Weekend time! Of course, the weather is determined to spoil it for some of us by rain hitting our windows so hard that we won’t be able to even hear our TVs. Hmm. Well, here’s what you won’t be able to hear.

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The weekend is here! Yes indeed! Summer seems to be over (for the time being) so let us all stay inside and sulk in front of the television set! WAHOO! So what’s on?

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Lately, there’s been a decent clutch of grown-up comedy shows on our tellyboxes… which is nice. Now the great Rev has finished, we all get the chance to see (or re-watch in some cases) Getting On (BBC Two, Thursday, 5 August, 10pm).

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Last year, those lovely people from Cutting Edge, we witnessed 50 British weddings on our tellyboxes. That was nice wasn’t it? Now, we’re returning to the fold to see how many of these unions have survived in Newlyweds: The One Year Itch (Channel 4, Wednesday, 4 August, 9pm).

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Drugs. Its a bloody minefield. For the most part, people seem to take them recreationally without too much fuss. A lot of those people are those that chastise the drug trade in the press. However, the underbelly of the drugworld is unspeakably grim. And so, we go to Our Drugs War (Channel 4, Monday, 2 August, 8pm) in the first of a new series, subtitled: Everyone’s at It.

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We TV viewers are a boring bunch. We sit around adjusting our undergarments around our genitals, dribbling over unrealistic burgers on commercials and wondering where dust comes from. Exciting people don’t watch television. They’re off doing mental things and being filmed to save us from nearly killing ourselves. Welcome, The Men Who Jump Off Buildings (Channel 4, Wednesday, 28 July, 9pm).

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The weekend is here and, to be perfectly honest, the TV listings don’t look amazing. However, there’s a couple of bits to keep an eye out for. As usual, you’ll find them over the jump… or at least I might be rude about them.

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Undercover Boss (Channel 4, Thursday, 22 July, 9pm) is a curious little programme. On one hand, I find it refreshing that some CEO should want to get his hands dirty and know exactly what it is like for those at ground level. On the other, the show is a Secret Millionaire rip-off and feels a bit lazy.

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It is time for the return of Celebrity Masterchef (BBC One, Wednesday, 21 July, 8pm) which gets stupid famous people and sticks them in front of a bunch of ingredients and pans and demands that they take it all very seriously… because food is really, really serious business.

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The weekend is here again and, if you live ’round my way, the weather is shocking. That means you’ll be glaring angrily out of the window at those great big rainy clouds and settling down with the telly – your only true friend.

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Parents with newborn tend to be idiots. They bleat on about each bowel movement of their darling little offspring and present it to the world like their baby just shat a diamond encrusted skull. They coo at how their children cover the entire house in spaghetti hoops. Mercifully, most parents grow out of this hideous behaviour. But what of those that don’t? Welcome to My Child’s Big Fat Birthday Party (BBC One, Monday, 19 July, 10.35pm).

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Celebrity Come Dine with Me (Channel 4, Thursday, 15 July, 8pm) is only ever any good when they’ve got someone on who is an appalling human being… someone able to prompt abject horror into your veins. This week, we’ve got it.

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Every so often, TV likes to follow around a star that they suspect is a bit weird. Louis Theroux used to be the man for the job, but sadly, he’s gone all serious on us and decided to make powerful films about crime and horrible stuff.

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Hurray! The weekend is here! We can drink beer and have a lie-in! Unless, of course, you have children. In which case, your weekend will invariably focus on CBeebies and picking plasticine from the shagpile.

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For those of you who haven’t been watching Eastenders (BBC Three, Thursday, 8 July, 10pm), you’re right in thinking that it has been unrelentingly miserable. However, it has been miserable AND gripping!

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Before I even start with the preview of this show called The Private Life of Cows (BBC Two, Wednesday, 7 July, 8pm), I’ll point out that, at the same time of broadcast, there’s a World Cup semi-final on BBC One. That means, no-one is going to be watching this.

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After a few days off, the football is back from today, meaning that the listings are a bit borked. Not to worry though! There’s still some cool stuff on that’s worth watching! Like what? Well, as ever, click over the jump and find out. Have a wonderful weekend you ‘orrible lot.

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The grimly fascinating Anna Richardson is back (I blame those oddly uniform teeth she’s got) on our boxes next week with The Sex Education Show: Am I Normal? (Channel 4, Monday, 5 July, 9pm) to point at pictures of willies, front-bums and occasionally lower her voice for a serious point.

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Ooooh! The telly hasn’t slapped a fat-arse and replayed the wobble back in super slow-motion for a while now. So thank the stars for Big Meets Bigger (BBC Three, Thursday, 1 July, 9pm) which is more than happy to flop out the Fat Porn.

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The Great Fire of London. That was bad wasn’t it? Especially if you lived in London at the time. Especially if you could hear the rest of the country sniggering at you. If you’re still alive and remember it all, then well done you. You freak.

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