The Crystal Maze, the gameshow that was simultaneously sarcastic toward itself in Richard O'Brien and visually, like walking into Noel Fielding's house, could be set to return to our screens. However, '90s fans, hold fire. Don't open the cans of Tab Clear just yet because there's a massive catch. That catch is Amanda Holden.

Okay. Before we go any further, listen up. For those of you who start slitting their wrists at spoilers, walk away now. Seriously. Go away. I won't be responsible for your wailing complaints about spoiling your enjoyment of TV. Okay? Now those losers have gone, us adults can talk about Shameless.

Survivors returns to BBC One for a second series in January 2010 picking up where it left off... and in the words of a previous review on this very blog, that'd be 'uninspiring' and 'dull'. The BBC however would prefer it if we said "thrilling" and 'cliff-hanging'.

ITV is rubbish isn't it? Yeah! Booo! Hiss! It's the worst ever! Unless you count Five, but that's barely a TV station. That's more like an LCD game of a dog sniffing a bumhole. But yeah! ITV IS RUBBISH! Right? Wrong. You see, in the two thousand and ninth year of our calendar, ITV has kicked the arse of everyone else.

What kind of cretin watches The Jeremy Kyle Show? Seriously. When that judge branded it as 'human bear baiting', he didn't go in hard enough. It's worse than that. It's the Noughties equivalent of crucifixion. People slowly being bled on screen with Jeremius Kylicus whipping sores ever more open and puking maggoty insults into them. All the while, the British Public watch on and clap along.

Channel 4 has commissioned a second series of Charlie Brooker's comedy quiz You Have Been Watching. This is good news for Brooker who is fresh from winning Best Male Newcomer at the British Comedy Awards (not to mention the 'honour' of being placed above Delia Smith on a leaked BBC memo of talent).

Over at the Guardian, they've got their hands on a leaked memo and on it is the most mystifying list. A leaked document features a list of people who work for Auntie and with their names, is a mark of how well-thought of the broadcaster thinks they're perceived. Naturally, this is all a bit misleading as this seemingly is the view of one person, rather than the BBC as a whole, but it still makes for interesting (if puzzling) reading.

Top of the Pops, a show that is meant to have died ages ago but keeps coming back to haunt us like The Ghost of Christmas Past, has announced who is going to be starring in the Christmas and New Year special shows.

I'm pretty convinced that Holly Willoughby is the new Princess Diana. By that, I mean that women like her and Daily Mail reading blokes think about her when they're alone on a toilet cubicle. She's wholesome, good-looking and you can probably imagine her being a bit dirty. That, of course, means she's perfect for television. As such, Phillip Schofield has come out and said that Holly Willoughby has had a fantastic reaction since she joined the This Morning team.

Yesterday, I was reading about this ballet thing that the BBC were going to show over Christmas. I'd link you to it but it was one of those irritating Paid Content Only things that we trade-types get for free. Anyway, the Beeb have decided to nix it because... well... let's just say it was a little bit more controversial than The Jerry Springer Opera.

Get those thumbs aloft because Paul McCartney, the only man to have ever bonded with Gary Barlow over sweetcorn, has confirmed reports that he is in talks to appear on this year's X Factor.

Sorry. You've just caught me wiping up my own drool. That's because there's brilliant news! Former Doctor Who (and generally the best actor on the planet) Christopher Eccleston is to play John Lennon in a new BBC Four drama. How great is that? The show will be called 'Lennon Naked', and is a one-off 90-minuter which looks at Lennon's life from 1967 to 1971.

The BBC is looking at cutting some of its digital TV and radio services after the analogue TV signal is switched off in 2012. Weird? You betcha, but that's what BBC director general, Mark Thompson, is saying. Thompson said there would be "reductions in some kinds of programmes and content" including a look at the "current scope of our website".

TV host Paul O'Grady is mourning the passing of his faithful sidekick, Buster. The dog, who was 14-and-a-half years old, could regularly be seen on Paul O'Grady's Channel 4 show, perching faithfully on the desk throughout the programme. Buster had been ill with cancer for a while and was put to sleep yesterday.

The BBC has announced the return of celebrity packed dance extravaganza Let's Dance For Sport Relief. Hosted by Claudia Winkleman and Steve Jones, the dance-off show will return to BBC One, with a whole host of stars eager to step in to their sparkly pumps in aid of Sport Relief. Or, at least, making us laugh as much as Robert Webb did when he did his Flashdance routine.

Psychoville, from the makers of The League of Gentleman, will be returning to our TV screens next year! What a great piece of news! We'll have to wait until winter, but whatever, if it's as good as the first series, then it'll be worth waiting for. The first series really was one of the best things shown on TV in a very long time.

Related: Our Psychoville section

From December 1st Sky Movies will launch 'Sky Movies Christmas Channel' with all the great movie content also available in eye-watering high definition on the Sky Movies Christmas Channel HD. You'll get the chance to vote on which movies you'd like to see on Christmas and Boxing Day.Sky Movies will offer a selection of lucky customers, who have voted, the chance to dedicate a special Christmas Day message before each film is broadcast. Isn't that sweet?

Charlie Brooker is looking like a proper TV person these days isn't he? Despite the fact he continually says things to the contrary, he might just become famous on us. Of course, this will see legions of his fans thinking he's sold-out or something ridiculous like that... but until then, they can be appeased with the fact that Screenwipe is returning to our screens on BBC Four at Christmas.

Related: Read our interview with Charlie Brooker here, or another one here.