Waffle, waffle, waffle, yadda, yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, blah. You’re sh** and I’m sick of listening to your pointless crap. You’re so boring that it’s like having my head filled with cement. It cannot hit the desk quick enough. You’re so boring, I just want to switch off and have an early night. The amount of vomit I want to bring up, every single time you speak, makes me think I’ll aim it toward you gaping, stupid mouth. I’ve had more interesting in things I’ve left in the end of condoms. You’re as pointless and frustrating as a failed w***. And do you know something else? I can decide whether I hate you or pity you. You’re a moron. I thought you were meant to be interesting but you’re actually of less use than lint in an arse-crack. Boo-hoo-hoo. Stop your crying… I though you were meant to be strong and bolshy you pathetic stain. I’ve come across more impressive toast-sweat! And this is what listening to the second half of Miss Naked Beauty (Channel 4, Tuesday, 4 November, 8pm) is like.

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For some weeks now, I haven’t missed an episode of DIY SOS (BBC One, Friday, 10 October, 8.30pm) thanks to a hole in the listings. I don’t like it, but I somehow keep tuning in. Now, because this show is so trivial, I can’t be bothered to check out its history and whatnot… so I’ll just have to dig up the dredges in my mind. I’m pretty sure that when this show started, it was just a run-of-the-mill ‘Do Your House Up’ programme, very much like Changing Rooms. However, over the years (the years I haven’t been watching it), something strange has happened in the shape of comedy sketches…

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I’m so irritable at the moment that it’s not funny. I’m snappy, argumentative, unamused and generally not a good person to be around. Apart from a brief, fleeting hour in last night’s listings which saw me beaming like a teary medal winner on the podium in Beijing. What slot was this? Why, if the headline didn’t give it away (which, in fairness, it really should’ve), it was the slot that aired How to Look Good Naked (Channel 4, Thursday, 28 August, 8pm)

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Kim and Aggie have been away from our screens for some time now and a while back, Channel 4 foolishly announced that the pair would be rationed and then culled with an air of ‘really, this sort of thing isn’t doing it for us anymore‘. Frankly, that’s ridiculous as this pair of riotous gigglers are just what Channel 4 need to shed a little light amongst the po-faced property shows and rubbish comedy. So last night, How Clean Is Your House? (Channel 4, Wednesday, 27 August, 8.30pm) sneaked back to our screen with a noticeable absence of fanfare.

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Rogue Restaurants (BBC One, Thursday, 7 August, 8.30pm) has had TVScoop readers in a bit of a tizz. Some have quite enjoyed it as throwaway fluff, whilst others have hollered “Pure sensationalism!”, “This is the worst kind of smug, patronising consumer show that has no place on the BBC, and would even get short shrift from Five in a perfect world.” Hardly fence-sitting comments. Naturally, I felt like I had to become an investigative journalist (this meant sitting on my couch in disguise, filming my telly with a hidden camera and watching back the footage in the back of a van… as opposed to simply watching it on iPlayer) and find out what this show was really like.

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I love Grand Designs. The people who think up these amazing projects are all mad, but it’s my kind of madness. Something I can relate to. They have a dream, and they’ll dig up half of England, pour thousands of tons of concrete, or mortgage their descendants for three hundred and fifty years to realise it. Or in the case of Dean Marks, whose dream for as long as he can remember was to live in a church, he’ll start working even before he legally owns the property.

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