The death rattle of Big Brother got underway last night with the latest and last instalment of Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 4, Sunday, 3rd January, 9pm). Channel 4's flagship barrel scraping kicked off with a team of people that barely count as celebrities... but that's the same as it ever was, right?

The loveable Davina McCall (c'mon, don't be like that! She's nice underneath all that TV mugging) cheerfully romped around the new house, designed to look like a fairground in hell, in half a monkey costume. In turn, she introduced each slebsquib to a mixture of panto booing and cheering... or in some cases, singing.

Sisqo erupted onto the show singing "Thong Tha-Thong Thong Thong", which mystifyingly, was sung back at him by people who surely aren't old enough to recall a one hit wonder from years ago. Hang on. I don't know why I even typed that when they clearly did remember 'The Thong Song'.

Dane Bowers was also on the receiving end of some singing as a dazzling amount of strangled cat voices sang "I wanna get freaky with you!" and "Let me lick you up and down!" Sadly, no-one sang "That make-up on your forehead is clearly covering up a massive dint made by someone's sovereign ring!"

Of course, the man who is alleged to have done it is another one of Jordan's conquests. That person is cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid. Both of these people being in the house proves that Channel 4 actually want to see Bowers, who is resembling kebab meat on a spit these days, beaten to a pulp by a man in high heels. If we're being honest, the penny peep show lovers amongst us wouldn't mind seeing that either, even if we do tut and mutter about how base it all is.

Elsewhere, we had the worryingly thin Nicola T who has been 'in everything from Zoo to Nuts' (!!!) and Ekaterina Ivanova who has gone some way to dispel the notion that women don't simply go for looks all the time when she rutted like a farmyard animal with crumbling chalk faced Ronnie Wood.

Meanwhile, the mostly deaf Stephanie Beacham sat confused amongst Basshunter and Lady Sovereign, with the latter favourite to be The One Who Starts Off Being An Idiot But Reveals 'Emself To Be Rather Sweet Under All That Idiot Bravado. Add Vinnie Jones to the mix and you've got a towering wall of thickery that can only be matched by anyone simple enough to watch Five's 'Heads Or Tails'.

Lastly, but not leastly, we got the gruesome pairing of Heidi Fleiss and Stephen Baldwin. She, the Pete Burns lookalike and Hollywood prostitute vendor is set to come up against the least famous of the Baldwin brothers in a battle of morals and wit. You see, he's one of those idiot Christian types who thinks that Jesus existed and that ramming scripture down people's throats is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Fleiss will have him for breakfast with any luck...

...not that anyone will be watching. They may as well switch the cameras off now because, in essence, last night was the final that 6 million people tuned in for. Something weird better happen in the first week or this will be a waste of a giant electricity bill for all concerned.