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I can't remember a series of Masterchef - celebrity or otherwise - that has worked the three finalists as hard as they've done in this series. Iwan Thomas, Wendi Peters and Jayne Middlemiss looked knackered, tense and seriously on edge as they entered the Masterchef HQ kitchen this evening. Iwan even touched the frame of the door as he strode into the arena, just like Liverpool football players touch the 'This is Anfield' crest before they run onto the pitch. And this was even before the cooking started.
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There was a lot of crying last night's penultimate episode of Celebrity Masterchef. And who can blame these exhausted finalists? The series has been going for at least six years and Iwan Thomas is keen to win it I'm half expecting him to serve up his own kidneys in tomorrow night's final cook-off. But there was this very tense and breakneck episode to get out of the way first, and it was a doozie.
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As much as I'm a fan of Masterchef in all its forms, this series of Celebrity Masterchef has, to me, dragged a wee bit. The standard of cooking has been pretty poor, but things are getting serious now - it's semi-final time and you can see everyone has got their game faces on. So did I. I haven't watched it for a week or so, so I was eager to see if things had progressed. I'd also forgotten that this was an hour long, so it was isotonic drinks a go-go.
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Food on TV is wholly made-up of middle class people who are good at baking and chefs who are absolute wankshafts giving off the impression that they sniff cocaine constantly. That is, except for The People's Foodie, Sir Gregg Wallace. He's the lad about town who would be as happy eating at Smith's of Smithfield as having a kebab after a night on the burp-pop. So while Jamie Oliver's attempts at introducing Rotherham to celeriac seemed a little contrived and Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall's 'Chicken Out' campaign didn't exactly endear himself to everyone in the country, step forward Gregg (so foodie that's he's even got egg in his first name) with a show called Gregg Wallace's Recession Bites (BBC Two, Tuesday, 30 June, 10pm).
Related: Masterchef stuff! Here!
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Judging doesn't get any more stylised than this! This, being Celebrity Masterchef (BBC One, Wednesday, 1 July, 8pm) which, for reasons that haven't made themselves clear in my mind yet, hasn't managed to capture my imagination this year. Still that said, it's got its own high expectations to live up to and this week, after three weeks of some inspired cooking... and of course, some glaring cock-ups (green pancake) Gregg and John are set to virtually sit in each others laps, pondering loudly at each others eyeballs about the six remaining celebrity chefs left in the Masterchef examination room/kitchen. Down to six? Yep. It's semi-final time.
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Celebrity MasterChef (BBC One, Wednesday, 17 June, 8pm), like The Internet, is a very serious business... for absolutely no reason. Both of these things require participants to get overly passionate about things that don't really matter too much to the point where it resembles an OCD. People get scalded online by the grammar police, so too in the kitchens of TV, people are slapped with a heavy hand because the broccoli doesn't quite go with the prawns. One step back to breathe and you realise that it's all a bit silly really. However, it's because Celebrity Masterchef takes itself so incredibly seriously that we enjoy watching it. It's almost camp in the determination to be respected by everyone else. The snare skin tension of the music, the cold, hard stares of Torode and Wallace and the exam room dread of the room in which the celebrities cook all add up to a delightfully ludicrous show in which the winner gets little more than a crap trophy.
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"Biiiiiig biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig flavours! GRRRRRR! ROWF!" Celebrity Masterchef (BBC One, Wednesday, 10 June, 8pm) it's lovely to have you back on our screens. It really is. Oh how I've missed your complete over egging of the situation and the needless cranking of tension toward people who just want to cook something nice to eat. Yep. The show returned last night and barely a thing was different about it, which was fun because now it's on BBC One, as opposed to BBC Two, the show could've tweaked this and that in an attempt to make more of what they had... but really, the format is so tight that to tinker with it needlessly would be churlish. So we all tune in to play Masterchef Bingo in our heads and enjoy the culinary disasters and triumphs and grab at shadows in our attempts to spot the eventual winner.
Related: Our Masterchef section | Our Gregg Wallace interview | Our India Fisher interview
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