This summer will see Big Brother bow out on Channel 4. It'll be the last time the show features on the channel... but how should it bow out? Well, instead of pulling out the stops to fill the house full of not-rights and attention seekers, it should fill the house will Greatest Hits...

So what do I mean by 'Greatest Hits'? Well, it would be easy for the producers of the show to simply stick all the winners in for one last hurrah... but let's be honest, that'd be as boring as can be.

That's because the winners of Big Brother are usually not the most fun. Do you remember much about Rachel Rice or Cameron Stout? There's not really much to remember about them other than the fact they were 'nice'.

No, to go out with a bang, Big Brother must get those that were the best value... and downright idiotic... and put them all in the media tumble-dryer once again and let us all hoot and wail with sneering mockery.

First on the list is the staggeringly simple Brian Belo. Okay, he won it... but he was so dim that at times, I was convinced that he possessed less brain power than a mop. He wet the bed, couldn't control his erections and nearly cut his ear off in his time in the house. He thought Shakespeare was a film director and dribbled over Babe: Pig in the City. He was a monumental loon... but an insanely loveable one.

Naturally, we'd need someone to exploit his stupidity, so step forward Derek Laud, the fox-hunting gay Tory who would thrill in the face of such thickery. To ensure that Belo had company, we could stick in Helen Adams who famously said "I like blinking, I do!" as well as marvelling at clouds and wondering how much chicken there was in a chick pea.

To provide righteous tension, Charlie Brooker's best mate, Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace could be thrown into the mix to say things like "you better know yourself". Aisleyne's role could be to round up the collective grotesqueness of Makosi Musambasi (who would get a phantom pregnancy from a microphone pack), Michelle Bass (who could rut like a farmyard animal under a table and shout "NO. NAKED. JACUZZI. NESS!") and Nikki Grahame (a blithering brat of the highest order) and fling them in a room in a fight to the death. Last one standing is guaranteed a safe passage into the next week.

Of course, we'd need a cartoon character in there and DJ Spiral (who'd do "everyting te you") would be on hand to provide television so toe-curling that the whole of Britain would end up hobbling around on a pair of club-feet.

Naturally, Nick Bateman would have to make an appearance, just to tell outrageous lies and attack assault courses with all the grace of a horse on a see-saw. Kinga should also make a brief entrance... if you catch my drift.

However, lord of the manor would be the greatest Big Brother housemate ever. Science could skank about the place to offer withering put-downs to absolutely everybody within a mile radius. In fact, I'd be more than happy for him to walk into the house, reprise his "tweedle-dee, tweedle-dum and tweedle-twat" routine and leave again. The boy was a comic genius.

And finally, to end the stint of Big Brother on Channel 4, Craig Phillips can appear on a podium, overlooking the house, to belt out a rousing rendition of his number 14 pop hit, 'At This Time Of Year'. It'd be our generation's equivalent of Hasselhoff singing as the Berlin Wall fell.

Channel 4. Make this happen.