ITV have incredible front. First they've got the sheer cheek to send Piers Morgan around some of the most glamorous places in the world and not wonder why that might be staggeringly dreadful... and now... well... they've given us Amanda Holden's Fantasy Lives (ITV1, Tuesday, 2 February, 9pm) which sees the dead-eyed dolt going to very nice places and telling us, who can't go, how wonderful it is. A towering monument of sneering cheek, set to topple over on to you, snorting.

Last night, we saw Holden swanning around Los Angeles and telling us how much she loved it there... just to remind us that she earns loads of money for doing pretty much piss all with her life.

Why was she in LA? Well, she gets to live out one of her dream jobs... presuming you're gullible enough to assume that Holden has the brain power to muster up something as tricky as a dream.

That dream is to become a Hollywood stuntwoman.

Of course, you need to be brave to do stunts and, if there's one thing you can say about Amanda Holden, she showed incredible courage when she went down on Neil Morrissey with Les Dennis' agonising howls of pain still haunting her cavernous little dome.

And so, Amanda went to meet a proper person with talent called Debbie Evans who has done a frightening amount of dazzling stunts. She did the tough stuff that Wonder Woman was too chicken to try out and made Jack Nicholson nearly piss his pants with delight during some film or other.

During this time, we discover Amanda's phobia. That is "fire". Now, normally, a phobia is an irrational fear of something. Like, a fear of jumpers or being terrified of potential beheadings from an internet virus. A fear of fire is a very sensible thing to be afraid of... just like having a phobia of being stabbed up the ribcage with a cleaver.

So anyway, Amanda gets to drive a car quite fast and jump off a thing, leaving me wondering why someone would commission such vapid, hopeless television.

I mean, the audience is supposed to have some kind of emotional connection to someone when they go and do these dream trip shows. When Stephen Fry goes around America or cooing at endangered animals, you get the notion that, if he could, he'd take every single one of us with him. When Amanda Holden goes to the USA, you get the impression she's rather pleased with herself.

You may well be thinking that I'm being needlessly nasty to Amanda Holden and... well... I am. I find it incredibly difficult to connect with her emotionless puck of a face. Her continual appearance on things of which she has no ability nor authority is staggering.

I mean, this is a woman who is normally seen making judgement calls on talent!

So to see her on a glorified adventure weekend junket with ITV on my television screen was a bit too prickly to swallow. This is useless television made with no-one in mind that really clogs up our listings.

Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. The only redeeming thing was that someone set her arm on fire briefly.