I’m going to keep this simple. If you only watch one programme this week, then it MUST be The Restaurant (BBC Two, Wednesday, 29 October, 8pm). Seriously. It’s the final and things need resolving… for me… for the participants (who only find out moments before final transmission). It’s all getting completely unbearable. Both my hands have completely disappeared from over-chewing my fingernails, leaving me with two raw, bloody stumps. Obviously, typing all this is agonising. So what’s in store?

Obviously, THE thing that’s truly in store is that… one moment while I clear my throat…

WE GET TO FIND OUT WHO WINS THE RESTAURANT! WE GET TO FIND OUT WHO LE GOD, RAYMOND BLANC, GOES INTO BUSINESS WITH!

Ahem

Anyway, before all that, we have the small matter of ‘First Class Service’. The remaining couples compete for Raymond’s hand (figuratively of course) by leaving their establishments behind. The ultimate challenge see our finalists catering for a group of discerning guests on one of the world’s most romantic railway journeys. Let’s just hope they don’t try murdering each other when they go through a tunnel…