Christmas time is here again, and naturally, this means that TV is bloated with a whole host of cookery gits telling us what to eat. They’ve every right to of course, because we’re all idiots who just buy turkeys every Yule without really thinking about it (unless you’re a foodie already of course). The latest chef with ideas is Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall with his Christmas at River Cottage (Channel 4, Monday, 14 December, 8pm)… and he’s got a gun.

This show was repeated from last year, to ensure that no stone was left undusted in fake snow. Personally, Christmas is a time of mixed emotion for me. On one hand, it’s a nice few days off work filled with greediness and wind… alas, on the other hand, it’s a stressfest filled with hopeless advice on what to buy people and the worry of spreading yourself wide enough to see Absolutely Everyone You’ve Ever Met In Your Entire Life.

As such, Christmas shows fill me with glee and loathing. The cookery shows tend to focus my attentions on the latter. You see, every time a cook says “you really ought to try this”, it makes my head spin, because, like children, they’re all simultaneously tugging at my hem and shouting “ME! ME! MY IDEA! MY IDEA!”

So while Hugh went off shooting a deer, hanging onions up in tights and thrilling at sprouts, I found myself harrumphing through the whole thing, scowling at his wonderful idyllic life and absolutely determined to ruin my own Christmas my forcing myself to have a sandwich filled with a Pot Noodle, wafer thin value Turkey slices and a fag butt.

Then again, I’m a moron.

I wish I was able to let myself go and just watch it as a TV show and nothing else… but I can’t. Instead of suspending my disbelief, I howl in pain when Hugh takes all his children fishing on a trawler in the sea to catch their Christmas grub… I wag a finger and yell “ARGH! AS IF I WILL EVER GET THE CHANCE TO DO THAT!” Of course, if you were here, he’d say… “No, just buy some whiting from the fish monger. I went fishing because it makes for better television. Calm. Have a caramelised onion.”

So yeah. Christmas. Makes me more of a prick than usual.