Celebrities will do anything for a good cause won't they? Well, apart from promising to never appear on our screens again. Anyway, after loads of them climbed up a massive mountain, a different bunch are all going on a nice bike ride. Well, Million Pound Bike Ride: A Sport Relief Challenge (BBC One, Thursday, 18 March, 9pm) isn't actually a pleasant jaunt around the park on a bicycle, but rather, something much more hellish.

What is The Man Who Ate Everything (BBC Four, Wednesday, 17 March, 9pm) about exactly? Well, judging from what television has been like over the past few years you could easily imagine that's it's some peering titter at some inordinately fat man who has been winning eating competitions while bed-bound for so long that his legs are like blocks of Trex. This show isn't anything of the sort.

The working week is nearly over. That means you can walk around in your underpants eating bread from the bag and loudly slagging your boss off whilst cocking one leg up to fart at the telly. Unless, of course, you live with your boss. If that's the case, unlucky. No sickies for you I imagine. Anyway, what's on telly this weekend?

Despite starring Richard Hammond, Richard Hammond's Invisible Worlds (BBC One, Tuesday, 16 March, 9pm) looks rather good. Of course, this won't be an exercise in Hammond watching invisible things and cooing about how good they feel... and it won't feature people repeatedly falling in the water. No, this is about cameras being really effing cool.

Private schools - Idiot factories aren't they? I say this, partly, because I'm jealous of the swine that attended them. I bet they had really cool teachers and learned all manner of interesting stuff whilst I was idly sticking maggots down the gas-taps in the science labs (don't ask). As I'm from a family that would be described as 'poor' (not that I was destitute... but TV spods would probably think so), I would've been an ideal candidate for Education Lottery show, Too Poor for Posh School
(Channel 4, Thursday, 11 March, 9pm).

What ever happened to the heroes? That's what The Stranglers asked. Well, the BBC would prefer to find out what ever happened to all the brass bands? Since the mines closed, the colliery band has been a dying thing... until now, thanks to A Band for Britain (BBC Two, Monday, 8 March, 9pm)

Heavy Metal is, without question, the most maligned genre in history. For every vocal fan there's a thousand sneering naysayers. So, for once, the lovers of the genre can have the chance to revel in Heavy Metal Britannia (BBC Four, Friday, 5 March, 9pm).

When I saw My Daughter Grew Another Head and Other True Life Stories (Channel 4, Thursday, 4 March, 9pm) I cursed myself for not pitching it myself to a TV station. In fairness, I've never pitched a thing to a TV station, but this show is clearly a good idea.

The weekend is here. Are you pleased about that? To be honest, if I were you, I'd start making plans to get out of the house because looking at the listings, there's not a great deal on. Friday is looking good, but if you don't like sports, you should start booking reservations or eyeing up the pub.

The Secret Millionaire (Channel 4, Monday, 1 March, 9pm) returns to our screens and such is the nature of the show, you invariably know exactly what is going to happen to the point that it's almost pointless me carrying on. However, the people above me in this media company are prone to beating me with a rubber hose if I don't give you, dear reader, a certain amount of words per article.

What kind of idiot invites Michael Winner round their house? Even Michael Winner doesn't invite himself round his house for summat to eat. He's clearly so low on friends that he's needing to participate in Michael Winner's Dining Stars (ITV1, Friday, 26 February, 9pm) One thing is guaranteed - he won't keep any of these new prole friends for very long as he's guaranteed to be an obnoxious tit the first chance he gets, willing to pass it all off as high-jinkery with a translucent wink of his ageing eye-lid.

This week, we'll get to see a show called Scams, Claims and Compensation Games (Channel 4, Thursday, 25 February, 9pm). It will, without question, make you so angry that you'll kick the cat to death. Producer/director Ashok Prasad's made a film (which has been talked about highly in TV circles) which opens up the stinking can of aargh on the world personal injury claims.

Ball. Ball. Kick. Head. Score. Dive. Ball. Cheer. Moan. Tackle. Ball. Post. Head. Moan. Ball. Yep, that's football taken care of right there. Why? Well, this week sees UEFA Champions League (ITV1, Wednesday, 24 February,
7.30pm) on TV in a game being contested by Inter Milan and Chelsea.

Every so often, ITV flings us a cheesy, but pleasing one-off romantic comedy drama thing. Basically, they remember how much everyone loved Cold Feet and make a new thing that's a bit like it. Now we've got Married Single Other (ITV1, Monday, 22 February, 9pm) which will be filled with pathos and saccharine sweetery and more.

Aaah. The travelling community. They're a real bone of contention aren't they? People don't like it when they leave a big mess and... well... don't really have any other opinions do they? Well, we're about to peek at the world of the nuptials of the travellers in the sensitively titled My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (Channel 4, Thursday, 18 February, 9pm).

About bloody time. This week sees the return of MasterChef (BBC One, Thursday, 18 February, 8.30pm). No Already Famous People, no professionals... good, honest, amateur cooks going head-to-head in a food-off. Once more, John Torode and Gregg Wallace return to the fray enabling us all to play MasterChef bingo!

The TV listings on Wednesday are a bit of a brown trout... as in... there's bugger-all on. Well, that's the case if you don't like football as the main highlight midweek is UEFA Champions League: FC Porto v Arsenal (ITV1, Wednesday, 17 February, 7.30pm) which will see Arsene Wenger's boys taking on Portugal's Dragões.

Weekend! Weekend! Weekend! YAY! That's right! Work is nearly over and we can pad around in our undercrackers watching television and eating take-aways until we pop our belly buttons inside out! HURRAH! So, what's worth watching this weekend? Let's have a spy...