A: Who will it be this time?
B: Oooh, I don't know, Johnny Depp?
A: Guess again.
B: Keira Knightley?
A: Lower.
B: David Duchovny?
A: Just ask for help if you need it.
B: But I'm enjoying the guessing!
A: Seriously. Shut it. The guessing is over.
B: But the guessing...
A: Don't make me hit you.

Which slightly unhinged popular former virgin has the Simon Cowell managed to trick into appearing on his show? It's Britney, bitch. Ms Spears will perform her new single Womanizer on the X Factor. Here's what Simon says:

I'll be honest with you here. I haven't seen Stuart Maconie's TV Towns (ITV3, Thursday, 9pm) but I feel compelled to give you the option of watching something that isn't BBC Two on a Thursday evening (which you clearly dislike having read the comments about Vivienne Vyle and Peter Serafinowicz). So what's the alternative?

Well, Stuart Maconie is a supremely lovely bloke, knowledgable and trustworthy, and ready to take us on a trip through TV towns. Thursday sees Maconie going to Liverpool (okay, it's a city, but that's doesn't really matter) to look at the tales behind some of the country's most-filmed locations. In Liverpool he visits the Cavern, where the Beatles were captured in performance by a Granada crew in 1962, before heading down to the Albert Docks to see where Richard and Judy's This Morning show was recorded (not to mention Fred Talbot's fine floating weather map). It won't be a hair raising thrill-a-minute, but enjoyable all the same.

An idea floated by the media regulator Ofcom - to help maintain "public service" programming by sharing out the licence fee between BBC and commercial broadcasters - was criticised by both BBC and ITV bosses this week. ITV executive chairman Michael Grade, speaking at a convention organised by the Royal Television Society, said he didn't want any of the licence fee.

TVScoop has covered many stories centred around how the BBC is struggling with its finances after a smaller-than-expected licence fee settlement, so it will come as no surprise that BBC director general Mark Thompson was also against the idea, saying it would weaken the corporation, which is has no other source of revenue. Channel 4 has yet to comment, but would also be in line to benefit from any change to the distribution of the licence fee, which will be considered by the government in 2012. Click through for your chance to decide what should be done with the licence fee.

Media secretary James Purnell MP has told broadcasters to move on from the controversies that have dogged the TV industry this year. Purnell, who was speaking at the Royal Television Society Cambridge Convention, said that TV produced in this country was something to be proud of, and that it was the content that would "win out".

Purnell urged broadcasters to draw the "right lessons" from recent controversies, commenting that they need to "respect their audience", who expect a certain standard from UK broadcasting. "You [broadcasters] need to put your house in order, and if you don’t there will be a clamour for Ofcom and the BBC Trust to take further action... I do think people feel let down. But you only get to feel let down if you hold something in high regard in the first place," he said.

ITV has unveiled the details of its business review, which includes a three to five year self-funded, content led plan to restore growth. Eh? The broadcaster wants to double its content revenues to £1.2 billion by 2012, and is aiming for online revenues of £150 million by 2010. This is to be partly achieved by growing ITV.com to become a 'top ten' UK commercial entertainment site.

ITV executive chairman Michael Grade said: "By 2012, I want ITV to be widely acknowledged as the UK’s favourite source of free, original entertainment across all popular platforms and devices, not just on television. Reshaped, revitalised and redeployed, ITV’s unrivalled assets will ensure that it is once again a top and bottom line growth business. To achieve this we are implementing a content-led growth plan, built on ITV’s creation and ownership of the UK’s most valuable programmes. Our plan enables us to sustain investment in original programmes and content through self-funding."

Content led meaning what exactly? Are ITV promising to show decent programmes then? Surely that's what they're supposed to be doing anyway?

Roald Dahl, one of the most successful children’s authors in the world, was an outstanding storyteller and a master of mischievous invention. His creations – from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The BFG, The Twits, James and The Giant Peach and Matilda - have enduring appeal, through films, plays, musicals, and most potently of all, through the pure magic of his madcap books.

This autumn, over the course of a weekend ITV3 looks at Dahl’s huge enduring appeal in two newly commissioned films – Roald Dahl’s Revolting Rule Book and The Unexpected Roald Dahl. In Roald Dahl’s Revolting Rule Book Richard E Grant takes a look at the eight weird and wonderful laws that govern all of his creations and make all his work so peculiarly grotesque. The rules range from the sinister – Rule 3: Bad Things Happen and Rule 4: Revenge Is Sweet, to the whimsical – Rule 1: Just add chocolate.

The European Commission and footballing body UEFA have teamed up to launch an anti-obesity TV campaign - featuring a group of armchair-ridden couch potatoes struggling to play football - that will run during this year's Champions League coverage. The 30-second ad, "Go on, get out of your armchair", is scheduled to run 2,023 times during the half-time breaks in each match over the course of the September to May competition. The commercial is expected to reach between 80 million and 100 million viewers during each match week of the Champions League.

Is TV the biggest lie producing machine in history? Of course it is. That's what it's there for. TV never reflected reality by virtue of the fact that is was all a bit too real. We can all recall a great TV fib... spaghetti trees, fake haunted houses with a mock spooked Sarah Green... but now, things have changed. Once, TV was unabashed about the lies it told. We could trust that any lies were for our benefit and required a certain amount of suspension of disbelief. TV has taken away the trust and taken a sinister turn.

