While I will happily sit down in front of I'd Do Anything, Big Brother and - last year at least thanks to a bit of talent - The X Factor, Dancing On Ice has always utterly failed to hold my attention. But, committed TV reviewer that I am, I decided to give it another go, and over the cut you can follow my thoughts via the notes I took as a draft text message while I watched. Oh it's all high tech around here...

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Dancing on Ice (or: Strictly Come Ice Skating) returns to our screens on Sunday night (ITV1, 7pm) and as ever, people will take the whole thing personally when their faves get the chop or slagged off by a bitchy judge. Like Strictly Come Dancing, there will be a lot of things to look out for that you'll have seen before, such is the restrictive nature of these kinds of shows (not that it's a bad thing per se). So, if you're settling down for the show on Saturday, why not play TV Bingo? Cross these off your list and reward yourself with a ginger nut/shot of absinthe!

Related: Dancing on Ice

Loads of actors say "I really am nothing like the characters I play." Whatever. We all know that you're all exactly like your characters... especially those of you who get typecast. Joan Collins is clearly a cold-hearted swine and Neil Morrissey is obviously the loud-mouth simpletons he tends to play. Clearly, using these two lame and not-really-very-true examples (I'm sure Collins and Morrissey are fine, upstanding people) mean that the rule is surely right. If you apply this rule to Dancing On Ice starlet, Gemma Bissix, she must be an evil witch who has come back to our screens to summon up dark forces and dart the same evil eyes she darted in Hollyoaks and EastEnders. Don't believe me? She's already at it!

Related: Hollyoaks review

I know you've all been desperate to hear who will be appearing on the next series of ITV's ice-dancing reality farrago, Dancing On Ice. You haven't? Got more important things to worry about? Pah. Well, just wait until I give you some names. Then you'll feel silly.

So Chris Fountain, Suzanne Shaw and Zaraah Abrahams made it to the final, which took place in one show over two hours. When this series began, the thought of being stuck watching it for two hours horrified me. Last night I could hardly wait for it to start. I suppose it's like a kind of Stockholm Syndrome...

For the final, the contestants had to perform three routines - the first featuring the required element - flying (on wires), the second their own choice of favourite routine from the series. Then one would be knocked out and the final two would each get to perform a version of Torvill and Dean's classic Bolero. If that wasn't enough excitement, the audience had the final say, the judges' scores counted for nothing.

It's the final of Dancing On Ice this coming Sunday and I've been a bit dismayed by the whole hype surrounding it. I mean, I really do think it's a rip-off of Strictly Come Dancing, but I can understand why people enjoy it. For me Strictly wins out because it's really glamorous, old-fashioned entertainment where the crowd are close and a crucial part of the show. The crowd is so far away in DOI you don't get a sense of atmosphere (apart from rabid screaming from some sections of the audience). Torvill and Dean too... why are they there? Isn't it enough for the professional dancers to be there? And the judges... anyway, I have issues with the show, and that's why I don't watch it.

But the thing that really gets my goat is the continuing fascination with Holly Willoughby's cleavage. In my book, she's annoying at the best of times, but I feel sorry for her on this occasion. Thanks to The Sun's 'phwoar, look at those' articles, Holly's bangers have been featured in every preview that I've seen of the show. This can't be right... do people really care that much about someone's boobs? And if so, why?

I've been criticised vehemently in the comments for not being sufficiently moved by Torvill and Dean's opening performances. This week they were accompanied by Leona Lewis performing her new single. I know I supposed to find it moving - there were twinkly lights, a gospel choir and a big 'ta-da!' finish - but I just didn't. Perhaps I need more wine.

Still the show's not really about Torvill & Dean - it's about the celebs. This week was the semi-final and, excitingly, all four remaining contestants were rather fab. So often in these kind of shows a clunker manages to make it through, but thankfully not this time.

Props week, this week and, as you may have already seen in the news (it was a slow news day), Suzanne Shaw came a cropper. Such a cropper that it wasn't certain she would skate.

But she did. In fact, she was out first. And for prop week this year they each had to skate with two props: Suzanne had the umbrella and the chair. In training, doing a handstand move on the chair, Suzanne not only cut her partner, Matt's, eye, she also chipped a bone in her ankle. The routine had been adapted to ensure her ankle wasn't permanently damaged, but I was still impressed that she came out and did it. She's clearly incredibly brave and determined. I'm not a huge fan of props week - I generally find the props distracting rather than enhancing - but it was a lovely programme: entertaining and accomplished. Over the weeks of this competition I've remembered why Suzanne was my favourite in Popstars (doesn't that seem like ages ago?).

Holly Willoughby has gotten a lot of press for her revealing dresses on Dancing On Ice, but despite complaints from viewers, she says she won't be covering up any time soon. Some viewers complaints have consisted of everything from "why doesn't she stop messing around and just do the show topless?" to "my husband and I have great fun trying to bet how low her top will be each week. She does struggle to keep them in, doesn't she?" But still, Holly says she won't change her wardrobe:

"I'm not going to change my entire wardrobe just because of what people have said. I love the dresses I wear, I think they are beautiful and until I think differently, I'll carry on.I'm womanly, I have boobs and hips and I dress to accommodate them - that's not going to change. Why should it? People say: 'You're a real curvy woman, you look great - go for it!' and everyone on the show thinks it's hilarious. I'm proud of my curves and I've always worn low necklines."

