Oh hello Nigella Lawson! I see you’re back in your Nigella Kitchen (BBC Two, Thursday, 30 September, 8pm) with a brand new series! Excellent! This is good news why? Well, I haven’t had someone to truly hate for a while, and your return is well timed because I’m brimming with bile.

Yes indeed, the most irritating cook of them all (staggering, seeing how the competition for that title is so incredibly well-fought) is back to roll her Rs and masturbate piping bags and try and talk sexy to a saffron and truffle pie or whatever the shit it is she makes.

Think I’m over doing it?

She describes a cheesecake as “just a hint of inner-thigh wibble”. Honestly. Anyone with a rudimentary sensory organ could gather that this is a woman who needs to be taken to some far-away land to be ignored for eternity.

And, she makes this bloody cheesecake while wearing a black silk dressing gown.

Honestly.

Fact is, this isn’t Lifestyle Porn like the show wants you to believe, rather, a postcard from some hideously affluent area of London where 90% of the inhabitants should be rounded-up and flogged to within in an inch of their dismal, foodie lifestyles.

Or, alternatively, you could be really boring and watch something else and say that ‘It’s Only TV’ to yourself. But that’s no fun is it?