Tom Pellereau - Apprentice winner

The Apprentice came to a close last night, with Tom Pellereau as this year’s winner. Apparently, the bookies’ favourite – despite the whole premise of his business idea being, effectively, a chair. Sorry, our mistake. A magic chair. Suffice to say, the Alan Sugar approved piece of furniture did not make our Top 10. But here are the moments from this year that did.

10. Susan’s Theme Tune

On the final of You’re Fired last night, we learned that Alan Sugar was hoping to combine Susan and Tom to make the ultimate nail-file creating team of ALL TIME, which after 10 weeks of stress and hard work is almost as commendable as the time The X-Factor spent three months of heartbreak and Katie Waissel haircuts to discover a Biffy Clyro cover with a key change. Nonetheless, it looks like Susan may come out of this year’s series as much of a winner as Tom is. Yes, Alan has vetoed ‘The Chair’. But the best thing that Susan contributed to the season was not her delightful skincare range. It was those glorious moments, when the ever-inappropriate music choices smattered over the programme decided to target Susan, with Laurel & Hardy-esque dumb music every time she opened her mouth, virtually creating her own theme tune – the musical equivalent of a cut to a disgruntled Nick nostril flare.

9. Jim Eastwood; Umbrella Seller

Now, we like an umbrella as much as the next man who wants an umbrella. Umbrellas are fine. But to Jim – umbrellas are like blocks of shimmering gold – under the cruel guise of – an umbrella. In Week 10, the Candidates were given the task of selling as much Warehouse stock as possible, along with this came the shocking revelation that not only do people still lovingly build nodding dogs, but people are willing to be seen on television buying them. Come on kids, we have batteries these days. But the real moment of wonder came from Jim, relentlessly prodding and molesting people on the street with his giant umbrellas with such pitches as “”You can walk with real purpose with an umbrella… and point out landmarks. Look! Big Ben!” and offering one gentleman an umbrella as ‘an extra thing to carry’. Even Nick was blushing at the foreboding charm of Jim by the end of it, almost inspiring us to write some Jim/Nick fan fiction. Stay away from Google for a few weeks, just in case.

8. The Bourbon of the Opera: The tragedy of Tom & Melodie’s Oscar Snub

During Week 9′s biscuit challenge, Tom and Melodie took it upon themselves to pitch their biscuit to potential buyers in a slightly different way, putting on the most horrific piece of amateur dramatics the world is ever likely to see. ‘You and me, lovers’ Tom wistfully murmured to himself, as the pair gallantly went to any length necessary to distribute their ‘Bixmix’ product. ‘I’ve been craving Bixmix all day’, Melodie simpered in the manner of a young Audrey Hepburn. ‘Where were these made? In HEAVEN?’ she continued, clutching fiercely at her plain bit of digestive. Maybe they should have acted out Death of a Salesman instead. (Sorry.)

7. Give me some sugar

As we know, Apprentice is usually contructed from 20% business, 10% animal magnetism, and 70% cringe. In the Apprentice final last night, there was no moment more horrific than in one last tryst with the Lord, Jim accidentally dropping Alan’s (It’s okay, we’re on first name terms ourselves) personal title, and simply addressing his majesty as ‘Sugar’ for the briefest moment. Amazing.

6. Glenn absolutely does not see the light

In Week 5, the teams were recruited to create two new brands of pet food. Team Venture was headed by Del Boy Wonder Glenn, with one of the most questionable brand names of the entire series, with ‘Cat-Size’, designed as a diet cat food – of course. But perhaps the greatest part of the creation, was Glenn’s subtitle for the project – which after decades of explanation turned out to be ‘See their light’. You know. Because of cat’s eyes. On a road. But what’s that got to do with a low fat catfood product? Well, you poor deprived individuals – it is of course because that slogan sounds a bit like the sentence ‘See? They’re light!’ You know! Like light cats! As in not heavy! You know, like a homonym! What were we talking about again? How the hell were we possibly talking about cats? Don’t be stupid.

5. Helen’s Run

As Alan Sugar said himself, if this series had been like any other – Helen would have ‘walked it’. That’s business talk for something or other, we believe. As we saw, Tom may have succeeded due to being the right candidate for a business loan, but Helen was the one who created a new world record securing 9 straight wins in a row. Always impeccably dressed, and wonderfully demure and sweet – Helen was many people’s true winner of the series, even if we’d only rate her ‘Fish swims into something, and says ‘Oh Damn” joke a 4/10. It’s all about comic timing, Helen.

4. “NO TREATS”

In Week 10, Jim’s crazed Umbrella enthusiasm was not enough to impress Sugar, as Team Venture limped to a victory that Alan cited as ‘hollow’, due to their failure to re-invest any of their stock, hence destroying the whole point of the task effectively. The prize was intended to be a helicopter trip to Goodwood to drive some vintage cars, but his Lordship (We just don’t know what to call him anymore) decided that this fate was ill-deserved, and sent the team back to the house with NO PRIZES, no hot milk before bed, and the most depressing of all – no cuddles. Okay, maybe one.

3. Susan vs The French

Possibly one of the main stand-out moments this series, even Susan fans could not deny that her dramatic monologue describing the French was nothing short of incredibly stupid. The edit hardly required Susan’s token music, or indeed Karen’s discerning looks – the words spoke for themselves. So here they are. In iambic pentameter. (Not really.)

Are the French very fond of their children?
Do a lot of people drive in France?
Do the French go camping?
Are the French eco-friendly?
I honestly know nothing about the French.

2. Vincent Dis-Blah.

From the moment the candidates names and profiles were released, one man had a tendency to stand out, Vincent Disneur. Part man, part George Lamb, part dinosaur. At least his last name was, anyway. Unfortunately, Vincent didn’t live up to the promise of being a massive wanker as perhaps some of us were hoping – but during the App-task, and some banter in the car with Jim and Leon (AKA: Orlando Bloom in a bad Orlando Bloom wig) - there stood a moment of brilliance, helped along by the editing.

Leon: There’s APP-roximately twelve hours to get this APP done.

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jim: Are we fast APP-roaching where we want to be?

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Leon: App-solutely!

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHHA!

Vincent: Could you have an app-le?

Everyone: *Desperately sad faces*

No Vincent, Best not. Best not.

1. What happens when you veto ‘Coffin Dodgers’

But the number one Apprentice moment this season was the momentous magazine task, where both teams managed to come up with ideas for products that would repel customers even though it was free. It is of course – Hip Replacement. The magazine that not only offends it’s target audience senior citizens, but the rest of mankind, and the whole concept of ‘punning’. An Apprentice classic.