Weekend time! Of course, the weather is determined to spoil it for some of us by rain hitting our windows so hard that we won’t be able to even hear our TVs. Hmm. Well, here’s what you won’t be able to hear.

Tonight: BBC Proms 2010, BBC Four, 7:30pm

There’s bugger all on TV tonight, so I’d get down the pub if I were you. Unless you’re a really big fan of James Ehnes who is playing the Bruch Concerto. To most of you, that will mean absolutely nothing… me included.

Tonight: Celebrity MasterChef, BBC One, 8:30pm

The four semi-finalists prepare to be shouted at and put through the most ludicrous of challenges in the name of cooking some idiot a load of food. It shouldn’t be any good, but for some reason it is. It’s the pantomime version of cooking with Gregg Wallace starring as Widow Twanky.

Tomorrow: 101 Ways to Leave a Gameshow, BBC One, 6:50pm

Hiring Steve Jones to be both handsome and sarcastic is one thing… but really, it can’t carry a show this poor. Basically, it’s all about watching frightened people in super slow motion with the quiz element clunking things up. It’s like Total Wipeout but not unashamedly dumb.

Tomorrow: Match of the Day, BBC One, 10:30pm

Yes! Men kicking a ball about is back! Gary Lineker presents highlights from the opening day of the Premier League season, including Chelsea v West Brom and Blackpool return to the top flight after a length absence and take on Wigan. It should be ace! Unless, of course, your team loses.

Sunday: Secret Britain, BBC One, 9pm

The BBC show us bits of Britain that we rarely see, which is a very BBC thing to do. Matt Baker and Julia Bradbury look at hidden gems, with this episode looking at Dorset’s holloways.

Sunday: The Unforgettable Jeremy Beadle, ITV1, 9pm

Jeremy Beadle was much more than a simple piss-taker. He was a tireless charity worker, festival promoter and much more. Of course, he could be irritating, but here’s a chance to see what people thought of him away from the pranks.