly groundbreaking archaeological mystery programme Bonekickers. The parallels between the two programmes are frightening, and as the archaeologists continue to dig themselves ever deeper into the mire (they lost another 300,000 viewers last week) rumours persist that the BBC will give it another chance. So, not surprisingly, the question uppermost in my mind is: why?

I hate almost everything about the Dave channel. I have nothing against the Top Gear repeats, or the BBC panel shows that they broadcast; in fact I like them. I think Dave puts out more shows I enjoy than any other channel, except for Dave+1 which has at least as many good programmes.

Other than the programmes themselves though, almost everything about Dave is just wrong.

TV on the internet is a great thing. 4OD and BBC iPlayer are brilliant, and it's very handy when people upload American shows onto a video sharing site before it's shown in the UK (not that I would touch such legally dubious resources, *cough*). My problem is not with TV on the internet.

No, my problem is with the internet on television; shows such as Lennyhenry.tv, Alex Zane's Rude Tube, and the "Funny 5" section on Richard & Judy. I think Lily Allen and Friends may also have included web clips in it, but I never bothered watching Lily Allen and Friends, I'm not that desperate.

The shows are essentially the same -- a comedian presents a variety of popular clips from YouTube and provides a commentary on them. It's sort of like You've Been Framed, except -- get this -- even worse.

I hate people who complain to TV stations about what is featured. There's no point in it. Ever. By all means, whine about the quality (or lack of) of stuff, but seriously, stop the 'moral' outrage. Where has this come from? Well, it's all about 'pussy'...

We have a lot to thank Sky for: The Simpsons; four dedicated sports channels; Sky+; late night shows about ghosts and the like. However, there is other stuff that we are not so thankful for; the return of Gladiators, for example, and, most horrible of all, that background music on the TV guide.