The show returns on March 21 at 9PM on BBC1. As usual there will be Lord ‘don’t call me Suralan’ Sugar, Nick ‘Countdown’ Hewer’, Karren ‘not as good as Margaret’ Brady and 16 utterly deluded, highly-punchable business-types. Here is a quick rundown of the soon-to-be-fired candidates:
Michael Copp: Born on the Shetland Islands, Micheal has lived in a house boat on the River Nidd for the past decade. He sells bags of bread to tourists wanting to feed the ducks and has never had a proper job. Has webbed toes.
Azhar Siddique: Known in his hometown of Chichester as ‘that bloke who sells phones’ as he sells phones from the back of a van. Rumoured to be the most flatulent candidate.
Nick Hozherr: A distant cousin of Britney Spears, Nick made a living for a while as a Britney impersonator. He built up a fairly large following on the drag circuit until he accidentally killed a prop snake and was banned from performing by the RSPCA.
Tom Gearing: Tom used to hold the world record for non-stop hopping. He hopped between the ages or 9 and 17, only stopping when he developed shin splints.
Duane Bryan: Duane has an incredibly bland speaking voice. He once worked for a sleep research facility sending insomniacs to sleep by reading the phone book.
Adam Corbally: Adam claims to have invented cricket. He is also a rubbish liar.
Ricky Martin: Yes, THAT Ricky Martin. Honest.
Stephen Brady: Karren Brady’s husband, nepotism will guarantee Stephen a place in the final.
Laura Hogg: The only ex-mermaid to have ever entered The Apprentice, Laura still has to fully immerse herself in water every 3 hours, which may prove a disadvantage on some tasks.
Maria O’Connor: The second ex-mermaid to ever enter The Apprentice, expected to clash with Laura, especially when it comes to bath time.
Jenna Whittingham: Jenna has no qualifications, cannot drive and refuses to eat anything that isn’t pink. Used to work at a call centre but was sacked when everyone had had enough of her whinging.
Jane McEvoy: Jane pretends to be an Eskimo by dressing in oil skins and rubbing noses instead of shaking hands. Should be a favourite when it comes to the ‘igloo building’ challenge week.
Bilyana Apostolova: Born Susan Bland, Bilyana changed her name to something more interesting after watching every single James Bond film back to back. She also spends her spare time trying to throw a hat at a coat stand to impress Moneypenny.
Gabrielle Omar: 27, from Kendal, boring.
Katie Wright: Katie made and lost a fortune in the dotcom boom when she started a website selling M&S clothing. When M&S found out they sued.
Jade Nash: Jade was chosen for The Apprentice after attending the audition process in the nude. Nick Hewer was apparently particularly adamant that she should be selected.