Sweden
Wogan has money on this one, apparently, and the singer has won Eurovision for Sweden before. Good signs. Aaaaand the wind machine is back. In fact, it’s put to big use with enough chiffon to dress all of Girls Aloud three times over. The songs sounds like one of those dancy pop songs Cher released a few years ago. If Finland or Lithuania don’t pick up the award for being so hilarious, then this will walk it. There’s gold, there’s chiffon, there are flags being waved, and there’s a big dramatic key change. What more do we need?

Turkey
The Turkish singer has a Gwen Stefani hairdo a Madonna dress and sings about being a Superstar to a disco beat. Her corset is so tight she can’t seem to move her torso at all, so it’s a good thing she’s surrounded by British dancers (straight from the podiums and G.A.Y by the looks of things) to lift her up and generally ponce bout around her. It’s all very camp and quite good, actually. And when I say ‘good’ I mean I didn’t turn over to the other side to see Ant & Dec trying to get Prince Harry to speak…

Technorati Tag: Eurovision

Croatia
OH MY GOD. There is a woman in a red bridesmaids dress with the front missing doing Riverdance. It doesn’t get any better than this. This singer is big on audience participation, and just sang something that sounded freakily like "sex, sex, sex, sex." And she just ripped off even more of her dress. Bucks Fizz should have put a trademark on that move. What would Moldova have done then?

Ireland
Remember when Ireland used to win Eurovision all the time and they got so fed up of hosting it that they started entering rubbish songs on purpose? Well, they’re back on form this time. This is proper sentimental Eurovision mush ("every song is a cry for love" dontcha know). If only he’d started out on a stool and stood up during the key change. Then I would have sworn the song was hand-picked by Louis Walsh.

Technorati Tag: eurovision

Ukraine
Now those are some serious boots. Wogan said earlier it’s a big year for legs, and he’s right. This is yet another Shakira style warbler, with tamborines and a powerful, shouty song about showing your love. This lady has one up on the humble-breasted one, though. Shakira’s backing dancers never starting skipping halfway through a song. Neither did they wear almost identical outfits to the one my brother wore in a school production of Fiddler on the Roof. Kossak chic, it’s the new black!

France
I hate to be a bitch, but something tells me the Kate Winslet lookalike French songstress isn’t a natural blonde (eyebrows are the other recurring theme). This is your typical French fare – a girl in white, a bloke with a cello and a power ballad. I wonder if this would sound as off-key if I understood all the lyrics? I expect so. Still, kudos for the lack of wind machine…

Technorati Tag: eurovision

Greece
Big cheers for the home team. And it’s Shakira!!! Oh no, hold on, it’s Anastacia!!! No…it’s Tori Spelling!!!

Oh, who cares. Nobody’s going to beat Lithuania. The Greek song is dramatic, OTT and the wind machine is back. All classic Eurovision stuff. I’d like to see the electricity bill for this place after tonight…

Finland
You know what I just said about nobody beating Lithuania? I take it back. These Middle Earth rejects in the biggest platforms in the world could possibly take it. Everyone knows the Finland entry by now since the Ork-like lead singer with his wings and Dungeons and Dragons weaponry has been all over the ‘net for week. Rock! Hallelujah!!!! Roaarrrr!

I wonder how many times in one night I can use the phrase ‘only at Eurovision’?

Technorati Tag: eurovision

United Kingdom
Here he is. Daz and his jailbait Britneys. Now I didn’t watch the ‘song for England’ thing when the great British public chose this song (SHAME ON YOU) but if this is the best we could do, I think I might emigrate.

That said, Daz and his yellow jacket obviously really wants to win this, so let’s hope the rest of europe likes middle aged Mike Skinner wannabes and girls in striped blazers and knee-high white socks. They put on a good show, at least.

Technorati Tag: eurovision