Urgh! Sophie Dahl! She’s so bloody attractive! How dare she be attractive and purr next to all that food?! FOOD IS SERIOUS BUSINESS YOU KNOW? Not anyone can do it! Especially not attractive amateurs! GOD! And so spake one-dimensional jealous types who railed against The Delicious Miss Dahl.
Archive for the ‘Columns and Opinions’ Category
The Delicious Miss Dahl to be cancelled?
Tuesday, May 4th, 2010TV’s best people in politics!
Thursday, April 29th, 2010Seeing as we’re in silly season and everything has a political bent, it’s worth remembering and celebrating the fictional politicians that have graced our screens and made us laugh, wince and dry-heave as they’ve weaselled their way around the corridors of power and stabbed people in the back with a shit-eating grin on their face.
Sky show ITV how the Leaders Debate really should be done
Friday, April 23rd, 2010
Something unbelievable happened last night at the leaders debate. No, Gordon Brown didn’t actually offer Davey Boy Cameron outside for some fisticuffs… something more unlikely. Sky News made a brilliant programme. I know, astonishing isn’t it?
With The One Show sorted, who will replace Adrian Chiles on MOTD2?
Wednesday, April 21st, 2010
So, Adrian Chiles is off to ITV. We’ve heard all about it right? That Bloke From BBC Breakfast Who Was Also In The Dancing Programme is set to fill his boots, so that’s that (unless they give the job to Richard Hammond, which seems quite likely). Not quite. There’s the small matter of Match of the Day 2. Who is going to fill that void because, if we’re being honest, Chiles was perfect for that gig.
Britain’s Got Talent returns… with a whimper
Monday, April 19th, 2010
Britain’s Got Talent erupted onto our screens at the weekend, reminding everyone just how good Simon Cowell is at making Must-See TV. Like some dreadful Derren Brown trick, he casts a spell over everyone and we all tune in like dead-eyed droogs.
The Leader’s Debate: What was all that about then, ITV?
Friday, April 16th, 2010
So TV history took place last night. Well, British TV history at any rate, and while the primary thing I’ve learned is that ITV shouldn’t ever try and do anything like this ever again and stick to things like Take Me Out and Beat The Star, one thing is for certain – the whole of the nation seemed to be talking about politics for the first time in years.
The First Election Debate: Setting Twitter on fire
Thursday, April 15th, 2010
Tonight sees the first of three Live Election Debates (tonight’s is imaginatively titled ‘The First Election Debate’ and will be on ITV1 at 8.30pm) between the leaders of the three main parties. What’s going to be key is technology’s role in the whole thing as these shows, especially tonight’s debut bow, is set to spark huge outpourings on Twitter.
Why do people still watch Masterchef?
Wednesday, April 7th, 2010
When Masterchef returned to our screens all those years ago, revamped and brimming with liveliness, it was a real TV treat. The old version was a dank studio full of foodie idiots all patting each other on the back, breathlessly talking and being reverential over some bloody asparagus or something.
Pineapple Dance Studios – The New Come Dine With Me
Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
Every year, TV gets an unexpected hit on its hands. I like to think of this as The Come Dine With Me Effect. CDWM is a cheap, cruddy programme that’s both brilliant and horrible to watch. When you’re not laughing with the show (and most notably, Dave Lamb’s barbed voiceover), you tend to find yourself open-mouthed in astonishment.
University Challenge and the Guttenplan Answer Robot Boy
Tuesday, March 30th, 2010
I shouldn’t really be allowed to write flippant, throwaway articles about people on University Challenge (see The Trimble Affair which I accidentally kick-started last year) but I can’t help it. This time, my eye has spotted a scamp called Guttenplan.
In defence of BBC Three
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
I like picking on BBC Three. Granted, I like bullying ITV and Five more, but BBC Three is a nice easy target for someone like me (aka A sniping knucklehead). However, of late, I’ve started getting weary of BBC Three criticisms. It seems a bit old hat. It seems a bit too snobby. It seems that , BBC Three is the antithesis of everything good about the world. Of course, these days, ‘everything that’s great about the world’ effectively means 6 Music.
