Loads of actors say “I really am nothing like the characters I play.” Whatever. We all know that you’re all exactly like your characters… especially those of you who get typecast. Joan Collins is clearly a cold-hearted swine and Neil Morrissey is obviously the loud-mouth simpletons he tends to play. Clearly, using these two lame and not-really-very-true examples (I’m sure Collins and Morrissey are fine, upstanding people) mean that the rule is surely right. If you apply this rule to Dancing On Ice starlet, Gemma Bissix, she must be an evil witch who has come back to our screens to summon up dark forces and dart the same evil eyes she darted in Hollyoaks and EastEnders. Don’t believe me? She’s already at it!

Related: Hollyoaks review

Recently, Bissix told the Daily Star on Roxanne: “I will make make sure I skate before Rox and scatter sequins all over the ice so she falls over.” MEE-OOOW! Listen to her, listen to her! I can’t believe the Bissix is naturally that nasty, but everytime I think of her I think of her evil characters onscreen. Think of the evil Clare she played in Hollyoaks. She was giving people heart attacks on purpose, and trying to murder her husband. She gave Chinese burns to children… probably… she definitely made some people cry.

Then, think of her portrayal as Clare in Eastenders (is she contractually obliged to play only characters called Clare?). She was manipulative and sneering. I mean, she tried to seduce Ian Beale. How much of a low-life do you want?! So evil is Gemma Bissix’s characters that I once wrote of her: ” [She's back] just in time to snarl her entire face from her skull. I imagine if she did manage to snarl her face right off, then it would drop to the floor and scuttle around like some disgusting fleshy alien arachnid, hissing at anyone nearby.”

Now, some ITV madman has decided that it would be a good idea to send her out on screen with blades attached to her feet. Will Dancing On Ice end up like Dead Set, but with ice skates? Worse thing is, when the police catch up with her, she’ll probably strip down to a bikini and squeezed those huge boobs of hers and playfully bite her lip and get away with it…

…or is this all just in my head? Of course is. Gemma Bissix is probably a lovely Lovely, and she just enjoys playing cows because they’re so much fun to play. And let’s face it, whenever soaps and TV talent contests are concerned, it’s pantomime season all over again.