Next Week’s TV preview: A round up of the best and worst of what you should be paying attention to next weekyou do

MONDAY

BEST: Britain and Ireland’s Next Model, Living TV, 9pm

According to Ambassador of England, and definitely Australian person Elle McPherson, the new direction of the latest series of Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model will be “Uniquely British, the sense of humour and the styling is very British… more hybrid backgrounds… and I think that is really examplatory (this isn’t a real word) of what’s going on in the UK today”.

Right. So, last week on BINM, a woman cried because she couldn’t go to a party, with the opening chords of Hometown Glory in the background. Another woman cried because a fellow model gave her some Swarovski crystals that perfectly complemented her tracksuit. Somebody else cried because they thought they looked a bit like a wet dog. And in a shock twist, Sophie Ellis Bextor revealed that she is the Official Representative for all Mothers with Cool Tattoos. Amazing. Tune in on Monday for the next instalment, and bring every shallow bone in your body.

WORST: Show me the Funny, ITV 9pm

Why are people still employing Jason Manford? For those of you who haven’t tuned in to the latest reality experiment from ITV then, well, nice one. ITV’s blind insistence on Cowellizing every single medium of entertainment has reached a hideous depth with this one, as 10 potential stand-up comics strive to win ten grand, their own stand-up DVD, and a nationwide tour.

One of the judges Alan Davies theorizes early on in the first episode that ‘You can’t become a stand-up comic overnight, you have to work at it.’ But apparently, you can in six weeks. The selection of comedians are barely as sharp as Ant and Dec’s joke writing team, and it really doesn’t help that the entire premise of the show is a terrible idea either.

ITV’s resilient desire to caress the mainstream of the viewing public is just one thing that stand-up comedy should not have to be catered for. 90s observational comics all iron their shirts now. Not that waving your arms in the air yelling ‘Do you know what I’m talking about’ after every single sentence isn’t worthy of winning ten grand, obviously. In essence, the show will melt your prefrontal cortex, and nobody will care once they do find the new Matt Cardle of stand-up comedy. It’s a Mcin-tyring process.  

TUESDAY

Best: Twenty Twelve, BBC2, 10pm

For anyone who didn’t catch this when it first came around on BBC4, this is a mockumentary focusing on the run-up to the London Olympics 2012 written by John Morton, now happily running on BBC2. The stronghold of comic talent including Jessica Hynes (neé Daisy from Spaced), Olivia Coleman and Hugh Bonneville is subtly clever, with accurate depictions of dismissive media types. It’s apparently been accused of ripping off an Australian mockumentary called The Games, but in all honesty, and sincerity – who gives a toss.

Worst: Murder She Wrote Marathon, Alibi 9am

So, it’s Tuesday afternoon, you’re having another a trialing day at work. Whatever line of work you do. That police report has gone missing. Henrietta, the sickest hen in the surgery has tragically gone into a coma. That gentleman did get food poisoning from that unruly McNugget after all. Let’s face it, the only face that you can bear to look in the face right now is the calm, creased folds of Angela Lansbury. Eleven times. Yes, that’s right. It’s the Murder She Wrote marathon on Alibi. That’s 9am down to 7pm, red-headed, crime solving mayhem for half of your entire day.

Today, on Murder She Wrote, an ACTUAL WITCH LITERALLY PUTS A CURSE ON A TOWN, A PRIMA BALLERINA IS ALSO CURSED, MORE WITCHES, SOME BUSINESS GUY GETS MURDERED, ANGELA LANSBURY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD, SUSPICIONS ARE ‘AROUSED’ and much, much more. This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. Although, if you miss it – you can catch it again on Alibi the day after. And the day after that. So remember, next time you’re having a hard time of it in the office, think of that poor TV controller dude down at Alibi HQ, all alone, brushing up webs.

WEDNESDAY

Best: There is literally nothing on.

On Wednesday, the floor is open. If you’re a football fan, then it’s England vs. The Netherlands on ITV1 in what may turn out to be a seemingly important match in regards to the World Cup which we of course always win. Alternatively, if you’re not in a boisterous, chest baring, salivating, sexually incapacitated kind of mood, you can always tune in to Dot from Eastenders looking through her family tree on BBC1′ s Who Do You Think You Are, which is guaranteed to be a mildly pleasant watch. Essentially, today is the day that you must step out and talk to three dimensional family members and friends. Either that, or Rocky’s on ITV4 at 10pm.