TV Review: Too Poor for Posh School, Channel 4, Thursday, 11 March, 9pm
Friday, March 12th, 2010
If you don’t like people ranting about private schools, then you’d better look away now as this review of Too Poor for Posh School (Channel 4, Thursday, 11 March, 9pm) will invariably contain wild, off-the-mark judgements about those who paid fees to get an education. Unless, of course, you’re like me and just loved to get riled up by complete strangers… which is what this TV show was a lesson in.
Lambing Live: Kate Humble stares up a ewe
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Live television does strange things to people. If you’re a presenter, it guarantees a certain urgency in your voice. While this immediacy is no doubt borne of nerves and the adreneline of live presenting, it does tend to imply a certain level of importance to what’s going on. As such, telethons and live sporting events are given gravitas… however, what happens when you’re presenting something that’s not especially dramatic?
Why do people watch Lost?
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
Watching Lost is like reading cryptic crossword clues when English is your second language. It’s a daft show that has people feverishly trying to work it all out despite the fact that such an activity is about as futile as trying to lick the back of your own neck. It’s pissing viewers as well, hitting a new low of 559,000 viewers on Sky1 on Friday night. It was beaten by a repeat of Doc Martin on ITV3.
Bullying? TV loves a bit of it
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
The news on television, for the most part, is a farce. It’s serves no function at all. It tells you about a man getting murdered, despite the fact that there’s a whole load of murders going on in any given day. However, if the angle is right then it gets run. How about a train crash somewhere in Europe? Again, little bearing on our lives but shown to us in gory, twisted metal detail. Now, it’s taking the higher ground on Gordon Brown’s alleged bullying.
The Brit Awards: TV and Social Networking in perfect harmony
Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
The Brit Awards (ITV1, Tuesday, 16 February, 8pm) are pretty pointless aren’t they? Not that I begrudge musicians for accepting awards of any kind… it’s like getting a gold star from a teacher. It doesn’t mean anything as such but no-one can resist praise, even when it’s as sycophantic as an showbusiness awards show.
Babestation: Looking down the wrong end of the telescope by accident
Monday, February 15th, 2010
Seeing as it was Valentine’s Day, I figured I’d watch something romantic. This of course led me to the Babestation channels – three whole channels devoted to late-night onanists, lonely shift-workers and widowers. Once, the graveyard slot was filled with thieving idiots posing under the banner of ‘quiz show’. Quizmania and The Mint would have you believe that the system was fair and the nation’s most depressed and amnesiac would rattle around their houses, listening to kind kid-presenter voices whilst being fleeced for every single penny from their account.
People are mental for Deal Or No Deal – properly mental
Thursday, February 11th, 2010
Deal Or No Deal is mental. A game of chance turned into the closest thing Britain has got to a cult. In Noel Edmonds we’ve got a man who directs the people with quacky systems and a belief in higher forces. Essentially it fulfils Channel 4′s religious output. Such is the fervour of which people love the show, they’ve melted an entire website until it was turned into a blessed ointment.
BBC to celebrate Northern life
Thursday, February 11th, 2010
The BBC wants to let everyone know that they’re not Londoncentric at all. Nosiree. They’re moving a chunk of the staff to Salford’s Media City and, to acclimatise them with the ways of Northern living, they’re making a season of Northerncentric shows. This means programmes celebrating pies, kitchen sink dramas and rugby league. I wonder if Matchstick Men and Matchstick Cats and Dogs will be heard piping over some footage?
The Good Wife – Possibly the classiest thing on TV right now
Thursday, February 4th, 2010
You’d be forgiven for thinking that the only good thing shown on TV recently is Doctor Who and The Wire. Everything else is staggeringly crap. Right? TV continues to scrape the barrel with format reality shows and things featuring Amanda Holden and/or Piers Morgan. It’s an insult. However, there’s a show airing currently that’s so classy that it should come with an olive on a cocktail stick.
From:Coronation Street fans apply here