Sometimes, as a TV critic, you doubt your own abilities. Or at least, you should. It's probably the same in any walk of life. There's always someone else who seems better than you at something you do. However, there is hope. It comes in the shape of The TV Expert, usually found on the judging panel of a talent show.
This summer will see Big Brother bow out on Channel 4. It'll be the last time the show features on the channel... but how should it bow out? Well, instead of pulling out the stops to fill the house full of not-rights and attention seekers, it should fill the house will Greatest Hits...
The death rattle of Big Brother got underway last night with the latest and last instalment of Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 4, Sunday, 3rd January, 9pm). Channel 4's flagship barrel scraping kicked off with a team of people that barely count as celebrities... but that's the same as it ever was, right?
Reports are suggesting that Danyl Johnson is ready to quit The X Factor after a massive hissy fit at Simon Cowell. This spat is over the fact that Cowell won't change his song choice. Zoinks! According to The Mirror, Johnson stormed out out of a rehearsal because he does not want to sing George Michael's 'Praying for Time'. No. I can't say I've heard of it either.
Oh no! What the hell are Heat magazine going to talk about all summer? What are poor old Nuts going to do when looking for TV stars willing to go nipple-to-nipple in their pages? If you haven't heard, Big Brother has been given the chop by Channel 4. It's not altogether a surprise really. I mean, at the last count, only three people were watching. Bearing in mind that the show has a dozen camera operators, that's pretty bleak news. The show has long been in decline and viewing figures have steadily fallen since All That Race Business With Jade Goody and Shilpa Shetty. Along with Jade's death, something about the show died with her, with people coming to their own conclusions that, should you go through the mill of the show, chances are, you'll be forced to sell off your corpse to maintain your talentless fortune. Depressing, savage and somewhat true.
Related: Our Big Brother section | Who do you want to win BB10?
The nation's favourite dance extravaganza returns as Strictly Come Dancing is back for its seventh series on BBC One. Once again hosts Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly will be guiding viewers through the glamour and the glitz, the tears and the twirls, as an exciting mix of 16 celebrity contestants battle it out to be crowned Strictly Come Dancing Champion 2009. And this year the UK's biggest and brightest dancing show is set to be better than ever with two new faces to the judging panel and three new professional dancers.
Related: Our SCD section
To be perfectly honest, I can't ever see Big Brother 10 ending. It feels like it has been on the box for a thousand years and potential winners will come away from the house screaming like a punched howler monkey, attacking the sign wielding hordes and hurling handfuls of faeces at Davina. Or maybe they'll just end up working for This Morning. Anyway, on Friday the 4th of September 2009, BB10 will finally leave our screens... begging the question: 'Who Do You Want To Win?'
Related: Our Big Brother section
If you live in London, you've invariably talked about nothing but the weather. I gather you've had a little rain? Rain makes you miserable doesn't it? Well, it's Friday and that should cheer you up slightly. If you want even more cheer, then I suggest clicking over the jump to see a bunch of naked men dancing on Sweden's Got Talent. Obviously, that's mainly aimed at women and gay men... but even straight blokes should find this fun. Let's put it this way, it pisses all over that rubbish Stavros Flatley nonsense from Britain's Got Talent.
Related: Britain's Got Talent
Many see Big Brother as the death of all that's good and proper about television. It's hard to take that sentiment seriously when the same people usually say things like "well, I never watch television anyway...". Big Brother isn't the death of anything. It just... is. It's popular fluff that people like watching. That said, it doesn't stop Big Brother 10 from being a sure fire way of knowing what it's like to have narcolepsy. This year has been so boring that the show has finally given credence to those that have said "what's the point in watching a bunch of people sat around doing nothing."
News just in: "There is another BB next year. I am presenting it." And so spake Davina McCall on her Twitter account, casually tossed in amongst some chat about a sports day she attended with her kids. Now, I'm not sure if she's supposed to be telling everyone or not... these things are usually kept pretty secret until the last minute... but there it is. Hell, by the time you read this, she may well have deleted it. We can be pretty certain that 2010 will see Big Brother 11 hitting our screens. I for one am quite surprised at this as BB10 has completely failed to set the world alight. It's not clear whether it will be a Celebrity Big Brother or Big Brother Hijack (the latter seems incredibly unlikely) but the news for now is that we haven't seen the last of the Big Brother franchise. What are your views on it? Should next year be the last?
Related: Follow Davina McCall on Twitter | Our Big Brother section
It's pretty obvious to anyone who has tuned into Big Brother 10 that it's hardly been a vintage year. From the live launch to present, the most startling thing that's happened is... what exactly? We've had a very brief row... um... we've had a little kissy-wissy... Saffia was mind-numbingly predictable in her wish to run off and smother her babies and... that's about it. One potential talking point concerns Angel who is showing all the signs of someone having an eating disorder. As yet, I'm not sure anyone is doing much about it. So while she's effectively left to starve and the rest continue to preen and paw, Big Brother will invariably be hatching the most crushingly obvious scheme known to man. I'm pretty certain that BB will be preparing to launch a new housemate at the direction of those that already serve.
