BBC One has commissioned a new show called 101 Ways To Leave A Gameshow, which will air on Saturday evenings and will be hosted by hunk/irritating ironist Steve Jones. So what wacky adventures with the T4 man be getting up to then?

Following her acclaimed documentary series Lefties and Jews, film-maker Vanessa Engle's new three-part documentary, Women, comes soon to BBC Four. Coinciding with International Women's Day on Monday 8th March, Women will see Engle turn her attention to sexual politics, charting the rise of feminism and interrogating its impact on contemporary women's lives.

Space Dive (a working title currently), an exclusive BBC documentary, is set to follow Felix Baumgartner (Fnarr! That sounds like Bum Gardener!), elite BASE jumper, as he freefalls from space, shattering world records. Bloody hell! Jumping from space? Lunatic.

The story of our nation is to be told through its treasures on BBC One. David Dimbleby charts a landmark history of Britain's greatest art and artefacts over 2,000 years, in Seven Ages Of Britain. The seven-part series of 60-minute programmes (shot in swanky HD) kicks off at 9.00pm on Sunday 31st January. An arts commission in partnership with The Open University, Seven Ages Of Britain looks at our extraordinary past through the arts - both as treasures, that have often played a decisive part in events, and as marvels of their age.

Imagine the clawing horror as you, a young nubile woman, dances away at the club, only to see someone wearing the same outfit as you. Imagine further, that this woman has had the sheer bloody nerve to start chatting up the lad you had your eye on. Then, to compound your misery, she sticks her tongue down his throat and her waps fall out. Then, you realise it's your mum.

The BBC has today unveiled highlights of its Winter/Spring drama offering for 2010. Although surely winter is nearly over now? I never know when the seasons start and end... but never mind. Auntie says: The line-up will provide a huge range of styles and themes with something for all audiences to enjoy. It's definitely varied and looking really strong.

Are you sick of this snow yet? Apart from a drunken snowball fight in the early hours of this morning, this snow has brought me nothing but misery. It looks pretty but it makes me cold and grumpy. Mostly because people won't stop bloody talking about it and taking rubbish pictures of it. Now, we're set for more snow on our tellies.

BBC Three is definitely the farting runt tugging at Auntie's hem. It's all programmes about idiots and people who live on a chip diet and robots telling slappers how to dress properly. It's TV alcopop. Anyway, BeebThree has announced the new line-up for the cold months.

Okay. Before we go any further, listen up. For those of you who start slitting their wrists at spoilers, walk away now. Seriously. Go away. I won't be responsible for your wailing complaints about spoiling your enjoyment of TV. Okay? Now those losers have gone, us adults can talk about Shameless.

It's time to paint the town yellow as Sky1 celebrates 20 years of television's most famous, and reassuringly mental family, The Simpsons. The residents of Springfield are marking their 20th anniversary with three brand-new programmes voiced by self-confessed Simpsons nut Ricky Gervais.

James Corden, of Gavin and Stacey fame, has reportedly kicked off talks with the BBC about hosting a football World Cup show. According to The Sun, the programme wouldn't be a million miles away from David Baddiel and Frank Skinner's Fantasy Football series.

Television is a baffling, baffling world. People pitch all manner of brilliant ideas and get rejected constantly. Then, somehow, something so mindnumbingly awful gets commissioned that you convince yourself that Britain is a place devoid of any talent whatsoever. What's brought this on? Well, pull up a seat and let me tell you...

If you haven't heard the weary world wisdom of Karl Pilkington yet, you're really missing out. Pilkington, of course, is Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's mate and he has a very round head indeed. He's set to star in a new Sky1 travel series which see him going off in search of the seven wonders of the world.

BBC Two has commissioned a comedy pilot with female comedy duo Lorna Watson and Ingrid Oliver. There's not been much on TV in the way of new female comedy (it's probably wise not to make a gender issue out of it though, eh?). Anyway, the show will take place in front of a live studio audience and will also feature a host of other comedy talent. And there's a nice video over the jump if you want to see them in action.

Thousands of mad dancing people got together up and down the country to perform for a panel of judges in the hope that they could take part in Sky1's brand new dance contest Got To Dance. Edinburgh, Manchester and London played host to the giant Dance Dome where hopefuls came to wriggle and bop in front of Diversity lead choreographer Ashley Banjo, Pussycat Doll Kimberly Wyatt, and Coyote Ugly and West End star Adam Garcia. The lovely Davina McCall was on hand to cheer or cuddle those who succeeded and failed.

Total Wipeout is one of the dumbest shows on TV. That's why people watch it. I can never decide if I love it as a modern day It's A Knockout! or whether I hate it because it seems like people making a tit of themselves for Richard Hammond's pleasure (which is obviously a bad thing). Well, now we've got a slightly different beast... now the celebrities are getting involved... and what a weird bunch have been chosen.

When we last saw Jack Bauer, his life was hanging in the balance. It's always hanging in the balance. When evil-doers aren't trying to kill him up, he's turning into a smack head. Of course, the best thing about our Jack is that he's as hard-as-nails and always bounces back like a mental rubber ball.

Sorry. You've just caught me wiping up my own drool. That's because there's brilliant news! Former Doctor Who (and generally the best actor on the planet) Christopher Eccleston is to play John Lennon in a new BBC Four drama. How great is that? The show will be called 'Lennon Naked', and is a one-off 90-minuter which looks at Lennon's life from 1967 to 1971.