Celebrity Come Dine With Me (Channel 4, Thursday, 15 July, 8pm) is the epitome of just how much the show has changed since the almost quaint early shows. It went from being normal people moaning about fish to something of a freak show. Last night was one of the freakiest.

Y’see, the show featured Janice Dickinson HELLO! I’M HERE! THE PARTY DON’T START ‘TIL I WALK IN former super-model and general bozo who HONEY! DO YOU EVER EAT ANYTHING? I MEAN REALLY? CUH! unable to stop commanding the space she’s in which of course, makes it incredibly difficult to get a word in edgewDON’T MIND ME! I’M JUST RESTING MY VAGINA ON YOUR FROZEN PEAS HONEY!

*sigh*

As I was trying to say, Janice Dickinson is a royal pain in the arHOW DARE YOU? NO-ONE SHOULD SPEAK TO A GUEST LIKE THAT! HOW AWFUL! YOU CAN KISS MY AMERICAN ASS! which leaves guests frazzled and unable to breathe properly, let alone speaDID I TELL YOU MY TITTIES WERE FAKE? *GRABS BOOBS* HONEY, I WILL HAVE CALUM BEST EVEN IF IT IS BURGLARY!

*sigh*

What I was trying to saYOU DON’T LIKE MUSHROOMS? GIVE ‘EM HERE! GIVE! GIVE! GIVE! *WRESTLES PLATE FROM GUEST* What I was trying to say, if you’d let me get a bloody word in is thWHEN MY KIDS ARGUE, I SCREAM THE HOUSE DOWN! WE HAVE AN ANGER ORGASM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’M JUST GOING TO POP MY TOOT ON YOUR FROZEN PEAS AGAIN. HONEY, WHEN YOU GET TO MY AGE…

*sigh*

Jeff Brazier, the most beige man in the universe managed to offend no-one in the shoSO WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU ALL? WHY ARE YOU FAMOUS? *EATS FOOD FROM BOWL LIKE A PIG SNOUT FIRST IN A TROUGH* HAHAHA! I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF ME! CAN I HAVE SEX WITH CALUM NOW? I’LL JUST HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD AND DRAG HIM TO THE BEDROOM LIKE A CAVEMAN! HAHAHA!

Meanwhile, Sam Fox and Calum Best tried gamely to make for a civilised dinner party but alasDID SOMEONE MENTION MY NAME? YOU PROBABLY ALL HATE ME, RIGHT? I DON’T CARE! I GOT MY TITS OUT IN FRENCH VOGUE Y’KNOW? I’LL KEEP TALKING UNTIL YOU EITHER SNAP AT ME OR THROTTLE ME! HAHAHAHA!

And on and on this went on. Every single time anyone so much breathed, Janice was there, jumping all over it and bludgeoning everyone half to death with her eerie pouting motormouth.

Naturally, the show would have been incredibly dull if it wasn’t for her appearance and, sadly, she knows it. Janice Dickinson is a massive, massive dry-heaving tool of a woman and she’s got the combination of self-loathing and crassness to keep her in free meals and camp iconery for life.

I’M JUST SLIPPING MY FANNY ON YOUR PEAS AGAIN! HAHAHA! CALUM! LET’S HAVE SEX! YOU HATE ME DON’T YOU! YOU’RE SO HANDSOME! HAHAHAHA! BLEURGH! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!

If you missed the show, catch up with it on SeeSaw.