Charlie. Brooker. Dance. Routine. Four words that I never thought I would type together. However, anyone who tuned in for the return of Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe (BBC Four, Tuesday, 18 November, 10.30pm) last night would have got exactly that. Of course, this being Brooker, it was never going to be an ironic fanfared return, but rather, clever and crass all at the same time, with the arresting image of Brooker awkwardly grooving and wiping his strap-on arse... and that wasn't the half of it.

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It's weird how Charlie Brooker has become something of a star. Once upon a time, most people were wondering what the brainy and funny little shit looked like. When he was first spotted by a mate, he quipped "He doesn't look like the guy I'd imagined in my head... he looks more like the sort of person who might enjoy beating black people up". Of course, now we've all seen him on his show, seen his guest spots on panel shows, we know that he's an irritable, but ultimately lovely chap.

It goes without saying that last night's show only proved that point further. Brooker was his usual charming self, as well as getting angry all-ends-up about The Andrew Sachs Affair and more. For anyone who has read Brooker's columns and Screen Burn for any amount of time, you'll know just how much he likes to play it puerile now and again. Sure, he's a super-smart cookie, but sometimes, nothing pleases him more than a crude cock gag (when I say that, I obviously mean a joke about an appendage rather than something relating to a reflex throat action).

In amongst the rapier wit, the sublime put-downs (all of which made me jealous and once again consider jacking my job in as a writer), Brooker's dance routine completely stole the show as he 'sang' and 'danced' around about wanting to wipe his cigar-clipper. Fact is, as clever-clever as we all think we are when we're watching Screenwipe, sneerily shouting "YEAH! YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I THINK CHARLIE, YEAH!" he knows that we're all as bad as each other.

We all think we're so bloody cultured for liking Charlie Brooker. He gets us, we get him. We'd be such great friends! We could go 'round his house and swear at the telly all day long and... oh... it would so great! Wouldn't it Charlie? Charlie? Where have you gone Charlie? Charlie is enjoying some TV show or playing computing games in another room wishing you'd shut up.

Y'see, Charlie Brooker is stupidly brilliant. He's always right (irritatingly) and he's always funny. He's somehow managed to carve out his own niche and is friends with Chris Morris and, basically, there's nothing to dislike about him. However, he'll never be your friend because, like all critics, he's worried that he'll pick holes in your personality and made you cry by complete accident. Either that or he's worried that he won't live up to your expectations. So it's better off if he just hides away and ignores all those emails and Facebook messages you've sent. He's out of our reach, that's what makes him so bloody alluring. It's good to have you back, even if we do have to share you.

(Oh, and if you're wondering, the theme music is Grandaddy's 'AM 180')