Worst: Chick Fix, Sky Living 8pm. We’re not angry. Just disappointed. When the trailer first surfaced for Chick Fix, a new BONDING reality tv series, the trailer consisted of crying middle aged women talking to other crying women about how disgusted they were with their hollow lives. As you can imagine, it looked absolutely fantastic. On closer inspection, however, a spanner was thrown in the works when it turned out the show is in fact categorically very,very awful.

The programme consists of four women who all have a different ailment, which they helpfully hold up on felt tip pen splattered bits of cardboard at the start of the show (A show in which it’s main premise, is to NOT look like a failure and pathetic, remember.) These sort of foibles range from “My husband only trims his nasal hair on a bi-weekly basis” to “I’m fat because I ate too much cake” to “I’m a massive slag, and I can’t stop being a massive slag.”

The show then proceeds to lock these four misanthropes in a country cottage together, where they get together, giving each other makeovers, and having free food to take their minds off their incredibly pointless existences. In one segment, one particularly slutty old woman buried a Superman belt in a garden to cleanse her of her past of sleeping with teenagers. Absolutely no paraphrasing. Truth man, truth.

THURSDAY

Best: The Killing vs. Torchwood showdown, BBC1/Channel 4, 9pm

This really is a judgement call, but if you really want to give off the impression that you are an actual human being, you will not be watching Croc Man on Channel 5 tongiht. You will be watching either a gritty crime drama, or a gritty (okay, grey area) sci-fi drama tonight instead. The Killing is mid-way through it’s 13 episode run now, so if you haven’t seen it, then you are best watching the Danish original from the start instead. Nonetheless, this American remake is a strong counteract. If you’re following through with it, you don’t need us to tell you to watch it at this point. Same goes for Torchwood: Miracle Day, which has been enchanting Whovians (Oh, don’t hate us, we’re naïve) to much stronger capacities this series, and is giving the BBC a valuable use of their endless John Barrowman quota. Happy choosing.

Worst: Peter Andre, Here 2 Help, ITV2, 9pm

Well, you know what they say. If you can’t make a decision that everybody is happy with – choose neither. That little girl who had to choose between her own father and McCains oven chips had to find out the hard way. And now, so do you. Since their divorce, Peter Andre and Katie Price have been bleeding ITV2 dry in a number of embarrassing and ultimately discerning ways.

Katie Price has been airing her hired collection of men in brand new loved up incarnations of the same documentary, whereas Peter Andre has decided to HELP PEOPLE. For example, earlier on this year he launched a Literacy Project with Boris Johnson. Now, he’s bringing out the big guns with his own ITV2 series about how good damn helpful he is. In the press release, the premise appears to be:

“Members of the public can contact Peter and the production team with whatever they would like help with, whether it be a teenager who can’t get on the dating ladder or a single parent struggling to cope. “

So basically, if you want Peter Andre to have sex with you, he will. Actually, he probably will either way. It’s been a slow summer.

FRIDAY

Best: Practical Magic, ITV1, 10.35pm

Yes, you’re fucking right it is. Practical Magic is categorically and unequivocally the greatest film in the world. It really is the Citizen Kane of Sandra Bullock supernatural movies. Everyone says it. Roger Ebert has a poster of it on his bathroom door. Let’s face it. You COULD learn about how Hip Hop Changed the World on C4 which is being aired at the same time, but you won’t. Because you don’t care about what Jessie J feels about grime. You care about what Nicole Kidman is going to do about her troublesome boyfriend. Yeah y’are. Midnight Margheritas with Diane Wiest, anyone?

Worst: Paul McCartney and Wings: Band on the Run, ITV4, 9pm

With Dermot O Leary. Oh.

Preview: Torchwood, Miracle Day, BBC1, 9pm

New series. Death has become a thing of the past. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, people no longer die – despite getting sick and injured – leading to a population boom across the world.

As experts predict it will be only four months before the ageing human race will no longer be able to cope, CIA agent Rex Matheson investigates the phenomenon – and finds himself drawn into the world of a top-secret British institute known only as Torchwood.

John Barrowman and Eve Myles return for season four of the sci-fi thriller, with Mekhi Phifer (ER) and Bill Pullman (Independence Day).

BBC1, Thursday July 14th, 9pm .

You can see interview with John Barrowman about the making of the new series below:

And you can see a preview here:

Must Watch TV: Glastonbury 2011

Haven’t been able to get tickets for this year’s Glastonbury? Or just don’t fancy all that mud? It’s not quite the same but you can always watch it on the box, courtesy of BBC – the corporation must have all of its staff there pretty much this year.

