I’ve managed to watch Britain’s Got Talent once this year and that was out of idle curiosity. Would it be as bad as I’d imagined? Yes… and some. However, giving a show like BGT a kicking is almost redundant. I mean, we all know what a vapid tit Simon Cowell is and, if you can stomach him, with his weird Action Man hair and perfectly rectangular face, then you’ve got to put up with Piers Morgan who looks like one of those toys than expands in water. Amanda Holden is a no-body. We all know this. However, no matter how I try, I can’t escape it.

Related: More Britain’s Got Talent

I’m often told by readers ‘If you don’t like it, don’t watch it!’ Of course, that’s the stupidest thing to ever say to a professional TV critic. I mean, we’re paid to pass comment on the whole of TV, even the stuff we don’t like. Hopefully, you get a free laugh out of it or the chance to have a go back at me. However, things are different now. Even though I don’t watch it, I’m still hit with a barrage of silage about every wheezing second of it.

If I switch off my TV and distract myself with my laptop, PING! my Twitterfox bumps in with a steady stream of people endlessly talking about it. 90% of these Tweets are from people who don’t even like it. Every passing second is accompanied by “Britain’s got no talent more like! #bgt“, “why did she sing that? #bgt“, “That was good eh? #bgt” and “Cowell HATES them dont he LOL #bgt”

What I’m left with is a puzzling commentary on something I’m not watching. Sometimes, someone will Tweet something genuinely funny, but mostly, people don’t bother explaining, rather, preferring to say “I like this #bgt”. Like what?!

So I turn off Twitter and Facebook, invariably also filled with status updates about how much they think Slightly Above Average Singer A is better than Slightly Below Average Dance Troupe and head to other sites to catch up on current affairs.

That’s no easy feat though as each newspaper is equally obsessed about Britain’s Got Talent, running live blogs about the ins-and-outs of each rejection, parping above the heads of the judges like neon KKK crosses. So, avoid the computer altogether. That’s the best thing right?

Going out into the world, around Britain’s Got Talent, and everyone is stuck indoors, hurling abuse at the telly. BGT has become an event that half stay to enjoy and the rest stay in to enjoy hating something. This is no good for me who is completely ambivalent to the whole thing. Sure, I unequivocally despise the judges and presenters on the show (especially the two hard boiled eggs with fuzzy felt glued to the top, Ant and Dec), but the show itself is a slightly more brash Stars in Their Eyes or New Faces.

So I’m left in this weird pocket, between those that hate and those that adore, leaving me feeling like neither fish nor beast. I’m hooked on TV, that’s why I review it… and I can’t escape this show and it’s driving me a bit mental. And all because the nation likes to watch a middle aged woman sing cover songs.