There’s something very odd about Britain’s need to watch people they don’t know doing up a house. I mean, for the most part, we see these people stood by gaping wall holes where someone has ripped a radiator out, or even knocked an entire room down, and endlessly talk numbers. The budget is tight… the figures are being stretched. Effectively, it’s a combination of demolition without the fun of a wrecking ball and reading the Financial Times. Yet we still tune in. And so, last night I tuned in for Property Snakes and Ladders (Channel 4, Tuesday, 9 June, 8pm) which saw a new name… but was it a new show?

Related: Sarah Beeny’s Boobies | Property Ladder review

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Changing the name from the straightforward Property Ladder to Propery Snakes and Ladders is, on one hand, rather neat. As opposed to telling us that the property game is pure profit and aspiration, it’s now acknowledging that it can all go horribly tits-up. However, with the rebrand, we didn’t really see anything new in the show, as such.

The always good-value Sarah Beeny was once more on hand to sidestep missing floorboards and poke people tutting at damp in the ribs. Also back with a vengeance was the idiotic participants who refuse to listen to her advice.

Last night, we saw a whole family having petty squabbles about how some house or other was going to go and how the money would be spent some equally pointless thing, in an attempt to sell to someone who has probably crippled themselves financially for life with a 145% mortgage from Speculative Building Society X. Still, in these people, we can at least glean enough interest to watch people undertaking a very real project that many Brits are facing right now.

However, that’s not why we tune in for a show like this. The real meat on the bones was a young horsey girl called Natasha. Basically, at every single step of the way, she hootily refuted (I wanted to type ‘hootily refutily’ but that wouldn’t make sense) absolutely everything uttered by Beeny, regardless of the fact that a) Beeny was talking complete sense and b) She’s considerably richer than you.

Former TVScooper Keris Tweeted me saying that her husband was threatening savage violence on the gogglebox after seeing roughly a nanosecond of our Natasha in action. My rage was also more than palpable. I had to score a bag of heroin just to deal with the pain of watching this jumped up little turd. For the record, I’ve obliterated pretty much every vein in my body thanks to Property Snakes and Ladders, including the big one in my gentleman sword.

I don’t know what the viewing stats are for a show like this, but I’d wager that like me last night, not many get to the close of the show. I had to turn it off because I was getting far too irritated. So whether Beeny got to be smug over a catastrophic financial failure or coo at how lucky the assembled were, I’ve no idea. You can only hope for a doom laden finish. What? TV made me cruel. Deal with it.

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