Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is a man with a mission. His mission is to badger us into submission until we’re all living like medieval peasants off the land. That’s a nice enough thought but y’know, I like Playstations, kettles and Whopper Burgers. So whilst I lead a life that would make a duckling bawl, Hugh’s has… River Cottage: Gone Fishing (Channel 4, Tuesday, 15 September, 8pm)… sorry, I couldn’t crowbar it into a sentence.

Related: More Hugh and RIver Cottage goodness!

As ever, Hugh gambolled around in his pastoral idyll, where the flutterbys do his washing up, chickens roam freely in palatial coops and all the local foxes have double barred names.

Meanwhile, bloodthirsty Hugh hacks animals to pieces between weeding his garden and thinking up a stream of irritating puns for every occasion.

Of course, thanks to Hugh being lost in his own little world, he’s managed to miss the fact that the rest of the world is in a horrible recession. Families once sat around discussing what goes best with scallops and buying houses in the south of France… now, they all sit outside their former houses keeping their hands warm on discarded cigarette butts and eating drawings of hams. It’s quite depressing really.

As such, whilst I reviewed this show by looking at a bank of TVs in a Curry’s shopwindow, it seemed a bit rich of Bally Old Hugh to preach about catching my own mackerel and shellfish.

Naturally, he was perfectly nice about the whole thing… but really, truth be told, I’m more into Mof Preservation than Animal Welfare… especially when those animals are only going to be chewed up and shat out anyway. Let ‘em suffer! I’m sick of being preached at! And besides, I’m too busy picking the eartag out of my No Frills Steak Flavour Pie.