For around the next 47½ months we can all ‘enjoy’ seeing a load of deluded halfwits lying on couches, lying on beds, lying in hot tubs or lying on kitchen surfaces while they moan endlessly about running out of hair product. Dear, oh, dear. What has humanity become?
Actually, what with the Olympics, Wimbledon and Euro 2012 to divert our attention this could actually be the year that viewing figures finally reach zero and they kick the whole thing into touch. Fingers crossed, eh?
Anyhoo, just in case there are any of you out there planning to watch this year’s Dreck-athon, here’s a run down of the pitiful creatures you’ll be gawping at:
BENEDICT GARRETT, 32 – Botswana-born zither player Benedict is allergic to marzipan, French cheeses, talcum powder and fun. He was once caught with 12 items in his basket at a 10-items-or-less checkout queue.
ADAM KELLY, 27 – A former hedge fund manager, Adam gave up his job when he discovered that it had nothing to do with hedges.
SHIEVONNE ROBINSON, 28 – Shievonne pronounces her name ‘Chav-one’. It’s the only interesting thing about her.
LAUREN CARRE, 20 – A very unique contestant. Lauren is the first housemate to come from Iceland, the first to have gills and the first to dress entirely in tinfoil.
ARRON LOWE, 23 – Despite being born with 7 tongues, devote creationist Arron is a world champion yodeller and the great grandson of former snooker commentator Ted Lowe.
SARA McLEAN, 22 – There is nothing whatsoever interesting to tell you about Sara McLean.
DEANA UPPAL, 23 – Party girl Deanna likes to pretend that she got her surname because she’s always ‘Up-All’ night. In fact it was her step-dad’s name which she was forced to take when her mother remarried. Her original surname ironically being ‘Narcoleptic’
CONOR MCINTYRE, 24 – Rangers fan Conor is fanatical about hometown football club. He has been to every game since he was 3, he has every room in his flat painted bright blue, he has the club badge tattooed across every part of his chest and lower abdomen and he once broke into Ibrox and stole some of the pitch so he could replant his back garden as a tribute to the club. A crime for which he spent 3 years on probation.
SCOTT MASON, 20 – Scott Mason is the nephew of fictional TV detective Perry Mason. You know, the one who was in a wheelchair. No, hang on that was Ironside. Anyway, you get the idea.
LYDIA LOUISA, 25 – The youngest ever housemate, or at least she would be if she was 7 years younger. A fact which causes Lydia great and furious consternation. The housemate most likely to get ‘stabby’.
VICTORIA EISERMANN, 41 – Recently released from the psychiatric wing of Holloway Prison, Victoria is hoping to use her appearance in the house to gain public sympathy before an appeal against her 17 year conviction for tickling a police horse.
CHRIS JAMES, 21 – The only thing we can find out about Chris is that his mam thinks he walks funny.
CAROLINE WHARRAM, 20 – 7’3” Sumo wrestler Caroline once tied herself to Edwina Curry as a protest about the price of eggs. No-one is quite sure how long this event lasted for as it generated no public interest whatsoever.
ASHLEIGH HUGHES, 20 – The housemate with the most body hair, Ashleigh must shave her entire torso every 6 hours or she overheats and has to be hospitalised. Doctors have expressed severe concern about her involvement in the programme.
LUKE ANDERSON, 31 – Luke works in a garden centre in his home town of Worthing. He is in charge of Geraniums.
LUKE SCRASE, 24 – Luke also works in a garden centre in his hometown, this time of Hastings. He is in charge of Begonias. Expect fireworks between these two.
ANTHONY, 33 – The first of three contestants who apparently thought it would be ‘cooler’ to not use their surname while in the house. So we’ll just call him Anthony Cakmangler. That’ll teach him.
BHAVESH, 30 – Another one with no surname. Let’s call him Bhavesh Bumtickler.
REBECCA, 19 – Last one (thank God). Erm, we’ll call her Rebecca Loos-stools. That’ll do.