MONDAY

BEST: Britain and Ireland’s Next Model, Living TV, 9pm

According to Ambassador of England, and definitely Australian person Elle McPherson, the new direction of the latest series of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model will be “Uniquely British, the sense of humour and the styling is very British… more hybrid backgrounds… and I think that is really examplatory (this isn’t a real word) of what’s going on in the UK today”.

Right. So, last week on BINM, a woman cried because she couldn’t go to a party, with the opening chords of Hometown Glory in the background. Another woman cried because a fellow model gave her some Swarovski crystals that perfectly complemented her tracksuit. Somebody else cried because they thought they looked a bit like a wet dog. And in a shock twist, Sophie Ellis Bextor revealed that she is the Official Representative for all Mothers with Cool Tattoos. Amazing. Tune in on Monday for the next instalment, and bring every shallow bone in your body.

WORST: Show me the Funny, ITV 9pm

Why are people still employing Jason Manford? For those of you who haven’t tuned in to the latest reality experiment from ITV then, well, nice one. ITV’s blind insistence on Cowellizing every single medium of entertainment has reached a hideous depth with this one, as 10 potential stand-up comics strive to win ten grand, their own stand-up DVD, and a nationwide tour.

One of the judges Alan Davies theorizes early on in the first episode that ‘You can’t become a stand-up comic overnight, you have to work at it.’ But apparently, you can in six weeks. The selection of comedians are barely as sharp as Ant and Dec’s joke writing team, and it really doesn’t help that the entire premise of the show is a terrible idea either.

ITV’s resilient desire to caress the mainstream of the viewing public is just one thing that stand-up comedy should not have to be catered for. 90s observational comics all iron their shirts now. Not that waving your arms in the air yelling ‘Do you know what I’m talking about’ after every single sentence isn’t worthy of winning ten grand, obviously. In essence, the show will melt your prefrontal cortex, and nobody will care once they do find the new Matt Cardle of stand-up comedy. It’s a Mcin-tyring process.  

TUESDAY

Best: Twenty Twelve, BBC2, 10pm

For anyone who didn’t catch this when it first came around on BBC4, this is a mockumentary focusing on the run-up to the London Olympics 2012 written by John Morton, now happily running on BBC2. The stronghold of comic talent including Jessica Hynes (neé Daisy from Spaced), Olivia Coleman and Hugh Bonneville is subtly clever, with accurate depictions of dismissive media types. It’s apparently been accused of ripping off an Australian mockumentary called The Games, but in all honesty, and sincerity – who gives a toss.

Worst: Murder She Wrote Marathon, Alibi 9am

So, it’s Tuesday afternoon, you’re having another a trialing day at work. Whatever line of work you do. That police report has gone missing. Henrietta, the sickest hen in the surgery has tragically gone into a coma. That gentleman did get food poisoning from that unruly McNugget after all. Let’s face it, the only face that you can bear to look in the face right now is the calm, creased folds of Angela Lansbury. Eleven times. Yes, that’s right. It’s the Murder She Wrote marathon on Alibi. That’s 9am down to 7pm, red-headed, crime solving mayhem for half of your entire day.

Today, on Murder She Wrote, an ACTUAL WITCH LITERALLY PUTS A CURSE ON A TOWN, A PRIMA BALLERINA IS ALSO CURSED, MORE WITCHES, SOME BUSINESS GUY GETS MURDERED, ANGELA LANSBURY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD, SUSPICIONS ARE ‘AROUSED’ and much, much more. This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. Although, if you miss it – you can catch it again on Alibi the day after. And the day after that. So remember, next time you’re having a hard time of it in the office, think of that poor TV controller dude down at Alibi HQ, all alone, brushing up webs.

WEDNESDAY

Best: There is literally nothing on.

