Blue Peter have confirmed that the show’s dog, Mabel, will be leaving the show after 14 years. We’ve been lucky enough to grab an interview with her. Producers announced today that the long-running children’s programme would be parting ways with their veteran Border Collie Cross dog when she retires on March 30th.

TV Scoop: So, you’re leaving Blue Peter. Are you sad?

Mabel: Grrrrr. ROWF! ROWF! Only kidding. I’ve had a splended time on the show. To be honest, it was an easy gig. I didn’t have to mess about making the island from Thunderbirds or anything like that… I didn’t have to muck about canoeing for charity. I just turned up and occasionally attacked the guests off camera. Piece of piss really.

TVS: What are your strongest memories of being on Blue Peter?

M: All that business with the naming of the cat was a bit of a ball-ache, but apart from that, my memories are mostly fond ones. However, you get to a point where you think that it’s time to hang up the lead… I can’t be arsed with the long days to be honest with you. I just want to lick my genitals and eat pies now.

TVS: How did you get the gig in the first place?

M: A lot of people assumed that I was some la-di-da pooch, like that prick from Woof! What was his name? Pippin or something? No. I’m a rescue dog. They found me in ’96 after I’d appeared in a short film about the RSPCA. I said ‘Oh, very nice. Highlight the plight of us lot only to piss off back to television centre. What would Biddy Baxter think? Walk it like you talk it!’ The show’s producers liked my spunk and took me on.

TVS: Really?

M: Yep. Initially, they expected me to fill in for the presenters when they were ill or trekking up some hillock for disabled kids, but my wage demands were a bit high. Instead, we struck a sweet deal which enabled me to do very, very little. To be honest, I’m a bit surprised that the idiot licence fee payer didn’t kick up more of a stink about my sort. I was on £2.3 million a year at one point… and for what? Shitting indoors! Mind you, Richard Bacon got paid to do pretty much the same.

TVS: Your fellow presenter, Joel Defries said that you were “a legend” and that he’ll ‘miss you dearly.’

M: Joel? Ha! That gimp? I hated him the moment I saw him. Have you noticed how competitive he is? He once stood on my tail 10 seconds before the cameras rolled on his first day before doing one-armed press-ups and shouting “LOOK AT ME MABEL! YOU’RE DEAD SKIN! DEAD SKIN!”

TVS: Seriously? That seems unlikely!

M: You’ve no idea mate. Children’s television is brimming with unrelenting bastards. You’d think that other areas of TV would have the most odious, vapid morons… but kid’s TV… it’s a pool of sharks. They only ever move forward and that’s to bite a limb off. I only stuck it out so long because I could leave scurrilous notes about the presenters lying around. They never suspected it was me because, due to my thumb being half way up my leg, they thought I couldn’t hold a pen. Sadly, my assistants would get fired. One year, I went through 40 of the poor fuckers.

TVS: Jesus. Heavy.

M: Stop being such a child.

TVS: So what’s next for you?

M: I considered doing an Alan Bennett play or something. I’m 98 in dog years now, so I reckon he’ll be up for that. All his stuff is about old gits eating pasties or whatever… and I could piss that, no bother. The immediate plans are the house move. I’m going to move in with a former member of the production team for the time being.

TVS: Are you always like this?

M; What do you mean by that exactly?

TVS: So prickly…

M: You can talk. *shows teeth*

(a gun shot goes off)