The Glastonbury Festival (or, Pilton Pop Festival if you’re local, ‘Glasto’ if you’re a spectacular example of idiocy) is one of the most miserable places on Earth. It’s like the forced fun of a house party to the power of a million. Yapping swine dance in the mud and sing along to the most catholic bands on Earth, all the while, thinking that they’re sticking it to the man and helping Mother Earth.
Take a look at the kind of braying moron you see stood at the back of a Jools Holland show and that’s the kind of wimpish, witless moron you’re likely to stumble into at a Glastonbury Festival.
Still, it’s a good place to send these nitwits. The toilets are staggering in their grimditutde, with towering piles of faecal matter peering out of moulded plastic shit-wells, ready to topple over at the merest shunt by a passing drunk in a Stone Roses t-shirt and reddened trench-face.
All the while, hippies with dogs-on-washing-line thrill at the summer solstace and how spiritual the whole thing is… regardless of the fact they’ve paid a squillion quid to contribute to one of the biggest carbon footprints of the calendar year (yep, those thousands of people travelling in cars, the bands arriving by bus, plane, helicopter, the generators for the mung burger stands, the PAs, the lighting, the hovering TV helicopters… and on and on).
From the stage comes a selection of the dreariest music ever conjured up by our idiot race. People wave flags and sit on each others shoulders and generally live like celebrating mud-skippers, flailing helplessly around in puddles of dead-water and filmed and commented on by hooting brain-donors like Zane Lowe and Edith ‘How’s That Septum Doing?’ Bowman.
And so, BBC Worldwide is to share this unrelenting misery with the rest of the world as it pushes this Disney-For-Deniers around foreign TV sets.
John Mansfield, the BBC Worldwide Music head of content development, said: “In this momentous year, as Glastonbury celebrates its 40th anniversary, we are proud and privileged to bring the much celebrated BBC coverage to a global stage.”
Glastonbury’s executive producer for TV, Ben Challis, added: “We have worked with the BBC in the UK since 1997 and the award-winning coverage of Glastonbury just gets better and better.”
To foreign people who will see the footage of Glastonbury, on behalf of all Britons, I apologise for what you’re about to see in advance.
(And yes, I’ve been to a dozen Glastonbury festivals… for my sins)
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