Join TVScoop on Facebook for exclusive competitions and gossip

Babestation: Looking down the wrong end of the telescope by accident

By johnberesford on February 15th, 2010 9 comments

babestation.jpgSeeing as it was Valentine’s Day, I figured I’d watch something romantic. This of course led me to the Babestation channels – three whole channels devoted to late-night onanists, lonely shift-workers and widowers. Once, the graveyard slot was filled with thieving idiots posing under the banner of ‘quiz show’. Quizmania and The Mint would have you believe that the system was fair and the nation’s most depressed and amnesiac would rattle around their houses, listening to kind kid-presenter voices whilst being fleeced for every single penny from their account.

However… and quite rightly, these shows were effectively outlawed, leaving a gaping hole in the weird world of twilight television. Now, it’s been replaced by the unashamed robber of the sex-line. Yep, in what amounts to little more than a mucky phone-line/webcam beamed directly into your living room… on the very same screen you may have watched a touching World War I documentary or film about a talking dog… is a factory’s worth of women jiggling their buttocks for the amusement of jaded colonels and factory workers not sated by sticking their flaccid members into lukewarm Pot Noodles.

For their pleasure, they get to see an ageing Lindsay Dawn Mackenzie talking on a phone that was the wrong way round and humping fresh air. Meanwhile, the ‘action’, is broken up by a voiceover woman putting on her sexiest voice whilst reading out the terms and conditions of a glorified webcam.

It makes for astonishing television, it really does.

In the bottom left corner, next to the phone number and the declaration to Call Us Using UR Creditcard is a spinning icon that is CENSORED, which is clearly a video cam… which is obviously going to be some grainy image of a customer furiously yanking at his scrotum in a bedsit in Rotherham whilst demanding that a complete stranger gets her knockers out whilst simulating fellatio on a cordless phone. One lass listlessly rolls around on a bed clearly under the instruction to dribble down her own chin.

The girls are obviously only allowed to show so much and we can’t all hear what they’re saying… obviously, the draw of the thing is to spend a lot of money on speaking to them on the phone, leaving the casual passer-by the strange spectacle of watching a girl cock her leg up like a dog-gymnast, muted out by Casio keyboard music, demo setting three, thrusting down on an imaginary man. It’s like a sex version of Give Us A Clue (mercifully without Una Stubbs… and the less said about those rumours the better).

It’s even odder when you flick between the three channels (there’s Babestation 1, 2 and Xtra). You begin to get the impression that everyone silently gets roughly taken from behind by invisible humans and you’re in fact weird for sitting on a couch fully clothed. At one point, my suspicions were nearly confirmed as a couple rang in together to hump each other loudly whilst talking to one of the Babestation babes. We know this because someone decided to unmute the whole thing, leaving me to unwittingly listen to some couple humping in a terraced house somewhere. I nearly blushed.

That said, it isn’t all bog-standard moaning and groaning. You also get to see some of the strange requests from the British public. One lady who goes by the name of Tiffany Chambers (who “can’t wait for your dirty bad calls”) sticks the phone between her breasts, dribbles spittle from her tongue whilst pretending to play castanets – yodelling. She then seemingly checks her boobs for lumps. She is then, presumably, asked to dangle her foot in front of the camera and tickle the lens with her toe.

It’s far from over. Then, she seemingly shouted something down the phone, between looking a bit confused, only to jump to her feet and pretend to shoot the viewers, wild-west style. She then laughs at what I can only assume to be the ‘finishing’ noises of the caller who I bet gurgled like someone unblocking a backed-up grid.

The whole thing was so staggeringly non-sexual that I forgot about any liberal leanings at the exploitation of women and how degrading the whole spectacle only to end up glaring down the tube at the most peculiar spectacle in recent history with a mixture of amusement and blankness.

So odd is Babestation that it made Michael Jackson’s funeral look as pedestrian as someone absent mindedly scratching their nose.

Not that any of this foxes fans of the show. On a forum dedicated to the girls of the show, one scamp slates ‘Kandi’ saying: “I caught her on the black couch and I must confess I was disappointed. She seemed to regress back to her “locked in syndrome” days. She could at least lie on her right side occasionally to add a bit of variety.”

Another poster pines about a former Babestation starlet, saying: “I know the day had to come but it still doesn’t make it any easier. Dionne is the ultimate babe channel babe. The first time i saw her i was mesmerised by her beauty. No woman on any of the channels can smoulder like dionne does. Dionne made me laugh when she was chatting on the mike & really looked like she thoroughly enjoyed the show. Her legs are mindblowing her lips are the most kissable but i will miss her dreamlike eyes the most. The lady is an absolute goddess, a proper woman & in my opinion go down as the number 1 legend of all time. I’m off to cry myself to sleep” [sic]

Quite why anyone would tune in at a premium rate for this stuff is beyond me. I mean, they’ve heard of the endless filth on the web right?

