Commercial Break: The hateful ‘accidental duet’

Romance in commercials should be banned. Banned or shot at. Then bricked. The whatever is left should be burned. Shoot the embers for good measure. Y’see, ‘love’, budding or otherwise, is the trickiest thing to pin down. Musicians have been trying to catch it in a jar and sell it for years. Mostly failing too.

So just when I thought that nothing would outdo the syrupy horseshit of the Häagen-Dazs commercial, with those two morons tentatively touching hands whilst suspended above a theatre performance like lovelorn buckets of pig blood about to topple onto Carrie, along comes the commercial to puke sugar down your eyes.

Picture this. Two lonely sorts walk into a shop. They start messing about on their respective instruments, accidentally syncing up because to-ing and fro-ing before awkwardly biting their lips at what just happened. Not a euphemism I hope.

Of course, side-stepping the part where I say: If this was the real world, idiot musicians would tentatively tinkle their instruments before one stopped and said “What key are we doing this in?” and then, ultimately, end up arguing about whether it needs a hook or not.

Yeah… sidestepping that, not only are these two twerps the most twee humans in history, and thereby, more likely to bond on a Belle and Sebastian chatroom before sending awkward and semi-naked pictures to each other online before doing precisely nothing about it other than making half-plans to go to some crappy hummous fest like The Green Man.

Naturally, this makes the mockery of the very thing these singing-dicks are selling – It’s a dating site (if you didn’t know), which presumably works under the pretence that you’re more likely to find someone to mate with in a pool of singletons than you are existing in online places filled with people with similar interests… even if your interests are “Godfarver Free” or, being “somewhat impulsive”, yet not impulsive enough to do anything without adding the get-out clause of ‘somewhat’.

It’s in Match’s interest to show off single life as a hazy, romantic place filled with music and thickening pulses… however, if they wanted to really show their wares, then they should really have one woman being inundated with requests from fat widowed men or, men faced with automated ‘check out this cam’ replies from speculative punts on women obviously too young and too pretty.

None of the above are’s fault per se, but y’know, a bit of realism in the advert would have been nice, no matter how crushing and depressing it is.

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