When Masterchef turns up, I immediately start playing Masterchef bingo. Basically, this means I anticipate the ridiculous rave music that litters this programme, along with the now infamous “cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this” from Mr Gregg Wallace, the way he hovers over a forkful of food before hoovering it up like a Dyson, India Knight’s breathy dramatic voice over, Torode’s wild lost-in-a-jungle stare and the appearance of a professional chef who is a complete and utter wanker.
Once, scallops would have been on the bingo, but alas, these days, they’ve been taken off the menu because they’re not fashionable anymore. Things more likely to appear are ugly looking flat fish. Essentially, Masterchef is always the whistle blower on fish that used to be regarded as crappy and throwaway turned expensive and sought after.
And so, like every other Masterchef – sleb or otherwise – last night’s show ticked along in exactly the same way as every other Masterchef that went before it… only with one slight difference. Torode actually did a bit of cooking.
Of course, it didn’t add to the show in any way. It only served to remind us what Torode did on our TVs before he took the role of shouting instead of speaking all the time when only a matter of inches from Gregg Wallace’s perfectly round head.
Christine Hamilton was the star of last night’s show. Now, she’s quite good at making a spectacle of herself. You saw her World Cup single with her husband? You saw the way she drunkenly sat on Louis Theroux’s knee and burped gin into his ear?
Well, last night, she was all about crying. This normally unflappable woman was reduced to tears by the world of cooking because, if you didn’t know, food is so astonishingly important that it has to be made in a certain way, for a certain time, to a certain standard or the Earth spins from its axis toward the sun, leaving us with a rather charred future ahead of us (presumably interspersed with blaring rave music and a man shouting at you telling you that your pointless plate swirls aren’t quite swirly enough).
Masterchef is back.
Pointless and as daft as ever.Join TVScoop on Facebook for exclusive competitions and gossip