Coverage of the festival at Worthy Farm in Somerset includes U2 on the Pyramid Stage. Unbelievably it’s the first Glastonbury performance of the band’s career. Presented by Jo Whiley, Lauren Laverne, Zane Lowe and Mark Radcliffe. Coverage continues on BBC4.

You can see pictures of people wallowing in the mud at this year’s Glasto below.

Fri 24 Jun, BBC2, 9.45pm

 

Must watch: Lead Balloon, BBC 2, June 7th, 10pm

There have been very few decent British sitcoms on TV recently. Not Going Out featuring Lee Mack and Tim Vine is one (the fifth series due to air later this year is currently being written). Lead Balloon, written by Jack Dee and Peter Sinclair, is another.

Now in its fourth series, the show revolves around the character of Rick Spleen, a misanthropic comedian, not unlike the Jack Dee we are used to from stand-up performances. Once a kind of ‘household name’ thanks to appearances on TV, fame-obsessed Rick has since faced a series of career set backs and now scrapes by doing comedy turns at business awards ceremonies as his wife becomes increasingly successful running her talent agency.

In last week’s slightly cringing, but nevertheless funny, episode (the first of the new series), Rick was seen wrestling a pig which he bought to make himself seem more interesting to a Times journalist who had come to the house to interview his wife. Not as if Rick could accept the fact that she wasn’t at all interested in his career or the novel he was trying to write.

In tonight’s episode, Dead, he becomes the latest presenter on The Bargain Channel, a job that finally meets approval from his cleaner Magda, who is one of the station’s biggest fans. But his latest attempt at achieving fame fails to impress Marty or Michael. Meanwhile, Sam and her boyfriend Ben claim to be looking for gainful employment – despite never actually leaving the sofa.

Coronation Street spoiler: Fiz is arrested. Monday 6 June, 7.30/8.30pm

7.30pm: The police inform Fiz they are going to exhume Joy Fishwick’s body and investigate her death now they know someone claimed Colin’s inheritance. Tracy is quick to comfort Steve as he clears up the trail of destruction left by Becky, while aunts Upma and Grishma return to haunt Sunita. Graeme battles with his emotions when Xin prepares to leave the Street.
8.30pm: Fiz confesses everything she knows as she is quizzed by the police, and takes them to the spot where John dumped Colin’s body. Steve faces an ultimatum when he begs Becky for forgiveness, while Dev and Sunita struggle to keep up their facade in front of the aunts. Elsewhere, Lloyd and Cheryl set up home together.

The Eurovision song contest 2011: What to expect

Get ready for crazy outfits, camp songs and sobs of “we were robbed”. Add in a drinking game or two for whenever you hear England getting “nil points” and you’ve pretty much set the tone for tomorrow’s Eurovision song contest.

We still miss Terry Wogan, who was famed for his sarcy little comments when certain countries predictably gave others the top marks – most notably Cyprus to Greece and Greece to Cyprus – and that political dig when the UK got nothing, but we’re happy enough to settle for old Graham Norton.

However, what else can we expect from tomorrow’s Eurovision? As much as we’d like to, we can’t ignore the fact that the Grimes twins better known as Jedward, will be singing for Ireland, but what many of you won’t know is that they are due to sing sixth in the Eurovision line-up. This means that if you’re switching on to see them, you’ll have to watch from around 8:30. You’ll also have to set your V or Sky Plus boxes so you don’t miss the good old Britain’s Got Talent on ITV.

Of course we’ll be sending out revamped boyband Blue to fight for our UK corner. The reformed band will join acts from Estonia, Romania, Moldova, Ireland, Bosnia, Denmark, Austria, Ukraine, Slovenia and Sweden all of which will get higher results than us in the televoting part of the show.

Also worth taking notice of is last year’s winner Lena who once again fights for Germany with the song “Taken by a Stranger”. We’ve got our shot glasses ready for everytime we see a bad act, meaning we probably won’t remember anything past Jedward.

Catch the contest tomorrow from 8pm on BBC One.

 

Don’t miss! Eurovision Song Contest 2011 semi-finals, starring Jedward!

Those lovable Jedward boys are representing Ireland in Eurovision. Let’s hope they are in tune.

Settle down for a bit of kitsch entertainment as Sara Cox and Scott Mills present the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest from the Esprit Arena in Dusseldorf, Germany.

