There’s been a lot of despondency about the recent return of Red Dwarf. Fellow writers feel all busted and beat by the lamo return of The Classic Show With A Cult Following. I feel for ‘em. It must be like a reunion tour by a band you once loved, turning up with added saxophone solos and their shirts tucked into their jeans. You walk away wounded. Thankfully for me, in Red Dwarf terms, I never bought the hype in the first place as it’s always been one of my most hated shows in existence. Firstly, it is Sci-Fi based, which is enough to make my puke… and secondly, it gave rise to people shouting “smeg” like that was joke enough in itself.

Related: Our Red Dwarf Section

Sci-fi fans bother me intently. Their the worst kind of comic book spanners you’ll ever meet. They’re the kind of people who get married dressed like Data from Star Trek: The Improved CGI Generation. These people tend to belong to a league table of people that worry me. They’re included with those grown men who still hang around Games Workshops, painting their little men and reeking of pasties and Hi-Karate. They’re up there with those people who jive at weddings. They’re too keen to show-off their fandom. They’re all potential stalkers.

Of course, that’s not to say ALL science fiction fans are like that. Some are very pleasant people indeed. Unless they start talking about Stargate or Doctor Who or whatever. They become unbearable stat-factories, talking in garbled wronglish about transporters and formulae. Getting stuck in a conversation with a sci-fi nut is akin to someone hitting you in the face repeatedly with a maths equations book.

The only thing worse than all that is when they start being funny about it. “Guns don’t kill people… Class II phasers do!” And that’s why I’ve always loathed Red Dwarf. It’s Star Trek jokes, Star Wars fandom, Bladerunner Har Har writ large, with a cast of nobodies saying “smeghead” and making fart jokes.

You see, this show is made-up of people who aren’t very good. Craig Charles is rubbish and bit-part on Corrie and the voice that nearly ruins Takeshi’s Castle; Robert Llewellyn is the prat who heads up oily turds on Scrapheap Challenge; Danny John-Jules cut his teeth in musicals (the worst thing ever invented by humans) and Chris Barrie gave us one of the worst characters in comedy history in Gordon Brittas. Get this lot and stick them in a cruddy set and you have a recipe for a shit sandwich.

…but yeah, it’s like, totally a homage to Blake’s 7 and early Doctor Who! Wobbly sets and bad effects!

So what? That was never the intention of those old shows. Sure, they look fun in hindsight if you’re into that sort of thing… but you’re essentially laughing because we’ve come a long way since then. So why settle for crap now? I bet sci-fi fans wouldn’t be so forgiving if the new Battlestar Galactica set was made out of egg cartons and carpet.

The new Red Dwarf show has seen a lot of people bemoaning bad-acting and terrible jokes and Rizla-thin story… but I’d proffer that this is not the fault of the show, but rather, square in the viewer’s lap. Red Dwarf has always been nothing more than a cheaply made, silly show. You’ve grown up since it was last on air and all you’ve done is realise what crap you were watching in the first place. Sure, nostalgia will tell you otherwise, but this new show was as good as anything ever produced by the Red Dwarf team… and that’s not a high water-margin.