Hello weekend! How lovely to see you! Wait a minute! What? Children will knock at our door and demand stuff that we might want to eat ourselves? Sod that. Don’t they know there’s a recession on? We need our chocolate bars and bags of crisps to stave off the impending doom! And of course, to veg in front of the television all weekend.

Tonight: The Event, Channel 4, 9pm

Conspiracy! Intrigue! Grown-up trash! Yessir, The Event continues to spread its mystery and the CIA swings into cover-up mode concerning a crashed plane and the dead people. There are aliens too and the whole thing reeks of Lost and X Files, but hits the high interest of neither. It’s a decent little show but you might not have the patience for it.

Tonight: The Stephen K Amos Show, BBC Two, 10pm

New series which sees Amos fronting his own show which blends stand-up and sketches, as well as appearances by celebrity guests. Amos is a bit hit-and miss, so lets hope he’s on form for his debut bow in his own programme. Don’t get your hopes up and you could be pleasantly surprised.

Tomorrow: The X Factor, ITV1, 8pm

The most mental thing on television continues to relentlessly pound out tunes and tears and as ever, Dermot O’Leary will be on hand to hold it together while the 11 surviving acts perform songs with a Halloween theme. Apparently, Wagner will be singing Meatloaf, which obviously, is going to make for astonishing viewing.

Tomorrow: The Making of Elton John: Madman Across the Water, BBC Two, 9.45pm

And if you hate The X Factor and agreed with Elton’s recent rant against it, then tune in for this documentary looking back of one of his early (and very, very good) albums. Features interviews with the man himself, plus Bernie Taupin, T-Bone Burnett and Leon Russell.

Sunday: James May’s Man Lab, BBC Two, 9pm

Okay. We get it. James May is a man who likes doing manly things like drinking pints and tinkering around in his shed. However, he thinks that men have gone from being rather useful to “a feckless, bed-wetting, parmesan-shaving imbeciles”. And so, we see him defuse a bomb and the like. The joke’s wearing a bit thin now, eh?

Sunday: Psychoville Halloween Special, BBC Two, 10pm

An absolute must-see this weekend is the return of the brilliant Psychoville. Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith bring back dark comedy and sick horror, which will make you laugh and cough up blood. Like really funny TB. A child explores a dilapidated psychiatric hospital and in there, discovers a severed human tongue… sweet dreams.