Big Brother 10 is trundling on with the guile and panache of a horse on a bouncy castle. Sophia got voted out for being a little too forthright and on exit, looked weirdly like a Mini Pop. I kept expecting her to break into a high-pitched "My baby takes the morning train...". Of course, she, along with the Mohawked Lisa, have both fallen foul of that very modern disease, which is the misappropriation of honesty. Sophia slagged Saffia for being boring... but at least she did it to her face, like frontstabbing is the honourable version of backstabbing. Lisa loafed about calling Halfwit "a dickhead" and "pathetic" because he... well... wanted to be nice, albeit in a misguided way. And so, the gloves are off and we're set for some car-crash telly... right?
Related: Our Big Brother section
Alan Sugar has gone from being a child selling cabbages to football chairman, to TV superstar to government advisor! All this, despite the fact he looks like a sweaty apple that's been rolled around in iron filings. Well, it's his latest gig, the government one, that's seen people calling for him to quit The Apprentice. That's right. The Conservatives want him to stop making the show because we won't be politically neutral if he's working for The Man as enterprise tsar. The shadow culture secretary Jeremy Hunt (rhyming slang?) sent a letter to the BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons, saying Sugar's roles were "totally incompatible". So, do you think he should leave?
Related: More on The Apprentice
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Getting to know the housemates of Big Brother 10 is a bit like trying to get friendly with a radio that's almost tuned into Radio 1. It shows signs of being human with its definite human-style voices and hell, sometimes you can convince yourself that there's an emotional response. Yet between, there's prolonged awkward static, leaving you gawping and wondering what made your head so bored. You see, Big Brother is damned either way. When in full manipulative and cruel flow, people zone out and bemoan the fame-hungry housemates and brandish the whole thing as crass. On the other hand, like this series, when Big Brother is in generous mood, with a bunch of housemates largely getting along, the show feels pedestrian and uneventful. *Warning - Potential Spoiler Over The Jump*
Related: Click here for more Big Brother
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Thus far, Big Brother 10 has been erring on the side of pleasant. Everyone is still being kinda nice to each other as BB has refused to stick the thumb-screws on and start hiding people's smokes and ration their food. Of course, we all know what a pressure cooker the Big Brother house is... especially if the only pressure you've faced prior is akin to the hairdressers being shut or the offie has run out of WKDs. There's been a few fist-fights around the BB world, which will either shock you, or alternatively, please you that some reality chump is getting teeth knocked out. If you'd like to see the best BB punch-ups, click over.
Related: Our Big Brother Section
Big Brother is just around the corner and already, I can hear the sighs of people who haven't ever seen it moaning about the erosion of the very fabric of our existence. Yaaaa Boo! Waaaaaaa! Whether you like it or not, and regardless of the fact that it seems to be ailing, Big Brother is a rampant TV beast that manages to become an all encompassing pop cultural phenomenon. Like Glastonbury Festival becomes a city for a day, Big Brother becomes a media continent for a month or two. It takes hold of eyeballs and opinion like no other show. Is it a good thing? Who knows. Who really cares. It's a TV show. Granted, it's a TV show that polarises like no other. Amongst the cringing dross, there's some TV gold in there. We all know about The Big Events that happened... so here are some of my favourite moments that slip under the radar.
Related: Our Big Brother section
Jeremy Paxman is getting ratty at the moment. At the Hay festival this weekend, he called TV viewers "a bunch of barbarians". He continued: "Watching TV is the most popular leisure activity in this country now. I find this very depressing." However, after this weekend, I think he's got it wrong. Britain's Got Talent, like Big Brother, shows what the Number One Leisure Activity In Britain really is... and that's passing comment on a show you haven't even seen. This weekend, thanks to the Britain's Got Talent final, social networking sites were overloaded with commentary from people watching... however, in equal numbers, there were those that decided they pass judgement in a sniffy way, talking about how much they weren't watching it, like you can quantify how much you don't do something.
Related: Is anyone else feeling alienated by Britain's Got Talent?
I've managed to watch Britain's Got Talent once this year and that was out of idle curiosity. Would it be as bad as I'd imagined? Yes... and some. However, giving a show like BGT a kicking is almost redundant. I mean, we all know what a vapid tit Simon Cowell is and, if you can stomach him, with his weird Action Man hair and perfectly rectangular face, then you've got to put up with Piers Morgan who looks like one of those toys than expands in water. Amanda Holden is a no-body. We all know this. However, no matter how I try, I can't escape it.
Related: More Britain's Got Talent
From: Set The Video - Dis/Connected, BBC Three, Monday, 9pm