What is it with Attenborough? He's a man obsessed by sex and death. He's like some dark eyed rock star wobbling around on the lip of a building with a hard-on and a death-wish.Mercifully, instead of coming over all Jim Morrison, our Dave prefers to watch the weird world of nature, with its shagging and bloodshed.

Last night's Life (BBC One) was probably the most gruesome thing ever aired on television. Focusing on the deep, deep sea, Attenborough and his (incredible) team took us all to a strange, still, alien world.

This world is filled with creatures that don't even need spines to kill your face off. The ginormo Humboldt Squid, which flashes red and pink, ghosted in from the inky black to tear the heads off fish with barbed tentacles, razor-beaks and horrible grabbing things. The most terrifying thing is that they've got really sharp minds. That's right. These are conker brained idiots... these things learn and develop, which means they'll invariably take over the world once they've designed a helmet which lets them breathe out of the water. We're doomed.

Worse than all that, is that the pretty, lovely starfish that sit on the bottom of the ocean are equally grim. They seem to hang around in a stop-motion world with these creeping alien worms, and they saw fit to entirely devour a seal pup, wriggling around in its eye-sockets and puking up acid onto its skin to melt it.

Basically, if the squid doesn't get you, the scavengers on the sea-floor will polish you off no bother. Oh, and some of the starfish are as big as dustbin lids. Oh, and there are even bigger crabs that will rip off your arm given half a chance.

Honestly, this show, as beautiful and well-made as it was, effectively ensured that I'll have nightmares for the rest of my days. Thanks a lot BBC.