I have to agree with Holly on this one. I think she looks great, and she's certainly more covered up than Lindsay Lohan these days...

This post originally appeared on our sister site, Dollymix.

I actually found myself looking forward to Dancing On Ice this week. You see, it took a few weeks, but it finally broke me. I tell you what I'm not that bothered about though, Torvill & Dean's opening routine. I don't know if it's because they make it look so easy, but it just doesn't thrill me. (I do accept that, as with so many things, I'm probably in the minority on this one.)

Zaraah Abrahams was out first looking wobbly and petrified throughout and I felt tense watching her. It was a shame because the routine would have been great if she'd done it with confidence. She apparently hadn't been at all keen on doing this week's required element - an unaccompanied jump - so she didn't do it. They said that she did it, but I didn't actually see her skates leave the ice. Judge Jason Gardiner got booed for saying he didn't see it, but even in slow motion it wasn't identifiable as a jump.

Thanks to the wonder that is Chris Fountain (with Suzanne Shaw coming in a closes second), I was actually looking forward to Dancing On Ice this week. Also, I've got a bottle of wine.

This week's sixties theme was introduced in spectacular fashion with the opening number featuring not just Torvill and Dean, but all the contestants too. This week's required element was a "unique move" that the contestants had to create and name. Always a bit of a dull "element", that.

The competition's hotting up in Dancing On Ice. It's still not great - clunkers like Steve Backley and Greg Rusedski remain - but now that Aggie Mackenzie's gone, the average standard has shot way up. Plus, Holly Willoughby had her ya-yas on show again which should have the Daily Mail choking on its cornflakes.

Greg was out first and, while it was his best performance so far, it still wasn't good enough. He managed the required spin, did a few jumps on his own, but he still looked unsure and stilted. In fact, the final move - the "unravel" - was dreadful.

I missed Dancing On Ice last week thanks to having a sick kid (he's better now, thanks for asking). So what did I miss? Cleavage-gate. Michael Underwood breaking his ankle and being replaced by someone I've never heard of out of Coronation Street. And Samantha Mumba going out. Meh.

This week's theme was Broadway and the required element was the shadow step sequence - that's the celeb and the professional doing exactly the same steps in synch (but without touching). It's a toughie. Can they handle it?

Unforuntately, Keris wasn't around last night to bring you another of her excellent Dancing On Ice reviews, so here's a clip of Samantha Mumba chatting about her being voted off last night's show on GMTV this morning. Don't worry, Keris will be back next week to review the next exciting episode of Strictly Come Icing.

Another week, another two and a half hours of celebrity skating. And I've finished the Bailey's (and obviously can't buy more until next Christmas...). This week for the first time the contestants had to perform a "required element" - the lunge into spiral (you have to do a lunge, obviously, and then lift your leg in the air). Tricky, apparently.

Linda Lusardi was first out and her program didn't do much for me. The transitions between lifts and other manoeuvres were clumsy and she looked very unsure of what she was doing. She does look like she could be good with practice. The got very excited because Nicky Slater scored them a 6.0, but it was a mistake - it should have been a 3.5. Clearly there was no way it could have been a perfect score, but she and Phillip Schofield got all excited (I think he actually jumped in the air and gave a little clap) as if it was.

Sore loser Sarah Green was kicked off Dancing On Ice last night, and claims that contestant Aggie MacKenzie's secret weapon for staying in the show was to show her knickers off as much as possible. The former Blue Peter presenter told the judges,

"To keep your knickers in place, you wear tights and then fishnet tights over the top. You then have little hooks on your knickers, on the bottom of your leotard, which hook into your fishnets. It's a whole rigmarole but Aggie had hers taken off so that it rode up a bit more. It's her secret weapon."

Sarah also claims that while Aggie was using her ass cheeks to get farther ahead on the competition, she also was trying to win sympathy by showing off her bruises she had received in training. Sarah said, "We all have bruises. But if you wear the tights and fishnets, you can't see them." Pout much?

[via The Daily Mail]

This was originally posted on our sister site, Dollymix.

It's the new series of Dancing On Ice, but am I ready? Chocolate? Check. Booze? Check. Something to do during the interminable filler (the main show + the results show = 2.5 hours)? Check (organise tax return receipts).

ITV have obviously hammered the budget for this one since it began with Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean emerging from a giant chandelier before skating, accompanied by a huge troupe (or rather "ensemble" as host Phillip Schofield subsequently said - with the French pronunciation, no less) of dancers and skaters to Shirley Bassey's version of P!nk's I'm Comin' Up. It could not have been camper.

Hot on the heels of Strictly comes ITV's very own dancing competition. Dancing On Ice starts again this coming Saturday and today the contestants were announced. For my money, it's nowhere near as good as Strictly, but by all accounts ex-rugby player Kyran Brackan was a worthy winner and he's now even taken up skating professionally.

Anyway, the contestants: Gareth Gates, Tim Vincent, Greg Rusedski, Chris Fountain, Samantha Mumba, Linda Lusardi, Sarah Greene, Suzanne Shaw, Aggie Macenzie, Michael Underwood (GMTV bloke), Steve Backley and Natalie Pinkham. Gareth Gates should keep the phone votes ticking over, but my fave out of this lot of none entities is Aggie Macenzie. Go Aggie!!