“There’s these new legal highs”. Hang on! Hang on stupid. Ever heard of glue? Aerosols? Paint thinner? Standing up a bit too quickly? Licking toads? Anyway, never mind all that. I’ve been aware of legal highs, As Sold In Shops, for well over a decade. I imagine they’ve been around longer than that too. However, that didn’t stop George Lamb doing the whole ‘There’s A New Danger!’ schtick in last night’s Can I Get High Legally? (BBC Three, Thursday, 2 July, 9pm).

Related: Should I Smoke Dope?

George Lamb is a walking Camden. Faux-hip, loud and incredibly vapid. He’s so annoying that sometimes, I wish I were dead. Of course, my own self worth isn’t so low that I’d kill myself over a bloke who has an alarming penchant for half-mast trousers and white slip-on shoes, but he continually makes me wonder why I bother breathing at all.

Anyway, last night, he looked a legal highs and those that take them. Fair enough. No-one has done a show on this topic before, and to be honest, it’s a good idea that someone did. I just wish it wasn’t George Lamb. You see, it stuck in my craw that Lamb should show concern about the participants in the programme, saying “they certainly don’t seem to care about the risks” when also implying that he spent half of his time in the music industry ripped off his tits.

I mean, when people take cocaine recreationally, do you think they all have a meeting first about the potential risks? Do they buggery. It’s a bit ol’ toot and off you go into the night jabbering like someone who has just been released from prison.

The participants in the show were an incredibly odd choice. The demographic for BBC Three, to my mind, is the kind of kid you likes listening to Usher or Cascada, so to feature three cartoon hippies who look like they’ve just dropped outta Groovy University in Maaanville was a peculiar angle. When watching, I could just imagine a load of WKD drinkers hurling abuse at them. Which I suppose is only right (don’t worry hippies, WKD kids get their just desserts every single Friday night in the car parks of Britain).

The basic premise of this incredibly flimsy show was to question how safe legal highs are. The simple answer is that no-one really knows because there’s hardly anyone running tests on them. That possibly includes the people who make that junk. Still, this is not something that bothers the kind of person who takes ‘em. I mean, it’s not like buying sweeties (like Lamb kept implying), more, it’s like buying knock-off fags… and no-one ever bothered to check how safe they were before lighting up.

As a result, the show gave the impression of standing in front of a rack of drugs and simple scratching its head whilst saying… ‘well, they are legal’.

To show how legal a legal high is, we were treated to a small montage of places. Like a street corner. Or on the street somewhere else. OR EVEN THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT! Well, that’s because it’s legal right? I mean, you could’ve shown a map of Britain and be done with it. Lamb confesses that he wouldn’t fancy snorting on a street corner though, because “I wouldn’t fancy trying to explain it” to a policeman.

Which brings up a neat point. Why didn’t he speak to the police? Or A&E? Do the emergency services have a lot of trouble with people crying on window ledges after taking salvia? We’ll never no because Georgie didn’t want to talk to the big, frightening policemen.

In conclusion, what did we learn? We learned that this show stated the obvious and that we may as well buy illegal drugs because they work better. Thanks.