About bloody time. This week sees the return of MasterChef (BBC One, Thursday, 18 February, 8.30pm). No Already Famous People, no professionals... good, honest, amateur cooks going head-to-head in a food-off. Once more, John Torode and Gregg Wallace return to the fray enabling us all to play MasterChef bingo!
Just when I'm ready to kill every single TV chef on the planet... sod it... I'd dig up the corpse of Fanny Craddock just to insult the bones... along comes someone so cheery, so down to earth and so skilled that I (nearly) fall in love with the format all over again. Yep, Raymond Blanc's Kitchen Secrets (BBC Two, Monday, 15 February, 8.30pm) arrived on our televisions last night and slapped a great big stupid grin on my face.
We've seen him in the kitchen's of hopefuls talking about "zer munnay" and generally being rather brilliant all the time... now it's time to uncover the truth behind Raymond Blanc's Kitchen Secrets (BBC Two, Monday, 15 February, 8.30pm) as he cooks up all manner of tasty looking things and generally acts very, very French (in a nice way).
Gordon Ramsay has gone from eye-popping curio to something akin to an old drunk shouting at passers-by from the door of a pub. Once, the TV he made was fascinating. It was equal parts cruelty and frustration. Now... well, it's just shouting. Relentless, unforgiving howling into the wind. And the bad news is that it's back to curdle your blood in Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA (Channel 4, Friday, 12 February, 9pm).
Gordon's Great Escape (Channel 4, Monday, 18 January, 9pm) was the latest TV blodge in Channel 4's clunky 'Indian season'. While the intention is admirable, the execution has been rubbish in places. Sending Gordon Ramsay to India to look at the cooking and people could have been great... instead, we were left with a feeling of The Empire.
It's clear that Gordon Ramsay doesn't command the same respect he once did on TV. Initially, his firebrand cookery excited foodfans who, until that point, had been used to cuddly and nice chefs. However, the badboy turned panto and everyone got bored. So, in an attempt at rebranding Gordo, we're faced with Gordon's Great Escape (Channel 4, Monday, 18 January, 9pm)
Even though I'm getting tired of the sheer volume of cookery shows on the box, one consistently pleasant treat is Si and Dave aka The Hairy Bikers. And last night, they appeared chortling into view with The Hairy Bikers: Mums Know Best (BBC Two, Tuesday, 12 January, 8pm). Many foodie gits have bemoaned the non-pro cooks that appear on our screens, but like a lot of TV viewers (I suspect... and I'm often wrong), I'm more prone to a food enthusiast than a food Nazi... something that could never be thrown at Si and Dave or Delia.
Of all the TV foodies on the box, the only one I can't get mad at is Heston Blumenthal. He's the mad Professor Yaffle of cookery. Instead of giving us tips, he fills our heads with ideas so mental that by the close of his show, someone will need to hang our brains in a gallery. And so, with great glee, I look forward to watching Heston's Christmas Feast (Channel 4, Friday, 18 December, 9pm) which will once again, make me insanely jealous of anyone fortunate enough to get their tea cooked for by the most mental chef in history.
Christmas time is here again, and naturally, this means that TV is bloated with a whole host of cookery gits telling us what to eat. They've every right to of course, because we're all idiots who just buy turkeys every Yule without really thinking about it (unless you're a foodie already of course). The latest chef with ideas is Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall with his Christmas at River Cottage (Channel 4, Monday, 14 December, 8pm)... and he's got a gun.
If you can find something from within yourself to stomach yet another programme about food without immediately self-harming your innards with household bleach, then you'll be thrilled to know that this week sees another series of River Cottage (Channel 4, Thursday, 12 November, 8pm). While it's perfectly reasonable to say that TV is overloaded with far too much food these days, it's not fair to say that they're all rubbish. They're just mostly rubbish.
A clearly weary world can trudge toward Masterchef The Professionals (BBC Two, Thursday, 22 October, 8pm) in a show that's fast becoming a parody of itself. The shouting, the ear-imploding rave, the thumb-screw pressure applied to sweaty cooks and Gregg Wallace's sweet tooth... they're all there, all present and correct and... well... exactly as you left them.