Former X-Factor hopefuls Jedward will be flying the flag for Ireland, while 1998 winner Dana International will once again represent Israel – but they could both be upstaged by Estonia’s Getter Jaani, who many experts have tipped as a potential winner of this year’s competition.

Danish rock outfit A Friend in London and Swedish pin-up Eric Saade are also among the favourites to qualify for Saturday’s final, as is Bosnian singer Dino Merlin – a man whose many achievements include writing the lyrics for his country’s former national anthem. UK representatives Blue will offer their thoughts on the competition so far, and there will also be interviews with some of the acts that qualified from Tuesday’s semi-final. UK viewers cannot vote in tonight’s semi-final.

Eurovision Song Contest Semi Finals, May 12, BBC3, 8pm

What To Watch This Weekend: The X Factor, Celebrity Come Dine With Me

Snow – there to make your free time awkward, eh? We’ve all been slipping on our arses in this stupid snow and watching the tips of our fingers blacken thanks to frostbite. Honestly, it’s like being sat in that camp up Mount Everest where all those cadavers are piled up. But, at least we’ve got televisions to watch and biscuits to dunk in our brews. We can’t help with the latter, but the former, certainly! Let us see what the listings have to offer.

Tonight: Match of the Day Live, BBC Two, 7.30pm

A rare treat! Live football on a Friday night to settle in with! Of course, it doesn’t matter whether you support either team… THERE’S SOME FOOTY ON! Anyway, Queens Park Rangers are playing Watford at Loftus Road (kick-off 7.45). QPR have been playing some wonderful of late and this could be a chance to see them before potentially getting promoted into the Premier League. Presented by Gabby Logan.

Tonight: Still Folk Dancing After All These Years, BBC Four, 9pm

If you hate football and are more of a real aler, then tune into BBC Four to see Northumbrian singers and clog dancers Rachel and Becky Unthank celebrating folk dancing in this very enjoyable documentary. We’ll meet Morris Men, go to the Golowan midsummer festival in Penzance and basically, get a lot of cheer and booze with interests most English. Lovely stuff.

Tomorrow: The X Factor, ITV1, 7pm

It’s the final of the biggest show on TV this year. Gone are the auditions, boot camps and accusations of being a fix… now we get to see a double bill which will decide which of the four acts will win. Each are joined by a celebrity guest on stage – Rihanna is with Matt, Christina Aguilera supports Rebecca, Robbie Williams performs alongside One Direction and Will.i.am duets with Cher. Dermot O’Leary presents and it concludes Sunday at 7.30pm.

Tomorrow: Take Me Out, ITV1, 9pm

One of the worst shows ever aired on television – and thereby, a cult camp favourite – is back. Idiot men are paraded in front of equally unlikeable women in a 2010 of a farmer’s market. The animal husbandry is all overseen by foghorn Paddy McGuinness who is about as subtle as being hit in the teeth with a brick.

Sunday: Celebrity Come Dine with Me Christmas Special, Channel 4, 8pm

This is a repeat, but lets be honest, everyone is going to be watching The X Factor. Still, worth catching again if you haven’t seen it. Former EastEnders actress Hannah Waterman joins  music div David Gest, TV gardener Diarmuid Gavin and Loose Women harridan Sherrie Hewson for food. They’re all, in their own way, idiots.

Sunday: Live Snooker: UK Championship, BBC Two, 8pm

Hazel Irvine hosts coverage of the final session of the snooker final! Analysis comes from Steve Davis and John Parrott, and commentary by Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne, Ken Doherty and John Virgo. There’s nothing like a snooker final on a Sunday night is there?

What To Watch This Weekend: Modern Family, Slumdog Millionaire

The weekend is almost here and with half the country snowed in, its the perfect weather to stay curled up in front of the TV with some mulled wine and maybe a minced pie or two. So keep warm and get ready to veg out in front of the television with our top picks on what to watch this weekend.

Tonight:  Modern Family, Sky 2, 8pm If you haven’t seen Modern Family yet, frankly you’re missing out. The American mockumentary style comedy, follows the families of Jay Pritchett, his daughter Claire Dunphy, and his son Mitchell Pritchett who live in a Los Angeles-area suburban community. Claire is a homemaker, who has three children with her husband Phil Dunphy.  Jay, after splitting with his longtime wife, has re-married with a much younger Colombian woman, Gloria, and is helping her raise her pre-teen son, Manny, and Mitchell lives with his partner Cameron and together they have adopted a Vietnamese baby, Lily. This week the families prepare to woo their significant others on Valentine’s Day.

