While I will happily sit down in front of I’d Do Anything, Big Brother and – last year at least thanks to a bit of talent – The X Factor, Dancing On Ice has always utterly failed to hold my attention. But, committed TV reviewer that I am, I decided to give it another go, and over the cut you can follow my thoughts via the notes I took as a draft text message while I watched. Oh it’s all high tech around here…

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Jane looking slightly uncomfortable: This was during the opening performance, and while Ms Torvill certainly looks great (there’s a fitness DVD involved, I believe) I felt here – as I often do when she skates on this show – that she didn’t look entirely comfortable. Maybe this time it was to do with Christopher Dean not being able to take much of a part due to his shoulder injury.

‘Perhaps’ to ‘Standing In The Way Of Control’: Ha, yes, this was the bizarre combination of songs chosen for the opening performance. I tried to work out whether there’s any relationship between them… there isn’t.

Insistence on using wires: What is with this Dancing On Ice obsession with the Peter Pan moment? It just looks odd and cheesy… I can’t say I’ve ever watched a performance by a top ice dancer and thought it could be improved with a bit of awkward flight.

Holly positively demur: Ah Holly. She’s caused many a furore in the past thanks to her penchant for plunging necklines, and while there was still a little on show last night, a bit of chiffon had clearly been tacked on to an originally strapless dress to tone it down. And lovely she looked too.

Todd Carty nearly falls while being introduced: Silly Tucker.

Shows how bad previous line-ups have been that you think ‘that’s ok actually’, but if this was Strictly…: Not my most succinct note, admittedly, but it makes a valid point I think. This year’s contestants really are the most high profile they’ve ever had – but that’s not exactly saying much, is it? And as I hinted in the note, Strictly would be highly ashamed.

Jeremy Edwards ‘ding dong’: Not my reaction to him, I hasten to explain, but his reaction to his skating partner. He apparently thinks we are living in the 1950s. He did a decent performance though, and probably undermarked due to going first.

Donal Macintyre looking surprisingly good: I suppose I expected an undercover journalist to look slightly uncomfortable in a sparkly shirt, but in fact he looked totally at home, and while his skating wasn’t the best, he really tried to perform it as Voice Of Reason Jason Gardiner pointed out.

Todd Everything I Do: That’s what Todd Carty skated to, and it just underlined the fact that all the songs used in this programme must be bad wedding reception staples. As suggested by his earlier appearance, he wasn’t great.

Floating stag and something about lemons: These are the steps I gleaned from those little bits of commentary after each dance. It might help if at some point it was actually explained what these steps are rather than just utterly confusing the viewer. Or, at least, me.

Ruthie Henshall worst reality TV judge ever: Something about Ruthie really irritates me, and I know I’m not alone… I can’t really say it’s her lack of experience in ice dancing because Jason comes from the non-ice-based world of dance too. But her marking is just so incredibly erratic.

Ellery rugby player born to run: My despicable use of lower case for a proper noun meant this note took me a while to decipher, but in fact Born To Run was the song he danced to. And very good he was too – totally assured, and confident enough to skate on his own for a section.

Ray Quinn comfortable on ice: Which is something of an understatement. The kid can skate, and he was happy to admit that having experience of roller staking and dance has helped him (unlike previous contestants who have maintained that having a dance or ice hockey background is no help, or perhaps even a hindrance. Pur-lease.) He was brilliant, basically, to the point that there hardly seems much point in carrying on…

Graeme le Saux fell on his face: Not on the live show, but in training, and it clearly affected his confidence in the run up to the competition. His performance was pleasant enough, but not great.

Michael Underwood’s back: Hoorah! He broke his ankle last year and so has been given a second chance. Despite some understandable ‘injury anxiety’ he eventually learned that you have to fall to learn, and his perseverance was rewarded with a confident performance, despite one wobble.

I didn’t make any notes from the skate-off, you’ll be sad to know. Graeme le Saux and Donal Macintyre found themselves in the bottom two, though (Carty is clearly going to be the Sergeant of the series) and it was Macintyre who completely upped his game. Sad to see everyone’s favourite Guardian-reading footballer go, but the right decision was made.