The weekend! It’s here! And, if you live anywhere near me, the weather looks dreadful. This is, of course, a perfect reason to stay inside and settle down with a bottle of drunk juice and a giant bag of crisps and burp rude words at the television set. Let’s have a look what’s on this weekend.

Tonight: Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers, Five, 8pm

Granted, Eastenders and QI are probably getting your attention tonight, but let me be the first to shout EDDIE! You play that game? Spotting Eddie Stobart lorries on the motorway? Anyway, this is a new series which looks at the daily workings of the haulage company that employs more than 5,000 people and makes a delivery every 4.6 seconds. Actually, this sounds a bit boring. EDDIE! 2-0 to Gimmers. Oh yeah.

Tonight: Jimi Hendrix: Guitar Hero, BBC Four, 10.05pm

It’s forty years since Jimi Hendrix died and BBC Four is on-hand once more to give the musos something to thrill over. His contemporaries appear to heap praise on the great man – Eric Clapton, Mick Taylor, Eric Burdon, longtime girlfriend Kathy Etchingham and his brother Leon, among others. It’s a familiar tale, but one worth repeat viewings.

Tomorrow: The X Factor, ITV1, 7.30pm

Simon Cowell and his cackling judges return to bring us television worth settling down for properly. It’s almost like a weekly Eurovision Song Contest. Crack open the booze and snacks and work your arse groove into the couch because we’ve made it to the boot camp stage of the show and it only gets more ludicrous from this point onward.

Tomorrow: Stephen Hawking’s Universe, Channel 4, 8pm

Professor Hawking is really, really, really clever. Right? Well, that doesn’t stop him from making slightly rubbish programmes tarted up with expensive CGI. That said, this doesn’t mean this show isn’t worth watching. I was lucky enough to attend a preview of this some months ago and, while I was completely uninspired by the whole thing, I had a real blast watching it. Basically, this is as dumb as Stephen Hawking is likely to get – enjoy it.

Sunday: Antiques Roadshow, BBC One, 7.30pm

We got to the Gothic minster of Beverley to watch old people sitting at tables while an expert tells them that the very old thing they’ve had in their house for years isn’t really worth much. This week, a ring reveals a lock of hair from Napoleon Bonaparte… which is weird.

Sunday: Inspector George Gently, BBC One, 8.30pm

George Gently strolls around a world where every bugger smokes and women are treated like they’re daft. It’s a bit like Life On Mars then. Martin Shaw returns to make women sigh and talk in a dodgy London accent while he solves crimes and shit.