On Wednesday, the floor is open. If you’re a football fan, then it’s England vs. The Netherlands on ITV1 in what may turn out to be a seemingly important match in regards to the World Cup which we of course always win. Alternatively, if you’re not in a boisterous, chest baring, salivating, sexually incapacitated kind of mood, you can always tune in to Dot from Eastenders looking through her family tree on BBC1′ s Who Do You Think You Are, which is guaranteed to be a mildly pleasant watch. Essentially, today is the day that you must step out and talk to three dimensional family members and friends. Either that, or Rocky’s on ITV4 at 10pm.

Worst: Chick Fix, Sky Living 8pm.

We’re not angry. Just disappointed. When the trailer first surfaced for Chick Fix, a new BONDING reality tv series, the trailer consisted of crying middle aged women talking to other crying women about how disgusted they were with their hollow lives. As you can imagine, it looked absolutely fantastic. On closer inspection, however, a spanner was thrown in the works when it turned out the show is in fact categorically very,very awful.

The programme consists of four women who all have a different ailment, which they helpfully hold up on felt tip pen splattered bits of cardboard at the start of the show (A show in which it’s main premise, is to NOT look like a failure and pathetic, remember.) These sort of foibles range from “My husband only trims his nasal hair on a bi-weekly basis” to “I’m fat because I ate too much cake” to “I’m a massive slag, and I can’t stop being a massive slag.”

The show then proceeds to lock these four misanthropes in a country cottage together, where they get together, giving each other makeovers, and having free food to take their minds off their incredibly pointless existences. In one segment, one particularly slutty old woman buried a Superman belt in a garden to cleanse her of her past of sleeping with teenagers. Absolutely no paraphrasing. Truth man, truth.

THURSDAY

Best: The Killing vs. Torchwood showdown, BBC1/Channel 4, 9pm

This really is a judgement call, but if you really want to give off the impression that you are an actual human being, you will not be watching Croc Man on Channel 5 tongiht. You will be watching either a gritty crime drama, or a gritty (okay, grey area) sci-fi drama tonight instead. The Killing is mid-way through it’s 13 episode run now, so if you haven’t seen it, then you are best watching the Danish original from the start instead. Nonetheless, this American remake is a strong counteract. If you’re following through with it, you don’t need us to tell you to watch it at this point. Same goes for Torchwood: Miracle Day, which has been enchanting Whovians (Oh, don’t hate us, we’re naïve) to much stronger capacities this series, and is giving the BBC a valuable use of their endless John Barrowman quota. Happy choosing.

Worst: Peter Andre, Here 2 Help, ITV2, 9pm

Well, you know what they say. If you can’t make a decision that everybody is happy with – choose neither. That little girl who had to choose between her own father and McCains oven chips had to find out the hard way. And now, so do you. Since their divorce, Peter Andre and Katie Price have been bleeding ITV2 dry in a number of embarrassing and ultimately discerning ways.

Katie Price has been airing her hired collection of men in brand new loved up incarnations of the same documentary, whereas Peter Andre has decided to HELP PEOPLE. For example, earlier on this year he launched a Literacy Project with Boris Johnson. Now, he’s bringing out the big guns with his own ITV2 series about how good damn helpful he is. In the press release, the premise appears to be:

“Members of the public can contact Peter and the production team with whatever they would like help with, whether it be a teenager who can’t get on the dating ladder or a single parent struggling to cope. “

So basically, if you want Peter Andre to have sex with you, he will. Actually, he probably will either way. It’s been a slow summer.

FRIDAY

Best: Practical Magic, ITV1, 10.35pm

Yes, you’re fucking right it is. Practical Magic is categorically and unequivocally the greatest film in the world. It really is the Citizen Kane of Sandra Bullock supernatural movies. Everyone says it. Roger Ebert has a poster of it on his bathroom door. Let’s face it. You COULD learn about how Hip Hop Changed the World on C4 which is being aired at the same time, but you won’t. Because you don’t care about what Jessie J feels about grime. You care about what Nicole Kidman is going to do about her troublesome boyfriend. Yeah y’are. Midnight Margheritas with Diane Wiest, anyone?

Worst: Paul McCartney and Wings: Band on the Run, ITV4, 9pm

With Dermot O Leary. Oh.