TV Review: Strictly Come Dancing Results Show, Sunday 26 October, 7.15pm

Oh the waffle. Oh the endless, pointless, waffle. I think the show had been on for about twenty minutes before there was anything new. And that was Christina dancing the mambo with Brian. It must be nice for Christina to dance with someone who can actually move!

And then (following, inevitably, more waffle) Enrique Iglesias was on. Again. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him anywhere but Strictly. And he was singing Hero. Again. Get some new material, Enrique, love.

I forgot to make a bottom two prediction, didn’t I? Curses. I know I said Mark Foster *should* go, but I’m not sure whether I thought he *would* go. In fact, I don’t think I could have predicted it this week. I think this week, it could really have gone any way at all.

But Mark and Andrew were in the bottom two, which I think was right. Yeah, I know some people are thinking John’s time is up, but at least John is entertaining – Andrew is “dee you double ell” (of course, his partner may well be garnering him a bunch of votes!).

Honestly, I didn’t have much interesting in watching either of their performances again: Andrew’s because, you know, boring; and Mark’s because it was painful. But I did. For you. You’re welcome.

Andrew’s was actually much better than the first time, presumably because, as often happens, he was relaxed at the idea that he might be going home. There still wasn’t much connection with Ola – I certainly wouldn’t call it romantic – but it was quite pleasant.

Mark’s I think was also slightly better, but it’s so hard to tell because his dancing is just so … odd.

Anyway, the judges unanimously saved Andrew Castle, and Hayley, Mark’s partner, was in tears. And presumably not just because Bruce called her “Christina” (and then made me laugh by apologising and saying, “I wish I was dead.”).

Oh and I must mention that Mark pulled his top right off during their final dance. For someone who’s supposed to be so shy, he’s not backward about getting his bits out, is he?

Strictly Come Dancing, BBC One, Saturday 1 November, 6.05pm

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TV Review: America’s Next Top Model, Living, Monday 10 March, 9pm

The show began with a recap of last week’s Ebony-gate. Plus Chantal’s confidence doesn’t appear to have been knocked by the judges telling her she’s not good enough practically every week: “I know that where others are lacking, I’ve got it all,” she said. Do you think she’s going to win? No, me neither.

The girls were sent to a dance studio where they had to put on bodystockings, which are not flattering, even on models. Then Tyra turned up and did one of her wacky intros (this time she pretended to be Debbie Allen in Fame) to introduce the fact that she was there to teach them how to be sexy for a TV/movie camera. “I’ve been in music videos,” said Tyra. “I was in George Michael’s Too Funky.” Yeah, about 20 years ago! “And a Lionel Ritchie video.” Lionel Ritchie? Woo! Not quite up to Tyra’s usual standard. Even the Tyra-dazzled girls didn’t seem that impressed.

Next they were off to meet a music video producer who announced that they would be appearing in a video for a major international artist. Who ever could it be? It was Enrique Iglesias. They were nowhere near as excited as they were by Tyson Beckford. The producer picked Lisa to be featured. Bianca? Not happy. And then the guy said they’d picked a second girl to feature. Heather. Bianca? Really not happy. She doesn’t get Heather at all. Heather is kind of weird looking, but she stands out. There’s definitely something about her.

The video looked rubbish. A load of models in an underground garage/club coming on to a bewildered-looking Enrique. (Have you noticed he almost always looks bewildered? He looks like he can’t quite understand how he’s doing what he’s doing.)

And then the final scene – and if you were paying attention last week, you’ll remember that something exciting’s about to happen. Heather hadn’t eaten all day. The girls were wearing 5 inch heels and jumping up and down. And it was really hot. Yeah, Heather fainted. There was then this really creepy shot of her sitting astride this chair – bear in mind that she was wearing kind of leather straps for the video – and she was kind of gasping for breath. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

“She did not look well,” said Chantal. “She looked dead.” Dead? That really isn’t well.

But she wasn’t dead (obviously), she was fine. The medic reminded her that it’s a good idea to *eat* (these models, eh?) and that was that.

Chantal was at it again. “I can dance. I can act. I’m not nervous because this is what I was born to do. I was given the body and the face to do this.”

Given by whom? Does she really think God doles out the looks to enable people to *model*. Sounds like a waste of God’s time and energies to me.

And so to judging. Since there was no photo shoot this week, they were judged on their performances in the video.

Sarah and Chantal were in the bottom two. Sarah is too big to be a “normal” model and too small to be plus size. Chantal’s performance in the video was “a waste of film”. (“I’m gutted” – God) But Chantal was through! (See! He does move in mysterious ways!)

Sarah was devastated, but still hopeful: “Next time maybe someone who looks like me will win.” Don’t hold your breath. (And, yes, the picture on the right is of a “plus size” model. Sigh.)

Coming up: Heather loses her temper. The girls are abandoned in a desert (it looked like the final scene in Seven so I’m guessing someone’s going to deliver Tyra’s head in a box…).

America’s Next Top Model Weeks 1 & 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 | Week 6