Andrew Lloyd Webber (he is, isn't he? He isn't? Fair enough. My bad) has accused Simon Cowell of "torturing" contestants on The X Factor. Now, I've been known for slagging X Factor and the like before, saying how cruel it is. If only I'd know there was actually torturing on the show! I guess that's the price you pay for rarely watching it. Baron Von Webber added that he thinks that it's tight that Cowell is always "tricking" contestants on the ITV1 show, rather than developing them as artists. "He doesn't work with the artists like I do. I'm here to get the best out of everybody," he told The Sun.

Related: Eurovision Review | Andrew Lloyd Webber slags The X Factor

Webber continued: "All my acts call me Andrew, and they all call my mobile when they need help. There will be no tricks on this show. Over my dead body." Jeepers. Is he implying that Pop Idol/X Factor contestants have to call Simon 'Mr Cowell' or 'Sir' or something like that? I guess torture does weird things to you.

Webber, speaking about his new talent show Your Country Needs You (you know the one... it's the reality talent show that is to find someone to win the Eurovision Song Contest for us - Clue, Get a Russian immigrant to do it. We can't fail) added: "The mantra of the show is that we nurture, we don't torture."

"We have a live band and we have performers who will deliver live to the best of their ability. We don't have off-stage backing singers who come in and maybe trace harmonies."

Mee-ooow!

This Saturday's (BBC One) show will see the public given the chance to vote for their favourite of the six acts. They include Essex singer Charlotte; Londoner Damien; five-piece Emperors of Soul; twin sisters Francine and Nicole, from Sheffield; soul-singer Jade; and panto actor Welshman Mark.