So, Celebrity Masterchef (BBC One, Thursday, 22 July, 8pm) is back on our screens to tell us that COOKING DOESN'T GET LOUDER OR MORE MELODRAMATIC THAN THIS! And it really doesn't.

Celebrity Come Dine With Me (Channel 4, Thursday, 15 July, 8pm) is the epitome of just how much the show has changed since the almost quaint early shows. It went from being normal people moaning about fish to something of a freak show. Last night was one of the freakiest.

Oooh! Look! BUSTERS! If you're even thinking of complaining about the sight of some mammaries, then I suggest going down the newsagents and scribbling out Nuts and The Sun's boobies with a black marker first. And the whole of the internet (those child-lock things? Your kids know how to get by 'em - sorry).

With almost no fanfare at all, one of the funniest shows on TV is tittering quietly away to itself. Slick, classy and above all, intelligent... Rev (BBC Two, Monday, 12 July, 10pm) is a comedy waiting to catch you off-guard.

Anna Richardson terrifies me. She's made decisions on her face which has left her looking like something from the planet Quirky. Her face is perfectly symmetrical and her teeth oddly uniform. On top of all that, she's prone to annoying the shit outta me.

Jesus on stilts! Just when you thought the Come Dine With Me (Channel 4, Thursday, 10 June, 9pm) franchise was feeling tired, they come along and pull a Footballers Special out of the bag and had me falling about laughing.

Britain's Got Talent (ITV1, Tuesday, 1 June, 7.30pm) trundles on like That's Life on growth hormone injections, with Esther Rantzen replaced with the Mount Rushmore of grinning idiocy - Cowell, Holden and Morgan. We all know the format and, sadly, we now know that the punchline isn't anything like satisfactory.

Wanna see Britain at its most ugly? Then why not focus entirely on small pockets of people with idiotic views on the world? Yessir, that's what Young, British and Angry (BBC Three, Wednesday, 19 May, 9pm) did last night and boy oh boy, there was some dry-heaving to be had.

Channel 4 love a Bodyshock show. It gives them the chance to be sensitive and kind to someone with an unusual illness whilst secretly erecting a sign behind your back that says 'freak show' while you cry. And last night, they did it again with Our Daughter, The Mermaid (Channel 4, Tuesday, 18 May, 10pm).

It took 18 seconds for Junior Apprentice (BBC One, Wednesday, 12 May, 9pm) to make me curse. That must be a record. Some greasy faced little gitbox appeared and grimaced about how ruthless he was like it was an enviable trait. I bet he's delivered a P45 to his own weary mother for not being efficient enough around the house. Horrible, horrible little arse-grape. Of course, this being Apprentice related, the whole show centres around horrible humans who wake up early in a morning just to cram enough twattishness in.

I'm a complete sucker for maverick cop shows. Pop-psychology and people getting punched in the face is the perfect balance between dumb and dumber for a dimwit like me. Effectively, if someone strings a sentence together that sounds clever enough and drops a few swears in it, I'm pretty happy. So watching last night's debut bow of Luther (BBC One, Tuesday, 4 May, 9pm) very much flicked a whole bunch of good switches.

Why on Earth would anyone watch more than one episode of Supersize vs Superskinny (Channel 4, Tuesday, 13 April, 8pm). Okay, you might watch a handful by accident, in the hope that it'll change in some way, but really, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all, right?

Bruce Forsyth must have a massive head at the minute. Okay, a bigger skull than usual. Why? Because, in an attempt to pat his decrepit back before he finally dies, everyone on TV is falling over each other to celebrate him and tell everyone just how brilliant he is. In the past 12 months, I've seen a bashful Brucie graciously accepting praise from peers more than I've seen useful news reports.

Last night I watched Starsuckers (More4) and was pleasantly blown-away. I was all set to give it a glowing review on these pages before I stopped and thought: "Hang on! Instead of reviewing it, I should do something else... something nicer!"

Heston Blumenthal. You know him right? Barking mad food wizard with a head like a giant marble? That's the one. Well, last night he returned to our screens as the veritable mischief maker in the oven with Heston's Chocolate Factory Feast (Channel 4, Tuesday, 6 April, 9pm) channelling the spirit of Willy Wonka.

Whilst everyone was gearing up for some proper telly over the Easter Weekend, watching the new Doctor Who and programmes about Jeezis, I did the usual thing and found myself in the wriggling, festering margins. Notably, I went straight to Viva and watched My Super Sweet 16 UK.

When the Beeb started showing the trailers for Invisible Worlds (BBC One, Tuesday, 30 March, 9pm), I was quite excited. Yes, and that was with the knowledge that the irritating Richard Hammond was presenting it. Basically, I assumed it would be a throwaway piece of TV that made my eyes drop out of the sockets in astonishment at loads of cool images and little else. Sadly, that's not the case.

Indulgent. Indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent indulgent. The Delicious Miss Dahl (BBC Two, Tuesday, 23 March, 8.30pm)