Watching Babestation is hilarious and depressing. It’s a peer into how bored women really look at the other end of sex chat lines whilst almost constantly reminding you of the loneliest people in Britain. For each amusing visual that hits your eye, there’s the nagging, immovable notion of someone on the end of a phone, violently tugging their genitalia raw whilst you watch, desperate for the affection of a woman charging £1.50 a minute.

If you open your window, you can almost hear an orchestra of embarrassed climaxes from balding men with their undercrackers round their ankles. All the while, what seem to be sweet and presumably smart girls, tweak their nipples over and over until it begins to turn into a battery farm of titillation.

You almost want to give these girls a consoling hug and promise them something better… and then it hits you. Our onanist chums who have been ringing them up clearly feel the same way and want to take them away from this life they’ve made for themselves.

This is why some of them get emotionally involved with the girls. Suddenly, all those sneers and laughs feel a bit hollow. You’re essentially laughing at the business of mutual loneliness and mutual exploitation.

Frank Lloyd Wright once said “TV is chewing gum for the eyes”… he clearly never watched Babestation because TV is clearly the spent condom for the depressed remote control.

Join TVScoop on Facebook for exclusive competitions and gossip
  • ml

    True words mof

    Key word: lass

  • Hieroglyph

    I love a last minute ‘before bed flick’ through to BS 1,2 3 and 4 – not for a tugg or dribble down the TV screen, but to wonder in amazement at how they (The Channel operators) are gradually pushing the envelope of decency… Not moral decency, but intellectual decency!

    After the best of the out-lying provenances have flicked their hair violently and unnaturally to the right for the umpteenth time and wobbled tattoo’d cellulite in my face and emptied a whole bottle of Baby Lotion over their derrieres, I thank god I don’t find myself in a situation of having to engage with women like this in the real world as their no doubt sneering contempt for ordinary men could end turning me into a paid up member of the left-hand-down club!

  • Loz

    Mof, that made me almost cry laughing. Brilliant. Be writing a zeitgeisty novel soon because you definitely have ‘it’ and suddenly there’s no one writing great novels about The Now. Sebastian Faulks ‘a week in December’ is an effort but so disconnected from current reality and so donnish it’s almost embarrassing.

    Please do it soon.


  • sayso

    I very much doubt that the persona these women perform on screen are who they actually are, and therefore are not likely to have “sneering contempt” for anyone (although there may be some who do perhaps) but I think the women on Babestation and other channels like this probably need some money and this is one way of making it. They may even think of it as easy. In new ‘confession’ memoirs turning up at the moment many of the women confess that they make huge amounts of money for a few hours of work. Just because they happen to work on Babestation doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person, it perhaps just suggests that they are desperate.

    I also find it starnge that anyone would watch these channels if they beleive that it is pushing the envelope of intellectual decency. Personally if I don’t like something I change the channel.

  • YumYum

    I found this article amusing. Everything you say is true, but I must confess that there have been at least 5 different occassions when I’ve been watching TV late at night and flicked over just to relieve myself (my laptop wasn’t in a different room). I think these girls do make alot of money. I was watching a documentary on plastic surgery and one of the girls who was on there is also a regular girl on one of Babestations’ sister channels. Anyway, long story short, she was living in a very exclusive gated housing complex in a beautiful apartment in London. These girls are glamour models and whilst I don’t think many of these Nuts and Loaded girls are all that hot myself, the business pays extremely well.

  • Olly – London

    Very well written. Babestation is another unacceptable face of capitalism. Sayso is doubly sadly mistaken, the women ‘performing’ are unlikely to be very smart, as they would probably then have career alternatives. Also, they can hardly avoid contempt for their viewers, their plight is so obviously pathetic.

    I was astonished when I first noticed these channels. I’m still astounded by how perfunctory and unsexy the whole setup is. Truly, internet porn appears smiley, sensuous and fulfilling compared to these awful displays of two-way desperation.

  • Babestation Fan

    I love Babestation, almost as funny as bidup tv for awkward banter. I remember when i was younger it was very difficult to see some naked ladies on TV. But now its everywhere.

    I am still surprised how much they expose – but there’s something about lobby room music and a girl miming and panting silently that’s slightly disturbing.

    Not as good as Euro Trash mind..

  • Tore J

    Funniest blog I have read,living in Norway and have a motorised dish for watching BBC ITV and so on I have seen those channels.I don’t have a Skybox so i scan Astra 2/Eurobird1 from time to time.But if you think BS is bad witch i is, still the rest of the channes are even worse if possible.Just take a look at a channell called Babecast,the whole thing remind me of a kennel and a frathouse.I wonder is it this way Britons sees woman,like a dog barking and wailing like a hyena.Or jumping up and down like a monkey with fire in their ass.I pity for the girls in those show.most of them looks both lowely and sweet.T J Norway.Sorry for my bad English BTW

  • Luke Warren

    Could not give a shit what you say about Babestation and all the other babe channels. I like watching it and couldn’t care less what people think. Love porn on the internet and couldn’t give a shite what people say about that either. Even though it might be true what you’ve said, I just don’t give two shits.

Join TVScoop on Facebook for exclusive competitions and gossip