Channel Five. Five. Gawd bless 'em. While the rest of the broadcasting world concentrates on making new and exciting shows, hard-edged documentaries and finding new stars so they can later claim to be the secret to their success, Five just give us shows about the weather going weird, programmes about rubbish jobs, vehicles with square wheels and truly abysmal films. Weirder still, BBC Three has started copying it. So with that, this week, we get the impressively titled Hero Animals (Five, Wednesday, 11 March, 7.30pm). Better yet, this programme is subtitled - The Dolphins That Saved the Surfer.

The premise of this series is that it will act as our natural conducter to our need to need Lassie and Flipper. We human's a complete saps when animals give up their safety to save our weedy asses. That's because it enforces that feeling humans have that we're the top of the tree. When we're in the brown stuff, our subvervient pals come to our aid because, invariably, we'll make TV stars of them. And we do. But we don't pay them. That's because we're top of the tree. Unless we're on When Animals Chew Toddlers. In that case, we remind ourselves about how uncivilised nature is. It's all about feeling great about ourselves.

Of course, we humans particularly like dolphins. Dolphins do nothing but jump around in the air for our amusement and throw out those funny cackles. They're always smiling, aren't they? They're kinda stupid aren't they? I mean, we say dolphins are really smart... but only smart for animals. Really, they're just grinning, cackling simpletons who sometimes get caught in tuna nets. Never heard of a human getting caught in a tuna net did you?

It's this supreme intelligence we carry that sees dolphins enviously looking on at our play-time... like surfing. When they saw surfer Todd Endris catching some waves, they wondered about all the other brilliant things he did. They liked Todd Endris so much that when a really jealous great white shark tried to eat him, the pod arrived to protect him from that blood-hungry bully.

That's because us humans are brilliant. They're so brilliant that they convince themselves that dolphins think we're so great that they save us from stuff. Thankfully, they haven't worked out that we just sit around inanely grinning and cackling and watching channel Five. Once they work that out, we've had it. We'll get renamed 'lunch'... 'stupid lunch'.