Tonight: Primeval, BBC 1, 11:30pm Looking for something to watch when you get in from the pub tonight? Check out the TV premier of Primeval. The movie tells the story of two American reporters and a cameraman who travel to Africa in search of a near-mythical giant crocodile that has savaged hundreds to death. However, they not only have a battle surviving the man-eating predator, but also end up in the throes of a long-standing civil war where a local warlord does not take kindly to intruders on his territory.

Tomorrow: Life, BBC 4, 7pm The latest documentary series narrated by David Attenborough is definitely not one to miss. This episode will focus on plants and will look at the strategies adopted by plants that allow them to grow in every possible environment.  Featuring the dragon’s blood tree, which survives in the desert by converting moisture found in the mist and shading its own roots, the carnivorous Venus flytrap that has evolved into an extraordinary predator able to digest insects, and the cat’s claw creeper, which uses other plants as a ladder to reach sunlight.

Tomorrow: Slumdog Millionaire, Channel 4, 9:25pm Catch Danny Boyle’s Oscar-winning drama about an uneducated teenager from the Mumbai slums is only one question away from winning India’s Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Definitely one to watch if you haven’t already seen it. Sunday: Fred Clause, Channel 4, 5:25pm Feeling festive then check out Fred Clause. This movie tells the story of Santa’s selfish brother Fred who was ostracized by the family for years, until his crooked ways land him in jail, and his brother comes along to bail him out, but on one condition – he must return to the family business and help make toys for Christmas. Sunday: Apollo 13, ITV 2, 5:15pm Escape with the fact-based drama about the ill-fated 1970 Apollo 13 mission to the moon. Crew leader Jim Lovell is faced with a nightmare when the routine mission suffers an on-board explosion – leaving the team stranded in space with a dwindling oxygen supply while flight controllers and engineers in Houston try to find a way to bring the crew safely back to Earth.

What To Watch This Weekend: The X Factor, The Cube: Celebrity Special

The weekend is upon us and, if you’ve been subjected to all manner of wacky nonsense because of Children In Need in the office, then you’ll be thrilled to be able to get away from it all and put your feet up at home where there is no-one haranguing you to give money to charity. Oh… wait a minute…

You fled work to get away from being chugged at your desk, only to find that your television set is now chugging you as well. How depressing. Still, you can swear as much as you like at your TV screen without fear of reprisal. And tonight, Children In Need brings us newsreaders doing daft stuff as usual as well as hours of light entertainment hosted by Terry Wogan and Tess Daly.There’s a peek at the Doctor Who Christmas episode and contributions from Corrie and Eastenders, as well as singing from Take That and JLS.

Tonight: Live International Rugby Union, BBC Two, 7pm

If charity based fun isn’t your thing, then why not flip the channel to Wales v Fiji. Yep, rugger is on tonight where bearded men with huge stomachs charge into each other until they either bleed or score a try. Kick-off 7.30pm and presented by John Inverdale, with commentary from Jonathan Davies and Alastair Eykyn.

Tomorrow: The X Factor, ITV1, 8pm

The best and most engrossing soap opera on television will return on the unfathomable and continued existence of Katie Waissel. We’re down to the final eight of Katie, Matt, Paije, Rebecca, Cher, One Direction, Mary and Wagner and, *rubs hands* they’ll be destroying the back catalogue of The Beatles, which will irritate loads of you no end. Hahaha!

Tomorrow: American Dream, BBC Two, 8:20pm

With a collection of ace homemade clips, we look toward the weird paranoid world of postwar America. We see first hand what the American Dream meant to Americans via a Tupperware saleswoman and the boyfriend of novelist Christopher Isherwood. This, sneakily, could be the best thing on the box all weekend. Catch up on iPlayer if you can’t drag yourself away from The X Factor.

Sunday: The Cube: Celebrity Special, ITV1, 7pm

The daftest gameshow on the box goes celebrity this weekend with double Olympic gold medallist Kelly Holmes and Jenni Falconer competing inside a perspex case which looks like it has come from the future. Throwaway fun to digest while waiting for The X Factor results show.

Sunday: JFK: The Making of Modern Politics, BBC Two, 9pm

JFK still has a special place in just about everyone’s heart and Andrew Marr looks back at his 1960 campaign to get in the White House and just how it ushered in a new style of politics. We’ll also get to look back at the first-ever televised debate, where a relaxed, handsome JFK made Richard Nixon look like a sweaty creep.