The Restaurant is one of the most engrossing and classy shows on the box and, in world-renowned chef and restaurateur Raymond Blanc, they've got a man who really knows his onions. Literally I guess. Blanc & Co return to BBC Two on Thursday 29 October at 8.00pm in the third series of the show with nine couples hungry for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to open a restaurant with him. It still stuns me at how great the prize is!
Related: More Restaurant action on TV Scoop
Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is a man with a mission. His mission is to badger us into submission until we're all living like medieval peasants off the land. That's a nice enough thought but y'know, I like Playstations, kettles and Whopper Burgers. So whilst I lead a life that would make a duckling bawl, Hugh's has... River Cottage: Gone Fishing (Channel 4, Tuesday, 15 September, 8pm)... sorry, I couldn't crowbar it into a sentence.
The closest thing we've had to Caribbean food on TV has been Ainsley Harriot gurning over a hob and bulging his eyeballs over a bit of Percy. He's pure nonsense. He's also a bit Children's Entertainer as opposed to real deal, roots-fi cookery. So step forward Levi Roots, star of Dragons Den who pisses charisma, in new food show Caribbean Food Made Easy (BBC Two, Monday, 24 August, 8.30pm). And what a welcome addition to the schedule it is.
Related: Chinese Food Made Easy | Dragons Den Section
Cookery travelogues can be a bit on the self indulgent side can't they? They say "Look at me! I've been paid to go to somewhere you'll never visit and eat loads of mental food... GASP... this insane looking thing has only been fried and my mind is completely blown. I feel like I'm on drugs. F U people of Rotherham." Mercifully, Rick Stein's Far Eastern Odyssey (BBC Two, Thursday, 16 July, 8pm) didn't suffer from that too much. Rather, it was like been taken away for a weekend by an old gay man spoiling you with posh grub.
Related: Rick Stein's Memoirs of a Seafood Chef | Rick Stein's Who Do You Think You Are?
Sophie Dahl, you know her right? She caused pent-up men to masturbate furiously whilst driving their cars, crashing into the already flaming wreckage on roundabouts due to some nudey photoshoot she did on billboards. Well, she's about to appear on our screens with a new cookery show on BBC Two. Made by Jamie Oliver's production house (so expect slightly wobbly cameras) and due on air in 2010, Sophie will work up recipes and reminisce on her own personal food memories. Does that sound like fun? Of course, she's better know for her modelling (and as a by-product, being a bit larger than your average model and then losing loads of weight) and the fact she's got a famous dad.
Related: Our Food TV section
There's something immediately pleasing about Rick Stein. He seems like a nice bloke... but one that could throw a punch in your defence if needed. He's travelled the Mediterranean and widened his eyes at fresh fish near his house and now, we get to tag along in Rick Stein's Far Eastern Odyssey (BBC Two, Thursday, 16 July, 8pm). The Far East has been a muse to pretty much every TV chef going, yet no-one has managed to beat Keith Floyd in terms of going there and making hilarious and brilliant TV. That's possibly down to the fact that no-one dared knock as many drinks back as Floyd. So will Stein be swiping the crown?
Related: Rick Stein's Memoirs of a Seafood Chef | Rick Stein and Cornwall fall out? | Rick Stein's Who Do You Think You Are?
Back in 2008, the BBC trumpeted the arrival of a new TV chef. He was supposed to be a rebel, the Russell Brand of cookery, and a breath of fresh air to blow through a stale genre. I immediately hated him. Anyone who is so compartmentalised and so manufactured is surely only good for being utterly ignored. The first moments of What To Eat Now seemed to confirm my initial view, but then something weird happened. I started to tolerate and then actually like the guy. Sure, he was goofy and full of self-consciously odd phrases, but some of the food he cooked was right up my alley. Because of this, I was actually looking forward to this new seasonal series.
Related: TV Review: What To Eat Now | Valentine Warner... why?
From: TV Review: Too Poor for Posh School, Channel 4, Thursday, 11 March, 9pm