What did I say about Bruce Forsyth throwing all his old catchphrases into Strictly? In his intro to last night’s show, he referred to Barack Obama, with the words, “Didn’t he do well?” What was that one even from? Was it the Generation Game? I used to love that… when Larry Grayson presented it (yes, I am that old).

It was different dances for each couple again this week, with Tom Chambers opening the show with a quickstep to A Town Called Malice played on a Wurlitzer organ (or at least, that’s how it sounded). It was really entertaining, but I was thinking, “Oh, he’s good. But he’s so smug. But he’s doing it very well. But he loves himself.” His solo dance at the end did make me laugh though, so the positive side won. I think. The judges loved it.

“If the judges like it,” said Jodie Kidd of her samba, “I shall eat my shoe.” Well her sandals were safe, but I enjoyed it. It was rather slow and she didn’t look confident and, at times, she looked like a man in drag, but the choreography was entertaining and it made me want to dance (I may even have done a little imaginary maraca shaking in my seat). Craig said, “You absolutely crucified that samba.” Len said the samba doesn’t suit her because it’s a small person’s dance. Hello! I’m 4’11. Could I samba? “It’s all bum, boobs and bongos,” Len added. Damn right, I could… if I wasn’t eight months pregnant.

Heather Small continued her blaze of mediocrity with a tango. I don’t know. It looked okay, but it didn’t do anything for me. Craig said it needed more attack and I do think that’s Heather’s problem, she doesn’t look like she cares that much. In fact, when she was getting the judges’ comments, she looked like she was thinking, “Yeah, yeah, whatever…”. She’ll be in the bottom two again this week. I know there are worse dancers (well, there’s one), but I just can’t imagine anyone being inspired to phone up and vote for that performance.

Austin Healy said that last Saturday was the first anniversary of his mum’s death. Good for him for not mentioning it last week (like a lot of people would have done for the sympathy vote), but, hey, why mention it at all? “The rumba’s a silly dance,” he said in training and it really is. There were a few stumbles and, at times, his seduction face looked more bewildered, but it made my palms sweat, so the chemistry was definitely there. However, the judges didn’t like it at all and Austin got his lowest score of the competition so far – 29. I wasn’t going to mention his comments to Tess backstage, because I’d kind of like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but didn’t it sound like he was kind of saying it was good that he’d got a low score because it gave the others a chance to shine? You know, because up until now it’s looked like he was a clear winner? I don’t know. Seemed a bit arrogant to me.

Can I just mention the show’s singers? Particularly the woman. A friend of mine has actually had to stop watching the show because the female singer keeps mullering the songs. Why do they keep giving her songs out of her range? Austin and Erin danced to Diana Ross’s “When you tell me that you love me” and it made me wince. Although, to be fair, it makes me wince when Miss Ross sings it too. It’s the way she sings “when you tell me that you laaarrrrve me.”

In the intro to Cherie Lunghi’s waltz, Bruce did his “doddery I am not thing” again. Funny, isn’t it, how he always fumbles the gag just before he does that line? Anyway, Cherie’s waltz was lovely and elegant and, of course, she and James have great chemistry, but I think I might be over Cherie. She seems a little on the arrogant side too. We’ll see. The judges liked it though. Craig called it “enchanting” and Len intimated that if she hadn’t done toes instead of heels it would have been a 10.

I was a bit worried about Christine Bleakley’s jive, but I really liked it. It suited her personality and the judges loved it (except they said she needs to sort her arms out) and she got her highest score of the competition so far.

I want Rachel Stevens to do well because she and Vincent are so cute together. Their american smooth was more like a quickstep (which is fine, you can do whatever you want in an american smooth), and I loved it. (Except Vincent almost dropped her at the end.) The judges loved it too. And how gorgeous did Rachel look?

Much as I love John Sergeant, he has got to go this week. His cha cha was absolutely hopeless. But hilarious. The judges have clearly had enough now. Craig gave it 1. Arlene, 3 “for being here”, and Len and Bruno 4 each. Oh dear.

My favourite couple – Lisa Snowdon and Brendan Cole, did my least favourite dance – the viennese waltz. I keep saying this, but I could have watched them all night. I love her. Len said she’s the most improved dancer of the series (which suggests she wasn’t very good at the beginning, but I thought she was). Even Craig said, “Brendan, I could kiss you.” I’d pay to see that. I’m not right, I know.

Once the dances were done, Tom, Cherie and Lisa were all joint top with John inevitably at the bottom.

Hmmm. A prediction. Well, I’m fairly confident Heather will be in the bottom two. But who will be with her? I’d like to say it’ll be John, but I’m a bit worried it won’t be. I’m worried it will be Jodie. And then, as my mother-in-law would say, we’ll be in Dickie’s Meadow…

Strictly Come Dancing Results Show, BBC One, Sunday 9 November, 8.15pm

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