I like picking on BBC Three. Granted, I like bullying ITV and Five more, but BBC Three is a nice easy target for someone like me (aka A sniping knucklehead). However, of late, I've started getting weary of BBC Three criticisms. It seems a bit old hat. It seems a bit too snobby. It seems that , BBC Three is the antithesis of everything good about the world. Of course, these days, 'everything that's great about the world' effectively means 6 Music.

If you don't like people ranting about private schools, then you'd better look away now as this review of Too Poor for Posh School (Channel 4, Thursday, 11 March, 9pm) will invariably contain wild, off-the-mark judgements about those who paid fees to get an education. Unless, of course, you're like me and just loved to get riled up by complete strangers... which is what this TV show was a lesson in.

Live television does strange things to people. If you're a presenter, it guarantees a certain urgency in your voice. While this immediacy is no doubt borne of nerves and the adreneline of live presenting, it does tend to imply a certain level of importance to what's going on. As such, telethons and live sporting events are given gravitas... however, what happens when you're presenting something that's not especially dramatic?

Watching Lost is like reading cryptic crossword clues when English is your second language. It's a daft show that has people feverishly trying to work it all out despite the fact that such an activity is about as futile as trying to lick the back of your own neck. It's pissing viewers as well, hitting a new low of 559,000 viewers on Sky1 on Friday night. It was beaten by a repeat of Doc Martin on ITV3.

The news on television, for the most part, is a farce. It's serves no function at all. It tells you about a man getting murdered, despite the fact that there's a whole load of murders going on in any given day. However, if the angle is right then it gets run. How about a train crash somewhere in Europe? Again, little bearing on our lives but shown to us in gory, twisted metal detail. Now, it's taking the higher ground on Gordon Brown's alleged bullying.

The Brit Awards (ITV1, Tuesday, 16 February, 8pm) are pretty pointless aren't they? Not that I begrudge musicians for accepting awards of any kind... it's like getting a gold star from a teacher. It doesn't mean anything as such but no-one can resist praise, even when it's as sycophantic as an showbusiness awards show.

Seeing as it was Valentine's Day, I figured I'd watch something romantic. This of course led me to the Babestation channels - three whole channels devoted to late-night onanists, lonely shift-workers and widowers. Once, the graveyard slot was filled with thieving idiots posing under the banner of 'quiz show'. Quizmania and The Mint would have you believe that the system was fair and the nation's most depressed and amnesiac would rattle around their houses, listening to kind kid-presenter voices whilst being fleeced for every single penny from their account.

Deal Or No Deal is mental. A game of chance turned into the closest thing Britain has got to a cult. In Noel Edmonds we've got a man who directs the people with quacky systems and a belief in higher forces. Essentially it fulfils Channel 4's religious output. Such is the fervour of which people love the show, they've melted an entire website until it was turned into a blessed ointment.

The BBC wants to let everyone know that they're not Londoncentric at all. Nosiree. They're moving a chunk of the staff to Salford's Media City and, to acclimatise them with the ways of Northern living, they're making a season of Northerncentric shows. This means programmes celebrating pies, kitchen sink dramas and rugby league. I wonder if Matchstick Men and Matchstick Cats and Dogs will be heard piping over some footage?

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the only good thing shown on TV recently is Doctor Who and The Wire. Everything else is staggeringly crap. Right? TV continues to scrape the barrel with format reality shows and things featuring Amanda Holden and/or Piers Morgan. It's an insult. However, there's a show airing currently that's so classy that it should come with an olive on a cocktail stick.

I've said some dreadful things about people on these pages in the name of getting a cheap laugh. Horse-whippings, public humiliation... that sort of thing. Most of the time, I don't mean it and it all unfurls like an elaborate joke to make me look like the biggest idiot of them all. However, sometimes I do mean it... and that's usually when my target is someone who thrills in the public humiliation of others. As soon as someone does that, they're fair game for the most horrible things I can dream up. Step forward Jason Gardiner from Dancing on Ice.

BBC bosses have apparently ordered Adrian Chiles to shave off his beard. Okay, the likelihood of that being true is incredibly slim, but that's what reports are saying and it gives me the chance to rant off-topic. Chiles has been sporting a beard on The One Show for the past month.

Before I get going on this article, I'll just let you in on a little secret: God doesn't exist. Okay, let's get going! The Church of England is getting all uppity because it thinks that British TV is "sensationalist and unduly critical" of religious programming. Basically, TV is making religion look like a massive freak show.

The 'who is the best character?' question doesn't really work with many TV shows. I mean, ask someone who their favourite Friends character is and it'll be a reasonably short conversation because there's about 10 people to choose from. However, ask it of The Simpsons and you could be there all day. Such is the depth of the show that it's near impossible to get a satisfying answer... however, the official Simpsons' comic has asked just that.

Sometimes, as a TV critic, you doubt your own abilities. Or at least, you should. It's probably the same in any walk of life. There's always someone else who seems better than you at something you do. However, there is hope. It comes in the shape of The TV Expert, usually found on the judging panel of a talent show.

This summer will see Big Brother bow out on Channel 4. It'll be the last time the show features on the channel... but how should it bow out? Well, instead of pulling out the stops to fill the house full of not-rights and attention seekers, it should fill the house will Greatest Hits...

Here's an interesting little story. According to a new report, Heroes is the most illegally downloaded show of 2009. According to TorrentFreak, the number of downloads on BitTorrent - around 6,580,000 - exceeded the average viewership - an estimated 5,900,000 - on US television in 2009. It goes without saying that Lost is up there as well as Dexter.

Wow. What a strange year. A recession blighted our fair isle and we all got a case of the weirds. We all huddled around our TVs and watched the oddest shows ever broadcast... all the while, TV Scoop went through a weird time. Yep, we were hit by the credit crunch as well.