TV loves playing matchmaker, despite having zero credentials in it. I mean, it was TV that Peter Andre and Katie Price together… and look how that ended. TV thought that Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton would be ideal cupids for people. That’s not even mentioning chortling harridan Cilla Black and her weird, weird head. So, this week, TV is finding love for rural types in Farmer Wants a Wife (Five, Wednesday, 23 September, 9pm). Insert your own incest jokes here.

It seems that Five are taking inspiration from nursery rhymes with this show, leading me to believe that future months will see a reality progamme based on the medical emergencies that can be fixed with vinegar and brown paper as well as a show focusing on the extra marital affairs of cutlery and crockery.

Until then, we’ve got a farmer who needs to spend less time with his hands down his undercrackers. This week, we deal with cattle breeder Willie from Northern Ireland.

Apparently, according to the Radio Times, he likes his women like his cows: “Blonde, with good legs, a good head and a good udder.” That’s nice isn’t it? Equating women with beasts that shit all over the place and can be made into nice pies.

I’m sure he’s being funny and this show is all rather sweet… but really… do we really need to watch a randy, lonely farmer being spurned on national television whilst his business is seen ailing in the background?