Remember me ranting about Jason Gardiner, 'judge' from Dancing On Ice? Well, despite pretty much everyone being either angry or weary of the bitchy old dame routine, it seems that nothing will come of Gardiner's really rather grim comments about Sharron Davies which saw her referred to as "faecal matter" on national television.

I'm a Celebrity... may have seen two mildly famous people killing a wild rat and then eating it, leaving ITV to shuffle nervously and stare at their feet whilst they said sorry... but what about Italian chef Giuseppe "Beppe" Bigazzi? Well, he's a TV chef over there and he's caused an almighty ruckus and it all involves cats.

I don't get Tim Lovejoy. I don't get him in the same way I don't get Fearne Cotton. Of course, that usually transpires into ranting and bile at the TV every single time they appear on the box... but someone in TV clearly likes them because they keep getting work. And Lovejoy's latest gig is a puzzler - Blue Peter!

Noel Edmonds is developing a quizshow with the working title of Beat the Monkey. Nothing odd about that. How about this? The master of ceremonies on the show is a real, live, throwing handfuls of shit, monkey. No, you haven't woken up in a dream. Yes, it seems Alan Partridge's 'Monkey Tennis' idea is moving ever closer toward reality.

Praise be! Television has finally answered one of my prayers! Friends has been dumped by Channel 4! That's right! After a million years on our screens, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel and Monica will no longer clutter up our screens! What an absolute joy this will be.

Open your window and you'll hear the sound of people tearing up their TV licences in disgust. Yep, news has broken that the BBC has spent £54m on presenters earning £150,000 or more in the 12 months to the end of March 2009. This equates to 1.55% of the total BBC licence fee and of course, we'll need names to put in that pay-band (who I'll now dub the one-percenters, mainly because it's catchy as opposed to being accurate).

Sky News is the British equivalent of America's Fox News. It's reactionary and wild-eyed, amping up each piece of dreadful, terrifying news to the point where us mortals end up cowering under our beds waiting for our inevitable murder. That said, now and again, it focuses on a human interest story and this week, it was Watch Peter Andre Cry And Have A Mini-Nervous Breakdown. How lovely.

The BBC's teen channelette BBC Switch has announced that it is has commissioned a second series of its multi-platform teen drama, The Cut. The better news for you Kidz is that the show will be holding open auditions in four UK cities to find two brand new characters to join the young cast.

Apparently, Come Dine With Me is not a real cookery show. I know, I know... I feel betrayed to the point of tablets too. The Channel 4 show has mislead viewers all this time, admitting that celebrity contestants are being lent properties to cook in. I can't believe it. I'm crying as a type. Why would someone want to hurt us all in this way when all we've done is give love?

Hit maker and steam enthusiast Pete Waterman will produce this year's UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest. The Hitman has been responsible for producing and writing more than 200 hits in over 25 years and worked with the likes of Kylie Minogue, Donna Summer, Bananarama and... you get the idea. The song will be performed at Eurovision 2010, which takes place in Oslo in May.

Alesha Dixon has once again hinted that she is going to quit BBC's Strictly Come Dancing. I don't know. After all that fuss surrounding ageism, you would have thought she would have stuck it out for a while wouldn't you? Arlene would have stayed in that job for life... mostly because nowhere else really lets her do those staggeringly bad puns/streams of consciousness.

Rasping knucklehead, Liam Gallagher has stated that he would be interested in taking part in relentless splooshfest Total Wipeout... he'd even chew a rotting colon or two in I'm A Celebrity. Unless, of course, he hasn't thought about the words tumbling out of his mouth properly.

Now that the Voting Public have finally learned to do the right thing concerning Celebrity Big Brother, and that's to vote out nasty shits as quickly as you can, the show, once again, looks revived (but too late). Last night's CBB7 episode was genuinely very, very funny and a reminder of how good the format can be. Now, we're set for more jollity as rumours abound that Davina is going into the fray.

Rick Stein's a nice chap isn't he? He's always grinning and cooking fish. He lives in permanent sunshine and would make an excellent jolly uncle. His travelogues have been lessons in sweetery and one of them is being released on DVD.

You've heard the theory about monkeys and typewriters haven't you? Well, the BBC are doing their own version of it, except they've replaced word processors with cameras. Oh, and there are a reasonable amount of chimps as opposed to an infinite amount of monkeys. The human camerafolk are getting twitchy as the BBC will be looking to cut costs soon.

Great news! The Guardian has reported that BBC Two is developing a 21st century version of Our Friends in the North. Now, that's not strictly a new Our Friends In The North... but... well... read on.

Bad news TV Scoopers. One of our favourites, Michael C. Hall, has got cancer. When an actor or TV personality gets ill, as TV critics, we're forced into being nice to make up for all the nasty things we've said to them (and besides, it isn't really a time for joking is it?) That said, this news is particularly sad because he's so damn good (Dexter, Six Feet Under anyone?).

It might not be ITV1's biggest show, but Harry Hill's TV Burp is the best programme on the roster. While The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent grab all the headlines, TV Burp is a refreshing dose of real quality from a broadcaster that has been irrelevant for too many years. However, Hill and ITV may well be parting ways in a deal that could bag Harry a handsome £3million.