It seems that, at the moment, you can't move for TV scandals. Some are more worrying than others. Some sneaky editing has left The Queen looking like a pilchard, more editing suite fun left us under the impression that Gordon Ramsay is quite the fisherman.These to me are old fashioned lies. Editing something quite dull into something slightly less dull. However, apart from the creative edit, TV shows have been lying to us whilst dipping a hand into our pockets.

Do you remember me telling you about the BBC slagging ITV for copying all their shows? Well, ITV director of telly, Simon Shaps, has hit back at these accusations. Mr Shaps' (known as Mr Doesn't Really Have A Leg To Stand On) defended Tycoon (Dragon's Den/The Apprentice), Grease Is The Word (How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria and Any Dream Will Do) and Trinny and Susannah Undress (er... Trinny and Susannah) by prattling on about how hard it is to have an idea.

Shaps said: "We stand by the programmes we commission. They feel original pieces of television and I'm confident that they are." He then joked "We're definitely not doing our version of Castaway." (Celebrity Love Island). Shappers continued that it's almost impossible to find a completely original "holy grail" idea in television, adding: "There are no new shows under the sun."

The BBC director general, Mark Thompson, has launched a scathing (but seemingly justified) attack against arch rivals ITV, accusing shows like Tycoon and Grease is the Word of being copycats of successful corporation shows. Something I mentioned t'other week no less. BBC? Bleedin' copycats.

Mr Thompson, speaking at the launch of the BBC 2007 annual report today, attacked the "copycatting" policy of rivals, which he said was flattering but showed that the BBC was leading the way in programming. He singled out ITV1 business reality show Tycoon, which he said was "very like The Apprentice and there's possibly a bit of Dragons Den in there".

Mr Thompson also highlighted other ITV1 formats such as reality talent format Grease is the Word and Trinny and Susannah Undress, which "feels quite a lot like What Not To Wear", before adding "you see very rapid copycatting."

You can still see David Suchet's masterly portrayal of Poirot across the ITV network, but the Radio Times has reported this week that the actor is set to play dodgy newspaper and media tycoon Robert Maxwell in a forthcoming BBC2 drama.

The news is quite topical, because the BBC has also found some lost tapes of Maxwell this week, so once again, the deceased businessman is back in the news. David says that he only took the role after speaking with the Maxwell's widow, and the drama will look at the last few months of his life. Look out for it on BBC2 later in the year.

If ITV Play was a family pet, then it's fair to say that it would be a rather annoying Yorkshire Terrier. Yapping away in the corner and biting your feet, you realise that ol' Yorkie is passed his best and in fact quite ill. The only sensible thing is to put poor old Yorkie out of its misery by a trip to the vets to send him to Dogri-La.

This needlessly wordy introduction is my way of saying that ITV are sticking the boot in on the dismal ITV Play channel. What will they replace it with?

Twenty years ago, when Inspector Morse was first broadcast, I wasn't watching much telly and certainly didn't have time to commit to a new series. As a result, I never really got into it and although this story has been repeated for me with several other shows, I never regretted it more than with Morse, which the nation took to their hearts in a way that will probably never happen again now that we have so much viewing choice. Indeed with world-wide audiences for Morse estimated at a billion people in countries as diverse as Mongolia, Malawi and Papua New Guinea, you could say the world took him to their hearts.

Good news then for Morse fans, that ITV are planning a weekend of special programmes on ITV3 to commemorate the anniversary.

If I had the power to hand out degrees in stating the blindingly obvious, then I'd be winging my way to ITV boss, Michael Grade, certificate in hand, this instant. Why? Well, Grade has just caught on to what anyone with functioning eyeballs and brain has been thinking for years. That ITV's programmes is generally awful.

The ITV executive chairman said that the broadcaster's programming lacked "innovation" and as a result, the company reported a fall in annual profits. He blamed a ratings-driven culture and the advertising regime imposed on ITV when it merged to become one company three years ago. A poor workman blames his tools son...

Skulls. Pagan imagery. Devils. Tarot Cards. Naked dancing women and fairground music. Why aren't all credits like that? Well, for those of you who guessed I was talking about the marvellous Tales of the Unexpected, you'll be thrilled to know that ITV3 is re-running the classic drama with a double bill on Friday at 9pm. Remember, if you're going to kill, hit someone with a leg of lamb and then feed the evidence to the police... genius.

Five's new channel, Five Life, has acquired the multi-channel rights to two of Britain’s most popular dramas, Bad Girls and Footballers’ Wives. The shows popularity are a constant source of puzzlement for me, but thankfully, I'm not the entire Great British public all by myself.

Nick Thorogood, controller of Five Life and Five US, said: “Bad Girls and Footballers’ Wives are terrific dramas; groundbreaking and great fun - perfect additions to Five Life where we have already brought our viewers a rich mix of drama and entertainment.“

Ofcom, TV regulators and stuff, have published a report saying that nearly three out of four UK households now view digital television on their main set. Obviously, this doesn't include houses with no TV but that's blindingly obvious isn't it?

Around 600,000 kicked analogue TV out of the back door and pressed red to watch digital terrestrial television (DTT) for the first time, with almost eight million second sets now connected to receive a digital reception, an increase of four million in the same period last year. 9.3 million UK households now have DTT on at least one set in the home, up from 6.8 million in September last year.