Of all the TV foodies on the box, the only one I can’t get mad at is Heston Blumenthal. He’s the mad Professor Yaffle of cookery. Instead of giving us tips, he fills our heads with ideas so mental that by the close of his show, someone will need to hang our brains in a gallery. And so, with great glee, I look forward to watching Heston’s Christmas Feast (Channel 4, Friday, 18 December, 9pm) which will once again, make me insanely jealous of anyone fortunate enough to get their tea cooked for by the most mental chef in history.

You’ll know you’re in trouble from the off on Friday, when Heston spits: “I can’t stand traditional Christmas dinner.” I bet that’s being hammed up a bit… but only to a point. This show clearly won’t be up for showing you the best way to cook a turkey over the Yule.

So what’s the alternative in his thoughts?

Well, he wants to cook some dormice, largely because Roman emperors liked chewing them. He’ll pierce them on a stick and cover them in chocolate and if you go green at the thought of that, then better step away from the table sharpish.

Why? On the menu is whale puke and more. Chowing down (aka The lucky bastards) will include Mariella Frostrup, Arabella Weir and actor James Purefoy… and that sour faced food critic woman who keeps popping up on shows with a face like a ripped slipper.